American Idol : Boys Week 1

First off, Seacrest was rocking the vest. You can always count on Ryan Seacrest to masculine-ize a feminine trend...and that's why we're in love.

Here are my real-time thoughts on each contestant:

Rudy: He was one of those singers who like cut off the word before it was finished. I hate that. He also had this weird look in his eyes. 6/10


Brandon: I had high hopes for Brandon because I really like his voice. I think he'll go through because he got a lot of air time before this week, but I think he has to step up to the plate. He was only ok...though he is mighty cute. 7/10

(Sidenote: the first commercial of the broadcast is for the new Will Ferrell movie "Blades of Glory." I hope the ad guys at the movie know that it was worth every penny they paid for that number one slot b/c I am so there on opening day.)

Sundance: It's gotta be tough with the last name "Head." I hate it. Maybe that's why he calls himself Sundance. I don't know. It doesn't matter. He seems like a nice guy and kind of different. But I didn't love it. Although I liked it more than the judges did. I give him a 8/10.

Paul: I don't remember him at all. I'm not loving the barefoot thing, though Ryan does come along and make it funny. I don't know, kind of forgettable but not horrible. I give him 8/10.

Chris: The JT lookalike, so we're in love already. Move over Ryan, you might have some competition. Anyways, I think I would have liked his a lot more if he didn't bop around quite so much but I give him props for trying to make it look and sound different. 8.5/10.

Nick: I love Nick's back story so I'm already partial to him. He seems so nice and cute. I used to have clients in Taunton, Mass. where he is from. Too bad because maybe we could arrange a meeting one day. But no worries...I thought he did good even if the judges didn't. I think he'll go through adn get better. 8/10.

Blake: I thought he looked like a mad scientist with that white coat in the auditions but I'll put that aside tonight. And the hair must go. But other than that, he used the word exclamation point in his sentence, as I often do, so we're friends and I think he was one of the better people. 8.5/10

Sanjaya: I'll give him this. He's pretty. But jesus christ how boring. I even called that Simon would say that the chorus of the song about the bore, would be used against him. And I was right. I think I fell asleep during this. 6/10.

Chris: I am totally rooting for him because I think he's hilarious. And I loved the song and I thought he did a good job, even if the judges didn't. The only thing I don't love is that he talked back to Simon. You just don't do that during week one...take your criticism and learn from it considering Simon is worth, oh...about a gatrillion dollars. He gets a grudging 9/10.

Jared: First off, totally hot. Love the outfit. I thought he seemed really good, I wish he sang something more uptempo like Cupid, like he did during Hollywood week. But I think he'll get through and come back better. 8/10.

AJ: I thought he was kind of karaoke, and I hope he stops lifting the microphone above his head in week two. But I liked his vibe and give him an 8/10.

Ryan also coins the term compli-diss and I love it. I'm totally incorporating this into my daily vernacular from now on.

Phil: Did anyone else catch Paula pointing Phil toward the right door on his way out of the first audition? I knew it! I knew they were helping some people find the right door. BASTARDS! But I love it. Anyways, face totally toward the camera, Phil reminds me of a lightbulb. With large ears. However, he did sing pretty well, except for the beginning. So...I like him. 8/10.

So, my predictions for who is gone? Rudy and Sanjaya would be my guess. Or my hope at least...overall, I'm a bit disappointed, but I'll chalk it up to first-night nerves...but I am hoping the girls step up to the plate a bit more.

Reminder, Set your DVRs and TiVos...

For my possible network television debut. The airing of tomorrow's Rachael Ray show, I'm in the front row. Probably looking like an idiot...but on TV nonetheless, and mere steps from Uncle Jesse. Holla!

Things I Love Today

This week, I've discovered a few new things I love. It's like I'm Oprah, only minus a billion dollars, my own talk show (working on that though), and a diva-licious, holier-than-thou attitude.

Lily Allen - Her new album kicks a$$! The songs are funny, fresh and catchy. The album is called Alright Still..it's been out in some time for London but is just arriving in the US. Check it.

Joe Rogan - A few months ago, I checked out Mind of Mencia for the first time. I thought it was alright. I had no idea that in the comedy world Mencia is known among comics at Menstealia, and he's notorious for jacking other people's jokes and making them his own. Apparently it's so bad that if someone is on stage and notices Mencia come in, they actually stop their act! And the guy has his own show on Comedy Central, which I checked out, and it sucks!

Anyways, Joe Rogan has made it his personal mission the last few years apparently to start calling him out and he's finally made some headway! Mencia tried to confront Rogan on stage at the Comedy Store in LA and wound up getting schooled.

If you go to Joe Rogan's MySpace page, iFilm or Perez Hilton, they all have the video. And it's great. Team Rogan! For you, fear is not a factor.

And on a sadder side note, all the talk of joke stealing finally made me wonder about all the rumors about Dane Cook jacking material. So I went ahead and found the tape of Louis CK bits followed by Dane Cook bits...and they are almost identical. I don't know...I've been on the Dane Train for so long, I hate to hop off, but stealing intellectual property is not cool. Further investigation is called for, but this doesn't look good.

Nelly Furtado - Still.

Scrubs - I fell off watching this show for a bit but have been catching a ton of re-runs lately. So hilarious.

The Dixie Chicks - Their Grammy wins got me listening to their album again and it's so good.

Ok, will add more later, gotta get to work right nizzow.

Hooray!

This is worth a second blog today, if for no other reason than the fact that my dream of seeing Mark Wahlberg shirtless, post-Oscar nomination, IS going to come true. (Thank you Hollywood movie gods.) And also because I happen to really love boxing and think this will be a great movie.

Damon, Wahlberg tapped for boxing movie:
Paramount is set to put Matt Damon and Mark Wahlberg in the lead roles for The Fighter, a drama about boxer ''Irish'' Micky Ward's rise to the lightweight title with the help of half-brother Dicky, a boxer-turned-trainer who rebounded after struggles with drugs and crime. The actors will commit after evaluating a rewrite by House executive producer Paul Attanasio. Shooting will begin in early summer in Massachusetts. Like the real-life Ward brothers, Damon and Wahlberg are both from Massachusetts.

Uncle Jesse SMILED AT ME

Ohhhh yes. Yesterday I got to attend a taping of the Rachael Ray Show and the special guest was none other than John Stamos....yes, yes, the John Stamos who was not only Blackie on General Hospital (before my time but known to me nonetheless) but UNCLE JESSE FROM FULL HOUSE.

My client was giving something away, so I got to sit in the front row (and therefore will be all over your TV on Wed. Feb. 21, set your TiVos and DVRs now). During a commercial break, I was staring at his handsomeness (and he's just totally cute and down to earth) and he turned, looked me, we made eye contact and HE SMILED AT ME. UNCLE F*ING JESSE SMILED AT ME! Die and go to heaven! Die and take all childhood dreams with me!

I smiled back. And immediately started writing this blog in my head.

Vindication!

My favorite group ever, the Dixie Chicks, were thoroughly vindicated tonight with FIVE Grammy awards. Eat that haters!

If an awesome night is defined as free wine, beer and champagne, delicious free food, and a burlesque dancer in a bathtub than last night was awesome

No this is not a Fall Out Boy song title, it is the summary of my night last night. One of the excellent perks of having all your friends be in PR is the endless stream of event invites we all circulate amongst each other - some of which are truly amazing, like last night’s event at Counter Culture to celebrate the intro of the new chocolate mints from Altoids.

The main attraction of the evening? Dita Von Teese performing her burlesque act!!! You may know Dita several different ways – currently divorcing Marilyn Manson, face of MAC Cosmetics or new muse of Perez Hilton.

All of us were really excited to see Dita perform – pop culture whores that we all are. The whole crew was there, from P. and A. to Adj, Megs, MK and the new additions of GC and the Boz (separate entities though that might make a kick-ass band name). Seeing Dita’s act cut both ways. Though we all had a feeling something was off – be it the fact that the venue was actually quite small, she could see her complete audience or that she may have been tired – she didn’t really live up to complete expectations, it was no matter. To see it in person was totally cool. Basically, she starts off in a formal ball gown, strips down to pasties and a thong and then poured champagne all over herself and rinsed it off in a bubble bath tub. She looks like she stepped right out of 1940. She has the tiniest waist ever and her body is absolutely sick.

GC and I staked out our upfront seats when A. told us we should jump on that. So we were right in front for the act in all its glory. Then after, everyone just mingled and chatted until it was time to call it a night.

Tonight, thanks again, to kick-ass new job, I get to go to an after-party for Fashion Week at tenjune – scheduled guests to attend include Carmen Electra, Jamie Lynn Siegler and Danny Masterson – followed by game night up at Lola’s place ... Friday night could get kind of crazy...

Justin Came and I Screamed.

Mmmm I love me some Justin Timberlake. Last night was his concert at Madison Square Garden and I have to say, the boy can put on a show. It was definitely one of the better concerts I have ever been to…and not just because him and Andy Samberg came out in full costume (including strategically placed presents) to recreate “D*** in a Box.” And yes, you read that correctly. We had read that it was a possibility in a tip from Page Six…but I dared not dream the dream. Nor did A. But sometimes, dreams do come true and I actually missed the beginning of the song because I was screaming so damn loud from excitement.

When Justin first came out on stage he was wearing a three-piece white suit and he came up from the middle of the stage. I’m a bit ashamed but I believe I did yell “I love you and I will have all of your children!” while trying to keep my tears of excitement in check. And I did text that to my mom as well. Insert sad face here. But not that sad…because I totally would.

The concert was divided into two halves by an intermission. In the middle of the first half, Timbaland came out and joined JT for a song. I nearly died. I love me some Timbaland. Then at intermission, Tim DJ’d for like 25 minutes!!!! He threw in Missy and Nelly Furtado (natch) but totally mixed it up as well. The whole Garden was on its feet and dancing, it was so awesome. What was not awesome was the line for the girl’s bathroom at intermission, so I ran into the boys bathroom because it was totally empty, only to be greeted by a security guard on the way out who did not appear happy that I had done that. I had a brief moment of panic, picturing myself getting thrown out of MSG because I couldn’t be bothered to find another bathroom…but, I put on my best innocent face, told the guard I was sooo sorry, that it wouldn’t happen again, and gave him a little shoulder squeeze/hug. He seemed placated. I ran back to my seat before he could change his mind.

He played all my faves including Senorita, Like I Love You, Gone (from the N’Sync days…mmmm N’Sync), SexyBack, Damn Girl and What Goes Around…among others from both the new and old albums.

It was also rumored that Britney might be in the audience, and though I didn’t care to search for her, I hope she was there, took a good look around, realized that her career is over, and went home and tried to kill herself. I’m just kidding, that’s a horrible thing to say. I hope she just went home and cried herself to sleep after snorting some coke (it’s true ya’ll) and making sure the nannies are raising the kids just fine.

All in all, probably the best $68 ever spent.

Valentine's Day

As we approach Valentine's Day, I thought this story was kind of nice. Nice, in a creepy kind of way.

It's kind of like the marriage of Valentine's Day and Halloween. I think if Valentine's Day and Halloween got married, an appropriate name would be Valenween's Day. And we could have Valenween's Day Eve, where singletons rejoiced. Something for everyone.

But I digress.

http://news.aol.com/topnews/articles/_a/5000-year-old-skeletons-locked-in/20070206155209990001?ncid=NWS00010000000001

I Literally Cannot Breathe...

...I am so excited for the Justin Timberlake concert tonight. I feel like I am 14 years old and I don't even care.

Why you ask? Well, besides the extremely obvious points to be excited over JT, PageSix.com is reporting that Andy Samberg - yes THE ANDY SAMBERG OF Apt. 5C's dreams - will be performing "D*** in a Box" onstage with Justin.

Ummm...I literally have tears of joy in my eyes. And if I was capable of crying (if you recall, I've been having trouble with this lately), they would come out. But they are there and I am happy.

I could literally throw up, I'm so anxious and excited.

I'm Psychic!

So, my roommate A. and I have become more than slightly obsessed with the notion that she is to meet, marry and create babies with Andy Samberg from Saturday Night Live. A few months ago, while re-watching "Lazy Sunday" as I like to do every now and again, I realized that Andy was her perfect type. So I carried my laptop into her room, made her watch it and watched her fall in love, just as predicted.

A few weeks of strategy later, we knew how to go about it. A.'s work is constantly having supercool events, and we know Andy's address is 30 Rock, so I suggested she just begin inviting him to all of her stuff! For an event this Thursday her and her co-workers put together a comprehensive package to send to him and my fingers are crossed.

In the meantime though, on Saturday, I realized we could expedite the process should we just be able to find the SNL afterparty. I'd get drunk and bulldoze my way through any bimbos in Andy's path, thereby throwing the block and clearing the way for A. to work her magical Cuban charms.

Saturday night was like the coldest night in the history of the world. Part A. of the plan, which was get sliiiightly intoxicated (just enough to be loose and funny and say whatever needed to be said) went easily enough. Part B. of the plan: find the party, did not. We exhausted every single contact we had (and not to sound arrogant, but we have a lot, and being in PR, can figure out who needs to be called, how to reach them, etc.) but the odds were against us. Further fueling the flame was the fact that I was reading on Perez, prior to leaving the house, that Andy was spotted out on Friday night at 205 (where A. had been just days earlier) with none other than our arch-enemy Kirstin Dunst! That snaggle-toothed WHORE!

So, we decided to strike out to Cellar Bar because it would be going on for Fashion Week and take our chances.

However, we could not get a cab to save our life, it was starting to creep into negative temperatures and I was losing my patience. I said to A., listen, I don't think Cellar Bar is going to happen, let's try to find a place around here. I suggested a number of bars - Sapa, Tribe, B-Bar, Plan B - we couldn't agree. We wound up at a winebar called Von and I was so exhausted that while Annette talked on the phone, I just laid my head down on the table and went to sleep until she was done. I didn't even care. The bar was empty and no one was even looking at us. We got home around 2:30, tired, defeated and Samberg-less.

Well fast forward to today, I'm reading People.com and guess where the SNL after party was??? SAPA!!!!!

I couldn't email it to Annette fast enough. I was totally on a cosmic connection with Samberg and she ignored it! I finally got the words I've longed to hear - Lia, we will never doubt your suggestion of venue again. But it's too late. The odds of being able to repeat such a psychic feat are slim to none...not to say I won't try, but I'm just saying I had this one in the bag.

A reiteration...

...that Jack Bauer just flat out rules. I finally started watching the backup of "24" episodes I've had, and pretty much confirmed that there are only two real badasses in this world - and Chuck Norris is out. It's Urban Meyer and Jack Bauer.

In episode one, after being imprisoned and tortured in Chinese jail for TWO YEARS, Jack kills a man, after being asked by the US government to agree to be further tortured to death to save America (there is no greater patriot than Jack Bauer) by biting him in the jugular and making him fall in such a way that he can conveniently grab the keys to take off his handcuffs and set himself free. This was after a terrorist jabbed a knife into the nerves bundled into his shoulder and lower back. Ummm if that doesn't scream "F*ing Awesome and Amazing" I'm not really sure what does.

Just minutes later, Jack is off to save the world again, having been able to find a very tight-fitting gray, long-sleeved shirt that makes you want him to take it off, if he was not covered in scars inflicted by the evil Chinese government.

Amazing!

Crank the Freak Switch to 11

My nerdometer is at an all time high. Earlier this week, while watching the documentary Spellbound about the National Spelling Bee, I realized about halfway through that I was attempting to spell words in my head at the same time as the subjects in the movie. The person I was watching this with caught me doing it, and before they could call me out, I admitted I was the biggest geek ever. In my defense, I was burned in my 6th grade spelling bee, eliminated on the word "hacienda." I was furious a.) because I went against my better judgment and spelled it with a "j" instead of an "h" and b.) because I thought it totally unfair that a non-bilingual sixth grader was expected to spell a word in Spanish. Clearly, 14 years later, I'm not over it.

Anyways, I'm not going to pretend that I'm not totally f*ing psyched that I pre-ordered my copy of the seventh, and final, Harry Potter today. I won't repeat the mistake of last HP, which was picking the wrong bookstore to go and pick it up from. I went to the Kip's Bay Borders hoping I would see the HP freaks out in full force, only to find that they apparently congregated at the Union Square Barnes and Noble's. So this time around, I preordered from Club BN, as I like to call it, and come July 21 at midnight that's where I'll be. I'll be dressed normally a.) because I'm not THAT big of a nerd but b.)because my sense of cruelty is such that I will make fun of those in HP costumes (the adults, not the kids, the kids are cool) totally ignoring the fact that I too am giving up a Saturday night to be one of the FIRST to get my hands on a book that I will stay up all night and into Sunday to finish.

In the Navy...

One of the toughest parts about being an older sibling is fighting the urge to act like your sibling's parent. My little brother has been in somewhat of a funk for the last two years, trying to figure out what he wants to do with his life. It's been really hard for me not to pressure him during this time, to just be supportive and listen and try to understand. I look at where I was at 22 and where he is, and we're just worlds apart, but we're also such different people. If we didn't know better, we both find it surprising, besides our shared love of Comedy Central, YouTube and just general sense of humor, that we're related at all. Even though we get along great, apart from the knock-down, drag-out, sometimes chase me with a knife, sometimes slap him right across the face, fights we had from roughly 1990-1997.

So that's why I'm just so incredibly proud of him - after nearly 8 months of training, hoping and praying, he finally got into the United States Navy!!!! I'm so excited that not only has he found something he will love, but something he wants, something he worked for and something he acheived. God knows that he's been searching for that, and as a sister, I've been praying that he succeeded! If you have his email address, send him a note, I know he doesn't always realize how many people out there really care about him and love him and want him to succeed. He's got such a me against the world mentality...little Louie's in the navy! I can hardly take it!!!!!!!!

Someone else's resolution

The year I let go of the dream
that things would be better,
if only I were a little different.

I saw this in someone else's resolution pile and decided to add it to my list and adopt it as my own. I guess it's just nice to know that sometimes you are not the only crazy one.

I thought a lot this weekend about the differences between men and women. How women overanalyze and men oversimplify. How women obsess and men can zone out. I didn't think about these things because I had to. I'm not going through a crisis. I'm not in the process of having my heart broken. I just decided to look down the line and see things that weren't there for no reason whatsoever. And I had to stop and ask myself why I would do such a thing. Why would I ruin a perfectly good day with something I imagined? Something that hasn't even happened yet?

And then I talked to my roommate and she was doing the same thing, for a slightly different reason, and we both had to stop and ask ourselves why would we do that? Are we genetically programmed? Are we just two crazy peas in a pod?

And then I read this and I kind of realized that this is what I do to myself. In a wierd way, even though I believe otherwise, I always find myself thinking that certain things are not going to happen to me. Not because I don't "deserve" them but because I just think "why me?" So when something potentially good comes along, I find I get swept along with it for a minute or two, only then to begin to sabotage it in my mind. Whereas, if the situation involved someone else besides me, that everything would continue along according to plan.

I have no idea if that makes sense whatsoever but suffice to say that after what was really an awesome weekend, I woke up this morning feeling like someone had died. I allowed myself last night to imagine a future where something bad had happened, and in doing so, actually believed that it would. And that it already did. That is crazy. One of my New Year's resolutions now has to be to stop doing this. To stop ruining today because of what I think might happen tomorrow. I hope I'm not the only person that does this, but since no one else is going to stop doing this for me, I have to stop doing it to myself. I've spent the better part of this morning trying not to throw up from the anxiety of an event that has not shown it's going to occur in any way. That's insane.

The good news is, I'm not the only one guilty of this sort of behavior...clearly the girl who wrote the above resolution is and my roommate too. But that doesn't make it right. And it's certainly not healthy. Getting this out on paper (or screen, as it were) has made the anxiety go away somewhat. I'm finishing my coffee and getting back to work now.

Best American Idol Article

I think this guy articulated a bit better on my thoughts about American Idol. I guess that's why he writes for Entertainment Weekly and I write on my own blog. Whatevs. If I was paid to write for Entertainment Weekly and didn't have to cram my blog writing into 10 minutes at lunchtime, then I could write this too. So back off.

The Glutton
Blaming the ''Idol'' judges for this season's perceived mean-spiritedness just isn't fair.

Another season of American Idol auditions means another season filled with incompetent singers cluelessly showcasing their wares for an entire country. But this year, something seems different. According to everything I've read and everyone I talk to, the judges of American Idol have suddenly gotten a lot meaner, lighting into contestants like never before. Frankly, this is hogwash. And frankly, I believe that is the first time I have ever used the word ''hogwash.'' Go back and watch season one — Simon was just as rude and crude as he is now. I don't see any difference there at all. That's not to imply that this season of Idol has not been meaner than past ones; it's just that the judges are not the ones to blame. The producers are.

Remember, it's not Simon, Randy, and Paula weeding out who makes it onto TV from the tens of thousands of applicants. The producers take care of that. They are the ones that pick out the people who make it before the holy trinity. Their job basically seems to consist of sorting stadiums full of auditioners into three groups, which are:

Group 1: The Really, Really Good
These people have genuine talent and are sent in to Simon, Randy, and Paula to see if they are worthy of being addressed as ''dawg'' and sent to Hollywood.

Group 2: The Really, Really Bad
These people have no talent whatsoever, yet are also sent in to Simon, Randy, and Paula as a form of comic relief. Their badness dominates the first few weeks of the show and enables us, the viewers, to feel better about ourselves through the mocking of others.

Group 3: Everyone else
Most people fall into this category — the mild, the mediocre, the middle-of-the-road. These people are dismissed on the spot since they are neither good enough to stand a chance at winning, nor bad enough to provide any good laughs.

Where this season's Idol differs from previous ones is that the people in Group 2 have gone from ''really, really bad'' to really, really sad. Some of the contestants being brought in front of the judges (and, in turn, a national audience) are clearly in need of help — and I'm not talking about vocal training. Nicholas Zitzman went beyond merely socially awkward, and there was something vaguely non-human about Darwin ''Mischa'' Reedy and her practically identical mother. But the show sunk to a new low with another debatably dynamic duo: Jonathan Jayne and Kenneth Briggs.

Kenneth was the guy Simon compared to a monkey, calling the bug-eyed contestant a ''bush baby.'' Some saw that as unnecessarily harsh, but Simon has never pulled any punches in his commentary on contestants' looks. This is nothing new, and he has actually uttered comments much worse than that. What made this situation different was the fact that Kenneth was even in the room to begin with, seeing as how he didn't — and I'm trying to be gentle here — appear to possess the highest IQ.

Which brings us to Jonathan Jayne. Jayne is a perfect example as to exactly why the judges are not to blame. For those who don't remember, Jonathan was the large guy who crooned ''God Bless America.'' Turns out he is a former Special Olympics participant. Paula was typically kind after his somewhat excruciating performance, but it should be noted that Simon was as well, even saying ''You're a nice guy. I like you, but this is not the career path for you.'' Randy then thanked him for showing up. So why again are the judges under fire? Heck, even Special Olympics International praised them for being ''gracious and very encouraging.''

Yet the judges are still catching the heat, when it was the field producers who put Jayne in the room to begin with. If it was to see him mocked, then they are evil. If it was to chalk up an easy and compassionate story line, then they are merely shamelessly exploitative. Either way, it's pretty classless. Now, let's move on before I emotionally shut down over the realization that I just wasted almost 700 words defending Paula freakin' Abdul.

Well played Mr. Dalton Ross. I know you have my agreement in this matter and I suspect, somewhere in New York, one Mr. J.K. feels the same.

McHivey Sheds the T'Necks

So good news. I am not doomed to wear turtlenecks forever and am in fact, at this moment, wearing my new shirtdress which is a V-neck!

After much debate, I decided my hive scars (and yes, I'm still slightly wounded if you look close) are not as horrible as they were and can be seen in the light of day. This is because tonight, I am going to see my future BFF Shaq Daddy and his sidekick/my hero D-Wade at MSG and I need to be prepared in the offchance that Life Dream #2 - my picture with Shaq while comparing handsizes - has even the slightest chance of coming true. Or, I'd even take the ability to stand next to Dwayne Wade and take a picture without him noticing that I am feeling him up somewhere in the stomach area. And I figured I should look hot for that just in case.

BaioWatch

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You can call me McHivey

So last Friday, my co-worker and I were in the mood for something substantive for lunch. Fast forward through a debate on the merits of sushi, Sbarro or Hale & Hearty, we finally decided Chipotle would do the trick.

After using their extremely fun online ordering option, I went over to the store to pick it up. Just FYI, avoid Chipotle during lunch hour. It's insane.

Anyways, fast forward again and I've eaten my steak burrito in like, world record time, and I'm sitting at my desk feeling perversely proud that I finished the whole thing yet simultaneously fat and disgusting, when my neck area starts to itch a bit.

I ignore this and continue working. I'm just giving a little scratch here and there, I was wearing a turtleneck and our office can get a bit warm, so I'm not really concerned at this point and I get up to go to the bathroom.

It's worth noting as well that the bathroom in this building has, what I consider, to be the most horrific lighting that I've ever seen in my life. This is great if you have a blemish that is driving you crazy. You can see everything. It's horrible if you thought you were looking somewhat decent that day, only to find that in the right light, you actually look like you may have gotten punched in the face while getting a nose job.

So as I'm washing my hands, I see a little red mark on my neck and I'm like what the hell is that? And I pull back the neck on my sweater and I swear to God, I look like I have been beaten with a live electrical wire. My entire neck and upper chest is COVERED in ugly, raised, red hives. I've never broken out in these kinds of hives before...my closest friends (and now you as well) know that I have extremely sensitive skin and am, in fact, allergic to water. Not the hydrogen and oxygen part per se, but rather the impurities of water that most people dont' know are in there (because they don't have to.) When I get out of the shower, and the ocean, which is worse, I get these super awesome red blotches that fade in about 20 minutes, but really make me look amazingly hot in the meantime. And that was really awesome when you grow up on the beaches of Florida, p.s.

So anyways, these are for real hives. Not blotches. And I run back into the office and show my boss and ask what the hell is happening and she covers her mouth in horror. But there is nothing I can do, I have to go back to work and I do the best I can to make it through the remaining few hours of the day and get home.

On the way hope I stop and get Benadryl and hydrocortisone cream (plus a new nailpolish and mascara, as is my m.o. is to buy beauty products whenever when faced with a crisis)and speedwalk to my apartment.

Up my five flights of stairs, I am literally stripping because the hives are so itchy now that they've been covered under my down jacket and as I'm walking through the door, P. is on the couch and I'm taking off my sweater.

Her immediate expression was one for the ages, but she asks if I've been burned...and I say no! I think F*ing chipotle gave me hives! And she is like oh my god! what the FUCK! and i run to my full length mirror and it was just unbelievable. it looked like i was stung by bees or something.

So I finally apply all my products (the mascara sucked p.s.) and just lay in bed cause clearly I am not going anywhere, which was sad, because it was Friday and I actually wanted to do something. But P. came in and laid down with me and we watched American Idol together. Then A. comes in talking on the phone, goes to the refrigerator, checks out P. and I in bed together hysterical laughing at American Idol, with me laying in sweatpants and bra covered in hives and hydrocortisone, and does the best double take I've ever seen. She almost drops the phone, mouths "have you been burned?" and then breaks into hysterical laughter.

The hydrocortisone only made me itch worse so I signed on WebMD to figure out how to solve this medical dilemma and it says take a hot shower and rinse with mild soap. So I do and I immediately feel better.

And then throughout the weekend the hives got better, and today, I look only like I may have had a skin condition in my youth. Thank god for turtlenecks is all I can say...after work yesterday I went to H&M to buy more sweaters (ok, i go everyday now and buy something regardless of whether there is a need or not) and I applaud the fact that I can now dress up and cover my current skin shortcomings at the same time.

It is perplexing though, because I love Chipotle but my love of it has never caused a medical flare-up. I'm somewhat tempted to buy another steak burrito to see if it happens again, but I will wait til the current wounds heal before deciding whether to do that.

Hillary Clinton

To whoever posted the questions regarding my views on Hillary Clinton, just FYI, I will answer all of that I just am too busy at work to devote the time right now. But I do know how to answer, I just dont' have the time to do it right at the moment.

On a lighter note, I watched Heroes last night and I just have to reiterate how cool this show is. If you are not watching it, you should...and speaking of shows you should be watching "Friday Night Lights" is such an amazing program. I use these shows, along with "24" to make myself feel better that I love shows like The Hills so much.

AND...in a category all by itself, American Idol. I just love it SO MUCH. I hadn't had the time to watch last week's episodes until this past weekend so I couldn't weigh in on the debate surrounding whether Idol was poking too much fun at the rejects, but now that I've had a chance to watch, my answer is a firm NO.

More often than not, the contestants seem to have watched the show and know what they are getting into. For those who audition without seeing the show, you're an idiot and I'm not even going to waste my time. But for those, who claim to have watched and then go on and sing like the Lion from the Wizard of Oz, or scream out their song, or shriek at decibels I didn't even know the human voice was capable of reaching or who are just plain disillusioned...I'm sorry, you DESERVE it!

My question is...if you are actually going to get upset/angry/bitter at what the judges say to you when you suck, you probably should have stayed at home. Every day, I write on this blog every I think are funny or amusing. If someone wrote me right this second and said "you suck, you are unfunniest person in the history of bloggers" there really is nothing I could say because I put that out there for consumption, take it or leave it.

And furthermore, WHERE ARE THESE PEOPLE'S PARENTS AND FRIENDS??? Are there really that many people in the world who have families and friends who would actually let them go on there and sing/act/juggle/dress up the way they do for real? Are there really people out there that have someone saying to them, You have a chance?

I'm astounded but I LOVE IT!!! Thank you parents and friends who actually hate their kids and people they supposedly "care" about, because you are making one girl out on the East Coast the happiest person in the world on Tuesday and Wednesday nights from 8 p.m. - 10 p.m. EST!!!!!!

Another Reason to Hate Ohio State

Forget the fact that they were proven to be the most overrated college football team ever (Welcome to the SEC...) or that Troy Smith was undeserving of his Heisman Tropy...this is the true reason to hate Ohio State.

Keep a close eye on number 55 as he takes cheap shots at my future baby daddy Tim Tebow. There are just two things you don't do in this world:

1.) Put Baby in the corner.
2.) Take a cheap shot at Tim Tebow.

So two cheap shots? Ummmm just no. I don't care how big Curry is, should I ever run into him in a dark alley, I'm going to jump him from behind and kick his A$$. When you have to resort to this type of play, it's really no wonder why you lost so bad. I mean...besides the fact that you just suck totally...

http://ncaafootball.aolsportsblog.com/2007/01/16/buckeye-linebackers-arent-nice-to-tim-tebow/

Oscars

Just a happy note that Mark Wahlberg has been nominated for his first Oscar for his role in "The Departed!" Hooray! I personally thought Mark was better than both Leo and Jack Nicholson in the movie and I'm glad he got the recognition for it.

This can only mean one thing - more movies with Mark Wahlberg in the future! Yeah! Sadly it may also mean that now that he's an Oscar-nominee his shirtless scenes might decrease. I'm really not entirely sure I can live with that...but for the time being I'll bask in the golden-tinted glory of his Academy Award nomination.

Best News Ever

One of my personal heroes, Hilary Clinton, has finally annouced what I've been praying for all these years - her running for President. Besides my personal admiration of Clinton as a woman, I think she is smarter, faster and better qualified than any Democrat in politics today. As much as I admire Barack Obama as well, I think Clinton is the best choice we have right now...Barack can run in 2106, when he is 50 years old and has more political experience. And all this will be a win-win for America and get the country back on track from the disaster of the Bush administration the last 6 years.

So excited!!!!!!

Required Reading

My daily celebrity gossip and news junkie addictions are fast approaching scary proportions. I find that I can't concentrate on what I have to do unless I am checking a number of Web sites throughout the day to make sure I haven't missed anything going on in the world outside my office. Some may call this ADD. I call it "research" and "stuff I should be up on because I'm in PR and it's my job to know these things." I also occasionally call it "Things I Need to Know in Order to Continue Kicking A$$ at Trivial Pursuit, specifically the Pop Culture Edition."

At any given moment in time, I am checking the following:

www.aol.com
www.gmail.com
www.perezhilton.com
www.cnn.com
www.myspace.com
www.wwtdd.com
www.idontlikeyouinthatway.com
www.gofugyourself.com
www.jolieinnyc.com
www.bestweekever.tv
www.dlisted.com
www.popsugar.com
www.justjared.com
www.jossip.com
www.mediabistro.com
www.pagesix.com
www.nypost.com

and the blogs of my friends:
www.giltpleasures.blogspot.com

and the blogs of friends of friends:
www.sassysashasblog.blogspot.com

This is a lot of f*ing Web sites, considering that all but two of these outlets pretty much recycle the same crap amongst themselves. However, if you are bored, and in need of good "pass the time" reading...click on any of the links above. Don't think you will be able to memorize this stuff like I can though...but feel free to challenge me to Trivial Pursuit anyway.

Remember..tonight...might be the best night EVER

Just a reminder to set your TiVo's to both the Colbert Report and the O'Reilly Factor, as both Bill O'Reilly (boooo! boooo!) and Steven Colbert (hooray! hooray!) will be the guests on each other's shows. Steven is going to bring his A-game tonight...I can feel it...and I can't wait!

Dina Lohan is a Moron

My support for Team Lohan is unwavering...get well soon Lindsay! However, it is official that Dina Lohan is out of her mind. She issued the following statement after it broke that Lindsay is in rehab:


"I'm so proud of her. She's really in a good place right now, spiritually and mentally. She's in an amazing, phenomenal place. She's 20 and she's solid, and she's doing what she needs to do. I don't know that many people who are that secure. It's all about her, and getting back on track. She's fine -- she's amazingly fine."


Are you kidding me? Your 20-year-old daughter, who legally isn't even allowed to drink yet, checks into rehab and you say she's in an amazing and phenomenal place? That she's solid? Is this a joke? She is NOT fine or secure! She needs a mother, who can help her reign it in! A 20-year-old cannot be let loose in Los Angeles with millions of dollars to her name, while her mother does who-knows-what back in Long Island...(I read Page Six, I know what you've been up to Dina!)

This is so sad...I think Lindsay is super talented. I'm afraid she's heading down the same path as like River Phoenix or something...hopefully she's got her head on straighter than we know. Team Lohan in 2007!

My Xmas List Has Already Been Started...

Yes. I would like the AWESOMENESS that will be the Jack Bauer action figure, under the tree, on December 25. Nevermind that I will be 27 years old at that time (nevermind that I just saw my life flash before my eyes either)...it matters not. One gift mom, and I know you read this. There will be two editions. And I want them both.

http://www.allheadlinenews.com/articles/7006151556

New Girl Crush

Kathryn Heigl of Grey's Anatomy! Not only was she one of the best dressed at the Golden Globes (and in general at awards shows) but she seems down-to-earth and real. Most specifically, she spoke out against Isiah Washington's unnecessary re-hashing of the on-set drama involving T.R. Knight telling Access Hollywood that his comments were unnecessary, that he should learn to keep his mouth shut and said she would beat down anyone who spoke out against her friends!!! Love it!! Cause that sounds like something I would say. Like the one time some a-hole cop blocked us in at a football game when we were parked illegally (and it was obvious we didn't know we were) and I called him an a-hole for talking to my friend like an idiot and then he sat there and blocked us in for two more hours. And I just continued calling him a d*@k until one of my friend's went over and apologized for my mouth. But then I gave him the middle finger out the back window on our way out of the parking lot, much to my delight, much to the chagrin of my friends...but I digress.

Anyways, I remember hating Isiah Washington when he appeared on Oprah because he was all high and mighty about his role and I was like dude, you are an actor, calm down, you're not really a cardiothoracic surgeon. Especially because he appeared alongside Ellen Pompeo who was so sweet and cool....anyways, the point of this is Kathryn Heigl kicks ass!

Golden Globes Thoughts

My thoughts on the Golden Globes…very quickly.

Dane Cook. YES.

Sascha Baron Cohen. HOT.

Warren Beatty. COULD HAVE BEEN FUNNIER.

Jamie Foxx. I HATE YOU.

Jennifer Hudson. I LOVE YOU.

Kate Winslet. PERFECTION.

Cameron Diaz. HO-RRENDOUS.

Justin Timberlake. HILARIOUS. SEE YOU IN FEBRUARY MY LOVE. MY LOVE. MY LOVE…AINT ANOTHER BOY WHO COULD TAKE YOUR SPOT MY LOVE.

Helen Mirren. WOULD LOVE TO LOOK LIKE HER AT HER AGE.

Tom Hanks. PLEASE MAKE ANOTHER MOVIE.

Jack Nicholson. I’D BE YOUR GIRLFRIEND FOR REAL.

Justin Chambers. YOU DON’T GET NEARLY ENOUGH CAMERA TIME!

Martin Scorsese. FINALLY! GO ITALIANS!

Mark Wahlberg. JUST…YES.

Forest Whittaker. ADORABLE.

And finally some good news. Although they weren’t full-on tears, when American Ferrara won her Golden Globe I had tears in my eyes. I had to squeeze realllly hard for them to come out and I was two glasses of wine deep, but they were there. This is the pointless crap I am used to crying over…with any luck and without alcoholic assistance, I’ll be back on track soon.

Book Recos

Also...finished Sammy's Hill last week by Kristen Gore and it was amazing. This is the book I would love to write and am currently trying to write (Page 10 ya'll!). Highly, highly recommend it.

So then I started this new book called "Bloodchild and other stories" by Octavia something or other. I picked this up in the building book exchange not realizing that it was science fiction short stories. I've never been one for science fiction in general, nevermind in print form, but I figured in the spirit of trying new things in the new year, I'd give it a shot.

It's just as wierd as one would expect. The first story was about humans who are kept on a preserve and raised to give birth to the alien lifeforms who keep them alive, with particular emphasis on one human and one alien who are like in love or something. The second story is about people who are born with a disease that causes them to mutilate themselves until they die. This one is more interesting than the other, but kind of graphic and hard to read at times.

This is not my cup of tea, however, I can appreciate two things 1.) Inventing entire new worlds is not an easy thing to do, much less write about, in a convincing way and 2.) the writing is very good.

Moreover, it's book #3 on the year and that's more important that anything. Once finished, I'll be three down, 23 to go.

P.S. the Italian DVDs remain unopened to date.

TV is back!

This is quickly shaping up to be the best week ever. Jack Bauer is back and in full effect. American Idol, no words necessary, starts again tomorrow. Heroes starts again next week. Listen closely, that's the sound of my head almost exploding.

I'm a Heartless B!tch

Over the weekend, I watched several really sad movies and TV shows with my roommates in an attempt to see if I could get myself to cry. I recently saw the movie “The Holiday” and despite my contempt for Cameron Diaz realized that I too, could not cry and in fact, have not cried in nearly seven months. (in The Holiday, Cameron's character has a problem crying which is conveniently solved near the movie's end.)

I have no explanation for this. I used to cry all the time – as a matter of fact, I love crying. Everyone feels better after crying. I don’t even have to be sad, if something is exciting or funny or happy, I’ll cry about it. I didn’t cry in front of other people until I was 13 or so, but once I began doing it, I loved it.

Now, I’ve reverted somehow and it bothers me. Not only am I not crying, I’m not even getting a lump in my throat.

So I TiVo’d Extreme Makeover Home Edition and all these shows with sad/uplifting topics to see if I could get my tear ducts working normally again. In the meantime, my roommates have taken to calling me “heartless bitch” for my recent emotional shortcomings and I don’t really like that.

Cool NY Activity

Last night, I got the opportunity to check out the Upright Citizen's Brigade theater and had a kick-ass time. If you've never checked it out, you really should. Especially on Tuesday's when apparently improv comedy troupes come perform. Based on audience suggestion, the troupes act out an idea over the course of a half hour. For example, last night someone shouted out eBay and right then and there the troupe acted out the birth of eBay and it's world domination. It was so funny. And amazing, considering they were making everything up on the spot.

It's perfect for a date or just something to do when bored. And you support local theater and comedy at the same time.

Oh and FYI...

..on the resolution front, just thought it was worth noting that on the plane ride back from SoFla to NYC on January 2, I read an entire book. Granted, it was cheesy airport fare, but it was decent enough to whip through. It was called Mad River Road in case you're ever in the airport and can't do another SuDoKu puzzle.

I'm also halfway through a very excellent book called Sammy's Hill...written by Al Gore's daughter, Kristen Gore. It's so funny and relevant and I'm not even finished with it yet. I highly recommend it.

Also, happy to report that my building has begun an unofficial book swap on the bottom floor and I've already given/taken three books...so I think this New Year's reso is right on track. Take that haters!

Best Night of Television...Ever?

One of my favorite television shows of all time, The Colbert Report, will be at it's all time best on January 18 when Colbert interviews Bill O'Reilly (host of one of my most hated television shows of all time) on his show...and then O'Reilly will host Colbert on his.

It took me a full day to process this information and then I realized, that besides every episode of American Idol to have ever aired, this might be the best night of television...ever.

As a matter of fact, I'm not alone in thinking this. I don't think I could have put it any better than the people at my new favorite blog bestweekever.tv did:

"Next Thursday, January 18th, Stephen Colbert and Bill O’Reilly are going to appear on each other’s respective shows. And I’m going to appear on my respective couch in front of my respective TiVo."

Hey, Jealousy

No matter how over someone you are, I think it's just human nature to be weirded out when your ex starts dating someone new. Through the phenomenal stalking tool that is MySpace, I happened to notice, quite on accident, I SWEAR, that my ex-boyfriend may be dating a new girl. Confirmed for sure via semi-drunken text message earlier this evening. (Side note, there is a new blog coming on why text messaging is the devil, compiled by various brunch conversations this weekend.)

Anyone who knows me, knows that me and this person should not be together and breaking up, after a very long and drawn out period of time, was better for the both of us. And I cannot repeat enough times that I have finally exorcised my demons and am in a good place now, after the personal debacle that was my summer and early fall.

That's why I was so surprised to feel the wierd feeling I got noticing that he was with someone else, even though I can't lie, the small sense of victory I got from knowing I'm cuter than she is felt pretty good haha.

Maybe what bothered me more is that his dating her, I suspect, times not so coincidentally with his decision to stop talking to me. One of the things that I always hoped for J. and I would be that we could be the exes that never stopped being friends, given that we were best friends for such a long time before we got together. Maybe that was wishful thinking, I am realistic...and I know that more often than not, this is not the case. And I guess I have no choice but to be okay with that, and for once, I think I am.

But given the dating scene here in New York, which can only be described as hellish at best, it is a bit difficult to know that he won the race that we all kind of enter when we break up with someone, a race we are only semi-conscious of entering. Despite my desire not to wish him the best, I still care enough about him and actually do wish him the best. He doesn't read this blog, luckily, but hopefully my good karma comes back to me sooner or later.

Hooray

Today was a GREAT day.

On my way into work this morning, I was running a bit behind schedule, so I didn't think it would be too dangerous to stop into Kudo Beans (homebase of McWigger) for a coffee, especially because McWigger's hours are 10-3 and at this point in time it was only 8:45.

I get to the counter and guess who pops up to serve me! McWigger! I held back my gasp, because I was truly surprised, and said hello. I kind of cursed myself because this is clearly my own violation, but I never expected him to be in there, nevermind behind the register.

However, I got out the hello and he said what's going on in a friendly tone and I ordered a regular coffee. Of course he made an elementary-school style joke about my turtleneck, which I deflected, and then ordered a bagel. And then...nothing!! That was it. I got my change and left, as if it was any other coffee shop in the world.

I was elated. I don't think I'll be making any regular appearances at the store, but at least now I know the going is safe. Without wanting to jinx myself, I think I'm going to go ahead and say that the McWigger saga is over. Which is a bit sad, because it's so damned funny, but it's also drama, and I hate drama. I'm like Mary J. Blige...except white. And...well a lot of other things too I guess, but Mary J. and I have this one thing in common.

Nelly Furtado

As usual, I'm a little late to hop on the what's-hot-in-music bandwagon (you may recognize me, I'm the one running behind it, jumping on at the last possible second), and I know that a lot of people have already heaped praise on Nelly Furtado's latest album, which I recently downloaded. But there are two really good tracks on there "Say It Right" and "All Good Things (Come to an End)" that are so awesome, I just can't stop playing them. Ladies, play them for yourself (boys you can dance to them if you want but if I were you I'd skip them to save your masculinity) and listen to the lyrics. Then listen to "Maneater" one more time, and I'm pretty sure you'll sail through 2007 with the same attitude I have adopted for myself. Something along the lines of F* it, let's just see where the road takes us. Even if you don't want to adopt that attitude, the songs are good to make you feel better about whatever may be going on. LOVE IT!

New Job

Also, today I accepted an offer that couldn't be refused from one of the places I was freelancing at, to work full-time. I'm really happy with my decision, I get to keep all of my 2007 travel plans (of which there are many) and I have opportunities for growth that I didn't think I'd have until a few years down the road. Although I LOVED freelancing, I HATED it's unpredictability, so this is awesome. I am finally excited about my career again and I have something I can really throw myself into. New Year + New Job = New Possibilities!

Reason Number 2,567 Why I'm Not Sexy

So on New Year's Eve, I went to this party in Tampa with my best friend O. and her new boyfriend. The party was being thrown by a couple who lives in Tampa, who are friends with girls in my best friend's graduate classes at UF.

So O's friends have been trying to set her up for some time with a friend of theirs, who lives in New York named G. But now O. is no longer single and apparently G. is good-looking, smart and funny. So O. says get your game face on just in case and I'm like yeah, okay whatever.

We get there and I promptly forget that this person is supposed to be coming, I'm busy just trying to meet people, get to know everyone and blend in. The couple who threw the party was sooo nice, they were barbecuing for everyone and pretty soon a hamburger comes my way.

I am absolutely STARVING, so I'm like scarfing my hamburger down when all of the sudden, O. taps me on the shoulder to meet G....precisely at the same minute that I stuffed a GIANT piece of hamburger in my mouth.

So I cover my mouth with one hand, turn to shake with the other and find myself staring at a super hot kid. I scream inside my head "MOTHERFUCKER!" but manage to meet him anyways.

A few moments later, someone asks if I've met G. and I'm thankfully sans burger at this point, and he says, yes we met when she was right in the middle of her hamburger. At more or less the same time, I go, yes I was taking a big bite of hamburger, it was totally hot, I'm pretty sure he thinks I'm very attractive. It was a good joke, O. laughed, as did I. G.? Not so much. I found out later, even though during the night we did talk and said we'd hang out in NYC that he hooked up with another girl there anyways. Which is fine, it's New Year's Eve and that's what people do...unless you are me, who meets the only hot boy at a party with cheeks stuffed full of hamburger.

Hot!!!!

A New McWigger Story

..after a story about grocery store freaks.

Veggie-Tales

Although I’m not technically making it a New Year’s resolution, one of the things I’d like to do in 2007 is cook at home more. Despite the fact that I always thought I was a really bad cook, I am, in fact, a pretty decent one, and would like to do practice. So last night, I opened up the Rachel Ray cookbook my sister bought me last Christmas (and up until yesterday had not been opened) and found a soup recipe that looked good.

I wrote down the ingredients and headed off to the grocery store to buy everything and upon arriving promptly had my eyes rest on the cucumbers and remembered an dirty joke my mom told me on Christmas Eve. I was peeling cucumbers for the salad and remarked how really obscene looking cucumbers were. I’m not quite sure why I wondered that out loud, and in front of my mom, but then my mom said well you know what they say, if cucumbers could take out the garbage, what would we need men for? I guess the apple doesn’t fall too far after all.

Anyways, so I see the cucumbers, and have to work really hard not to laugh out loud and set off to find everything. I had everything together before I noticed that you needed rosemary. The grocery store did not have the various spices labeled and between the dill, thyme, mint, cilantro, parsley, basil, etc. I had NO idea which one rosemary was. I stared for a few minutes trying to figure it out and then I did the next best thing – I started picking each one up and sniffing it. About five sniffs later, they all smelled the same, so I turned to the lady next to me and said:

“This is going to sound really dumb, but do you know which one rosemary is?”

I got a blank stare. And then she gave this really creepy and maniacal laugh. I was a bit confused to say the least, so I tried again. I thought maybe she did not speak English and could have been a bit confused.

So, I pointed to the spices and go – “rosemary?”

Blank stare. No laugh.

So, I went back to English and said “Umm I don’t cook a whole lot…do you know which one is rosemary?”

And then she just goes No. Like I was the crazy one. I mean, I guess it is possible she caught me sniffing all the spices like I was trying to get high from them. I don’t know.
But I just turned around, cause clearly this lady is a freak regardless of what she thinks of me, and I spy a little pre-packaged clump of rosemary, which I bought and the soup came out delicious.

McWigger
It was bound to happen I guess. So, after the grocery store adventure, I went home and put all the groceries away, changed and headed out to the gym. I wasn’t feeling too hot, but my iPod came back to life, so I did my 2 miles on the treadmill even though I felt like lead and went downstairs to stretch it out.

I’m right in the middle of stretching when I see McWigger coming down the stairs with his friend Hockey Scout (one of the coffee shop crew of guys was this guy who is a scout for the Devils. He’s nice, but he’s friends with McWigger, therefore, he’s a douche-by-association in my book). Anyways, I have no idea what they are doing there since McWigger went on and on and on during our “date” about his workout routine in the morning (and this was about 6 p.m. at night) at New York Sports Clubs. He gave me the entire rundown of his fitness routine and made it very clear that although he was really good friends with Original Gym Boyfriend (also the gym’s owner) that the gym didn’t have everything to fit his needs, even though he could go for NOTHING! Which didn’t surprise me because McWigger enjoyed spending money, he told the price of everything he had bought the entire month before our “date” as well as the price of his outfit! That detail may not be known to some of you.

Anyways, so here they are in MY gym coming down the stairs! I’m like Jesus H. Christ don’t tell me they are going to start working out here now. So McWigger spies me and gives me like a finger point and I just kind of moved my mouth to the corner in a half smile/grimace and then looked down and kept stretching.

I move onto situps, which weren’t easy because a.) I haven’t worked out in two weeks and b.) I have a cold … so I’m taking a number of breaks. McWigger and his friend were using the bench press right in front of me so it was really difficult not to look their way if I had my head up at all. At one point, I do catch his eye and he gives me like a hurry up signal and I respond with a very exaggerated hacking cough that I’m sure was super attractive. And then I just go I’m sick and put my head back down. But for the most part, McWigger was not looking at me at all and was ignoring me too! Thank God! Maybe he has gotten the hint!

I needed a weight to finish the last part of my situps and on my way to get it, McWigger pretends to go and trip me as I walk by. I step right over him and get the weight, go the long way back to my mat. By now, McWigger and his friend have moved on to another part of the gym and I’m free to look wherever I please. I finish my workout and leave without further incident.

The good news is, I’d actually rather be on these semi-acknowledgement and then ignore terms with McWigger than having to avoid him all together since clearly we’re going to run into one another from time to time. So long as he’s not yelling to embarrass me – and actually just embarrassing himself – I think we’ll be fine. Like I’ve said before, he’s totally emotionally-stunted and an assclown, but he’s not dangerous or anything. The bad news is, I do NOT want to see McWigger in the gym with anything resembling regularity. His laugh goes right under my skin and he’s one of those annoying guys who is like always laughing at his own jokes and at everything everyone says.

I guess the test will be if they are in the gym today or if this was a one-time incident. Please pray for me.

2007 New Year's Resolutions

In order to properly make 2007 New Year's resolutions, I thought I'd go back to my 2006 resolutions to see how well I did.

My 2006 resolutions were:

1.) Read 52 books. Status: Failed. I read a good number of books, but no where close to 52. I say I read between 13-20...and only a handful worth remembering. The rest were what I picked up in the airport to keep myself occupied.

2.) Learn Italian. Status: Failed. The DVD set my sister got me remains unopened on my book shelf. Que pena. Too bad that's spanish.

3.) Write for 15 minutes every day. Status: Questionable at best. Maybe if you averaged all that I wrote it would net out somewhere near 15 minutes every two or three days. But not every day.

4.) Call friends and family more often. Status: Pretty okay. Sadly, MySpace and e-mail may have allowed me to slack on this a bit, but if the object is too keep in touch than I did just fine.

5.) Don't Worry About Things Beyond Your Control. Status: Great success (said in Borat voice). I actually think I did really well with this one, letting go of things that keep me down and keep focused on the positive. I guess if I had to stick with any resolution, this would have been the best one.

So, with my 20% success rate in keeping my 2006 resolutions, maybe I should set slightly more manageable goals for 2007. Those are:

1.) Learn Italian. I fully plan on going to Italy by year's end. My sister got me the travel guide to go with the language DVDS, so if this does not get done I'm going to trade in my last name and heritage. Because I don't deserve them.

2.) Read 26 Books. That's one book every two weeks. And if I just stop f*ing around on the computer, reading pointless celeb gossip throughout the day, this should not be a problem.

3.) Write for 10 minutes every day. Just writing this post is taking care of today. I feel more accomplished already. Plus, I'm on Page 9 of my book. If I can write for just 10 minutes every day, that's 3,650 minutes of writing. That's about 61 hours of writing, which should get me well past page 100. One would hope.

4.) Travel. Alot. With two planned trips to Europe already on the table, I hope this is not too hard. Plus, I want to buy a giant world map and start sticking in pins of every place I've been to- both in the US and abroad. I think that will be good motivation too.

And I think that's about good enough to set myself up for failure. Just like I did last year, sometime around June I'll check in with myself and see how well I'm not doing.

My Own Year End List

I have read so many year-end lists the last few weeks - best and worst movies of 2006, best and worst albums of 2006, most annoying celebrities, celebrities we love the most, best media moments of 2006, biggest whores of the year, the list goes on- that I decided to create one of my own.

I had to think for a minute about what I would write about. What matters so much to me that I care enough to create a list about it...and I finally settled on people I am over. People that I can't stand and people that are close to being people I can't stand.

So, without further ado, Lia's List of People She is So Over in 2006 into 2007.

1.) Jamie Foxx: At home in Boca over the break I watched a number of old In Living Color episodes and remembered why I liked Jamie Foxx. Then Jamie Foxx did the movie Ray, won the Golden Globe and the Oscar, appeared on Kanye West's Golddigger and became a giant a-hole. Whenever you see Jamie now he's talking about how talented he is and thanking his grandmother who's been dead for like two years. He is so cocky now that I wouldn't be surprised if testicles actually started growing from his neck. I hate him and will continue to do so.

2.) Britney Spears: I'm pretty sure this doesn't really require an explanation but can tell you the only capacity in which I'd like to see Britney Spears in 2007. All I can hope is that some producer does not give Britney some amazing beat that she can pant/breathe over and call it a song. I can only pray that said song does not shoot to #1 and everyone declares Britney's comeback for real. What I do hope is that she goes on some drug-and-alcohol induced binge for like a week, has sex with someone like Bubba Sparxx and gets pregnant again, thereby taking away all chances of us ever having to endure her. Or that the media gets a clue and just stops putting her on TV all together.

3.) Madonna: Such a self-important bitch. I really can't stand her anymore and haven't been able to for some time. She's trying to be Angelina, but there is only room for one Angelina in this world, and Angelina Jolie has already claimed it.

4.) Paris Hilton: I have never understood this. She has a lazy eye for god sakes! Like, a really bad lazy eye!

5.) Tom Cruise: If only we could have lived in Top Gun and Jerry McGuire forever! In 2006, all Tom Cruise did was prove he is no more than a talented, crazy, midget.

6.) Sharon Stone: Another one who thinks she is just so awesome, yet she looks like a witch in bad need of more Botox. I just can't stand her. She had one movie that was big. And only because she showed her vagina. I know she does a lot for AIDS research, that's commendable, but she's famous for showing her vagina. In a movie. A very long time ago.

7.) Sela Ward: There are probably only like five people who read this and know who she is, but for some unknown reason I just hate this woman. That's not going to change just because its 2007.

8.) Original Gym Boyfriend. With all the new Gym Boyfriends I have, I just felt the need to repeat that I don't need him anymore. In all his hotness. Even if I think he is broken up with his girlfriend. We're over!

9.) McWigger: Just because. Fuck him.

People Who Are on the Brink:

1.) Lindsay Lohan: I really want Lindsay Lohan to make it because I think she is truly talented. But she has to get her act together like ASAP. I think her mom should start acting a bit more like a mom and a lot less like a best friend. Team Lohan in 2007!

2.) Perez Hilton: For reasons previously mentioned.

3.) Gwen Stefani: Another one who just may be creeping onto the self-important side. I'll give her this year to see if we can still be friends.

The Best Bad Date Story in a While...and Not Mine

I realize my blog is totally boring in the absence of bad dates and my drunken mistakes. I mean, does anyone really care about my seeing the Nutcracker? Is the coolest thing I had to say the other day that the French toast bagel at Starbucks is amazing? I mean, it totally is, but that’s the stuff suburban moms would/should blog about. I am not there yet.

The good news is, when I enter this void, I have friends who fill it with their own adventures – drunken and otherwise – and share those stories with me so that I can post them online for the world to read.

So a friend of mine, who shall remain nameless to protect her identity among those who may read this and know her (and no she is not one of my roommates) has been semi-dating a boy who is in her circle of friends. About a month ago, they were at a birthday party of another friend and were drinking heavily. He realllllly likes her, so he didn’t leave her side the whole night and pretty soon, moves were made. He asked her, once the party had ended, if she wanted to come back to his place and she said yes.

Back at his house, things continued as they often do in those situations, I’ll let you use your imagination …but things didn’t get too far because my friend had her monthly visitor. So…at this point, the kid is very eager to please her and in his excitement scratches her pretty badly across a mole she has on her chest, right under her breast. She knew that it hurt really bad, but she was drunk and therefore, it didn’t hurt as much as she knew it would the next day.

So fast forward to the morning, he is sleeping and she sneaks off, jumps in a cab and goes home. When she is home, she goes to get the shower and sees that her entire stomach area is covered in blood. She freaks out because she has no idea where the blood came from until she looks and her mole is COMPLETELY GONE. The kid had ripped it completely off the night before!

As soon as she realizes this, she begins to freak out because now that she’s aware that its gone she realizes how painful it is. But then… she thinks back to when she was gathering her things and realizes that there were spots on his sheets. In her tiredness and in the faint light she hadn’t given it much thought but THEN, not only does she realize it was her own blood but she realizes that he is NEVER going to know that he ripped off her mole – and instead is going to think that she bled on his bed because of her period!

Now she freaks out again because this is a lose-lose situation! She can’t call him and say, hey, um I just want you to know that I didn’t bleed from my vagina all over your sheets, you actually just ripped off my mole from my body. And if she says nothing than she never addresses, one way or another, that she left blood on his bed! Awful!

So we’re sitting at brunch and she tells us this story and me and my other friend who were listening, we can’t help it, we double over. Like tears coming out of my eyes all over the place laughing. I literally cried off all of the makeup I had put on.

The worst part is that because of the holidays, I haven’t talked to her since this story so I have no idea what the resolution was…but I’ll find out. Stay tuned.

Starbucks and the Nutcracker...or Starcracker?

I think my love of combining words has been taken too far.

Anyways, this month I've been working in an office just across the street from Macy's, H&M, Forever 21 and Old Navy. It's only through Christmas miracles that I have not gone bankrupt yet. It's also worth mentioning that around the corner is also Sephora, Lush, Victoria's Secret, Steve & Barry's....and the entire remainder of the Manhattan Mall.

Interestingly enough, despite my desire to do otherwise, I have not spent my entire checking account in any of these places. Instead, I've chosen to spend on something that gives back to me mentally and physically - Starbucks and Dunkin Donuts.

Depending on line length, I have switched between these two venues for my morning cup of coffee and bagel. During this time, I've discovered the French Toast bagel at Starbucks which is nothing short of amazing. "A dancing plethora on my pallette," if you will - to combine and paraphrase two Dane Cook jokes.

The Nutcracker

If you ever have the chance to be in New York at Christmastime, this is a must! I have to say I was a little bit out of the Christmas spirit..just because it hasn't been too chilly, I still have shopping yet to do and we didn't have a Christmas tree this year. But seeing this beautiful show perked me right up and got me right into the spirit. It's so gorgeous and so amazing. Me, A. and K. realllllllllly had to restrain ourselves from doing pirohouttes out the door, which thank god we did since every little girl outside was doing that and we would have looked like a-holes.

Speaking of hilarious...

The other day I posted one of the funniest SNL skits I'd seen in a while, until I also got my hands on this from the same episode. Hilarious! Justin Timberlake is amazing....AMAZING! My new hero. I love him. I can't WAIT to see him in February in concert. I'm going to cry tears of joy again, just like I did when I saw Shaki. I can feel it.



*note, this can be even funnier if the sound is off. just watching him dance in that costume is hilarious.

Am I Over Perez?

I think I might be. Don't get me wrong, I'm still going to read his site because I think he breaks celeb news better and faster than anyone in Hollywood, but I think I'm over him.

This all kind of started back in June when I had to do a project that required me to go to a gifting suite at the MTV VMA's. This was the night I met Snoop Dogg, aka the greatest moment ever, so nothing that happened after that was going to bring me down. In any case, the last "celeb" to walk through was Perez. Now, at this point, I was a huge fan. I had referred sooo many people to his site, which I had been following since before it was perezhilton.com, when it was pagesixsixsix.com, and I just thought that they way he was making the blogosphere a credible way of getting news out there was admirable.

Anyways, he comes to our booth and I tell him that I really like his work, that I've been a follower, blah blah and how I also appreciate the South Florida references he throws in from time to time. To which he replies, oh, where in south florida are you from? and to which I say, boca raton and he says, in a suuuuuuuuuuuuper snotty voice, "that's not south florida."

First of all, I hate this. People say this all the time and its not true. The southern part of Palm Beach County is South Florida. The northern part is not, because some people have southern accents and I find that contradictory to what South Florida stands for - beaches, Cubans and people from Long Island and New Jersey in retirement.

Second, if I'm sitting here, complimenting you, letting you know that its because of people like me, that you are you, how are you going to turn around and act like a jerk? Anyways, I promptly cut our conversation off and handed him his product. Then me and my colleague went and got a martini and bitched that he was a bitch.

So, since then I've kind of cooled my adoration, but I was still a fan, but lately, Perez is putting up more news about himself than he does about celebs. I don't know, I get it, it's part of his gig, but seriously, I'm kind of getting tired of it. Maybe put up a media section, and remind people once a week that X, Y and Z mags have profiled you.

And...not that I'm saying like 20 posts a day, instead of 30-40 isn't good enough, but lately Perez has been slacking on the new news. When it was a slow gossip day, he'd put up funny photos or funny videos...now it's like his own merchandise or video of him on Geraldo at Large..and while I've heard Geraldo at Large is one of the fastest growing news magazines on air, I still dont' care. It's still Geraldo and quite frankly, I've read all the other pieces on Perez at this point, I don't think he's going to reveal anything Earth shattering. His story is pretty black-and-white, besides his whole mission of outing closeted celebs (another post entirely), he's a blogger who hit the big time. Pure and simple. Now let's get back to what made him so fun to begin with - his gossip about celebrities...not his own new brand of celebrity.

It's what I like to think of as the Oprah complex. Like Oprah, who is forever tooting her own horn on all the good works she does (and not that it takes away from the good works, I'm just saying she talks an awful lot about herself)...if Perez talks about himself, if Oprah talks about herself...is that why they are Perez and Oprah - because unless they are talking about it everyday, the chances of someone else doing so are slim to none? Is self-promotion the best kind? Should I be posting pictures of myself from my hospital opening in South Africa last year? Should I have posted the photo of me rescuing orphaned dogs and cats in Hurricane Katrina? Should I stop putting celebrities on the cover of my magazine and put my own face on there every month? Maybe so...

I'm headed off to Malawi for the holiday then, to adopt David Banda's little brother and sister, I'll make sure to have the news cameras not far behind. Stay tuned.

Another Mouse in the House, Hilarity Does NOT Ensue

A few weeks ago, I had the chance to do something that was not really fun. I was woken up at 9:30 a.m., after going to sleep/passing out at 4 a.m., by the sound of my roommate making a sound not unlike what I imagine chimpanzees having sex would sound like. Kind of a "ooooh oooh oooh" sound, interspersed with "oh no's." I guess that means the chimpanzees would have to know how to speak. Maybe they'd be special chimpanzees, the kind you can teach sign language to, for example. Anyways, I figured one of two things had happened when I woke up out of a dead sleep to hear this noise. One would be that she really got hurt or something. The other would be that the mouse that we've suspected was in the house had been caught. Actually, we didn't suspect. We knew. He'd peeked out from under the stove a couple times over the two weeks prior. When P. and A. saw him there were screams and then a phone call to me. Met by me, he received the usual greeting of "Get the fuck out of our house!" Anyways, I hear this noise and then I hear a knock on the door and P. going "Liaaaaaaaaaaa, Liaaaaaaaaaa. Please wake up. Please. Now."

So I get up and she points down and there is a teeny tiny mouse caught in a glue trap on the side of the refrigerator. It was Sunday morning. I had no contacts in. I had no idea where my glasses were and the best I could do was open one eye halfway. Having learned my lesson from the last time, I shuffle over to the dustpan, slide the mouse and trap onto the pan with the paint roller extender, and leave them there on the ground while I grab a plastic bag. I do manage to get a glance at P. who is look at me with mouth half-open since at this point, I have yet to say a word. Not because I was mad or anything but because I was so exhausted.

I grab a plastic bag, flip the mouse and trap into the bag - but not before my curiousity gets the best of me and I lean in for a closer look at our little friend. I was sad to find he was absolutely adorable. P.'s mouth is agape at this point and I finally get out the word "awwww." She is like get him out of here now. And then she calls me a freak.

So I bring him downstairs and put him in the regular garbage can to meet his fate. No beatings, no screaming, no running outside at breakneck speed. I have officially become the Mouse Queen...which is fitting since tonight I am going to see the Nutcracker and I believe there is a character called the Rat King or Mouse King or something like that. Perhaps there is a slim chance the ballet dancer in this role will call me up on stage and we can do a mouse tango together.

Andy Samberg + JT = Lia's True Loves

Ok forget James Franco. He's still hot, and he can still be my boyfriend, but the way to this girl's heart is easy...be hilarious.

That's why I love what Andy Samberg is doing to SNL. And why Justin Timberlake needs to get rid of Cameron and get with me immediately. Besides being incredibly good-looking, our kids would also be insanely awesome dancers...enough said.

This is the funniest thing I have ever seen.

Welcome Back Rockstar

Proving, if only to myself, that I still have what it takes...Saturday was officially one of the longest days of my life, going all the way from approximatelly 9:40 a.m. until 8:00 a.m. the following day.

It would only be fair to admit that I did have a one hour nap around 7:30 p.m. and then another quick nap from 5:40 a.m. to 6:00 a.m., but I am older now and I think that's only fair.

The day included driving from NJ to NYC, seeing the tree in Rock Center with my too-cute cousins (who are seriously just too cute, I can't even stand it), heading up to Central Park, going home, eating, watching a movie, nap #1, rallying, going to a comedy show, going to a cool place called the Casablanca Tea Room, telling the bouncer he was my new BFF, watching P. tell the bouncer he looks like Usher, me telling Usher that he was my BFF not P's, a bit of dancing, trying to karate kick a wooden board in half and failing, trying to do a pull-up on scaffolding and failing, kicking a plate of glass hanging out on the street and SUCCEEDING, props to PC for making that possible, watching PC attempt to dive over three trees on a dare from P. and failing, taking nap #2 and then the clincher, going to WCBS to supervise the taping of a segment at 7:15 a.m., call time was 6:30 a.m., I walked into the station in my going out clothes (which were thankfully workplace friendly), finished and was back in bed by 8 a.m. where I stayed until 1:35 p.m.

Reading this back, it sounds somewhat juvenile, but I do promise that this was a really fun, classy night and the majority of hijinks happened on the walk home. I should also note that because I knew I had a 6:30 call time that I paced accordingly.

Then I got up, went to brunch and went to see "The Holiday" where it was confirmed that:

1.) Cameron Diaz is the worst actress EVER and her life's success can only be attributed to a deal with Satan
2.) Kate Winslet is the BEST actress ever and my new favorite. She has one scene in the movie where she delivers this semi-speech and I have to say, I literally thought I was going to burst into tears because a.) She did it so well b.) She might as well have been talking to me.
3.) Jude Law is incredibly good-looking
4.) Jack Black is hilarious

This was followed by two margaritas and Mexican food, which made me one of the most tired people to be on planet Earth last night. I crashed at 10 and had one of the best sleeps ever. Maybe rock stars can go on for weeks at a time partying like this, but I suspect they use cocaine to accomplish that. I did it au naturel.

So Today I...

...went for my dream job interview. It lasted about 15 minutes during which I attempted to stay Claritin-Clear and not let my horrible cold get in the way. I think it went well, I can't be sure. It's always the interviews where you are never sure how you did that you learn you did amazing. I don't know, whatevs, I'm just glad I did it so that I can say that I tried.

Something else fun, was that I offically erased the bad taste McWigger left on my soul and went out last night on a good date. However, I'm declaring war on the word date because I think it is stupid. We're not in 1950 anymore. My brother once told me the term is hang out and I am going with that because I figure he would know. Anyone who has seen my MySpace page, and has subsequently clicked on his profile, can figure out how he knows these things. I swear to God, we are related and I also swear to God that it's not as awful as it seems. Yes, I know he is in his underwear in one photo (at least he was, I have to avoid looking at it so as not to burn my retinas)...but if you know my brother, this will make an odd sort of sense and you will understand. Beneath that Guido exterior is a good boy. But I digress...

When I hung out last night, it was with a cool, funny person and we played darts and drank beer. I think I could be really good at darts one day, if I just learn how to aim.

It's Like Ice Cube Said...

...today was a good day. Well, it was actually yesterday, but whatever.

The day was going along innocently enough. Normal, as it usually does, when all of the sudden, the whole afternoon flipped upside down.

First, I found out a friend of mine, who pretty much has my dream job, is leaving and is in charge of finding her own replacement. After a momentary (and silent, since I'm in working out of an office this month) mental flip-out, I responded with a letter, written in all capital letters, that I was interested. There were also a number of exclamation points involved. All I can say is, the job would require seeing Diane Sawyer on a daily basis. Followers of this blog will understand the magnitude of that for me.

Shortly after, the lady who runs the business for which I am currently freelancing, basically offered me a partnership in it. Helping her grow it, bringing in clients and taking a cut of what I can bring in. That could potentially mean a ton for me. Besides being super-flattering, it's also the money incentive that normally takes more years in the business to get your hands on. I'm pondering it.

So, needless to say, come 5:30 p.m., I was amped up and needed to get to the gym to run out my excitement. No sooner do I step on the treadmill, then one of my gym boyfriends, nicknamed Fro because of the curly fro he is growing out, enters. Fro and I (at least I think) have been playing the "sh** he/she caught me staring game" for several months. Fro normally comes with a partner, nicknamed Stretch because he stretches a lot, but today he was alone. Fro also cut the hair, but I'm still calling him Fro. And I decide that if opportunity allows, I'm making a move.

So I finish up running, make my way downstairs and engage in the usual game. Only today, being that I was riding high, I decide to take the bull by the horns. Taking a break from situps, Fro is just steps away, I'm pretty sure he is looking, I turn and say, "You cut your hair."

He immediately smiles and we engage in a five minute conversation that goes a little something like this:

Fro: Yes I did.

Me: Why? I've been following its progress for several months.

Fro: Well, I'm a lawyer (me on the inside: Yay!), and I got out of court, went home for lunch and had some time to kill.

Me: Oh, wow. Just like that?

Fro: Yes, just like that. Change is good. Change is inevitable. As a matter of fact, you and I are changing right now.

Me: That we are. What did your fellow lawyers think of the hair? Did it send out a weird vibe?

Fro: (laughs): Haha, I don't know.

Me: Maybe you were the "cool" laywer.

Fro: Or the pothead one.

Me: Maybe.

Fro: So anyways, yes change is good and I can always change it back.

Me: Yes you can. I'm a big fan of changing hair every six to eight weeks.

Fro: Yeah, maybe I'll grow it out again.

Me: Definitely, as a matter of fact, it's growing right now.

Fro: (laughing pretty hard): That's pretty funny.

Me: (Smile with an eyebrow raise.)

We both go back to our exercises. And then we proceed to follow each other around the gym a bit. Smiling and catching each other's eye, when I decide I'm hungry and I need to leave. I think Fro was on a bathroom break when I decided this because he didn't see me go...but I figure that's okay. It will add an aura of mystery to my existance.

New Celebrity Obsession

Have you ever watched a movie, and then immediately turned around and looked up every single bit of information you could find on one of the actors...to the point where you are like, okay, I am totally obsessed with this person and then you run to the nearest coffee shop, grab a cup of coffee and a magazine because you are SURE that if you wait long enough, they'll walk in, notice you and become obsessed with you too, because, hey, this is New York and it totally could happen? No one? Just me? Really?

I exaggerate, I did not run to the coffee shop and wait for James Franco to walk in the door after watching Tristan & Isolde this weekend, but I have googled him every which way and realized, that I just may be in love. Like seriously. Like it's probably not healthy the extent to which I have given him thought this weekend. I'm probably going to buy the movie. It's that bad.

I thought he was totally hot after seeing SpiderMan but seeing him in this movie, I just literally became obsessed. I found out he has also broken up with longtime girlfriend Marla Sokoloff and that leaves the door WIIIDE open for our love affair to begin.

I mean, forget CSI actor George Eads...who has been my celeb obsession for some time...I'm pretty sure James and I are meant to be together. He's totally an artsy guy, he paints, he's super deep, and I realized I can deal with that. Plus he's Sicilian on his dad's side JUST LIKE ME. If that doesn't spell U-N-I-V-E-R-S-E A-L-I-G-N-I-N-G I dont' know what does.

B-List Celebrity Sighting

Finally!

I've been on high alert, given that its holiday time, for all the good celebs. Last year I spotted all the good ones...Gwen, Angelina, Julianne the list goes on. Walking home from P.'s holiday party (more on that in a minute), I saw Kyle KY as Perez calls him, Matt Dallas. He was on a TV show called Kyle XY. I think three people watched it. I dont' even know if it's on anymore. He has very striking eyes and was rocking the alarmingly popular lumberjack chic look on 1st Avenue at 2nd Street. Rampant gay rumors aside, he was with a girl.

After P.'s holiday party, I was on my way home to take a shower and get in bed when my friend called and said she needed a wingman just a few blocks away. Never one to turn down a Thursday night drink, I went, until I got bored an hour later. Not because of my friend though. The place was dead and I was tired from the requisite appearance at P.'s holiday party, where I go not to mingle...but to eat the amazing food they cater. P.'s boss uses the same caterer as Anna Wintour (editor-in-chief of Vogue magazine for those not in the know, ultra-bitch, only uses the best) and he/she does not disappoint. P.'s boss did not disappoint either. Last year, my first impression was 80's power businesswoman and this year she was wearing THE EXACT SAME OUTFIT. Rocking the Cindy Adams hair (New York post gossip columnist, www.pagesix.com, click on the Cindy Adams if you aren't personally privy to how incredible Cindy Adams hair looks in person), leopard blazer, black leather skirt, way too much mascara. Think like Tammy Faye Baker too much. God I love company holiday parties.

Yoplait Commercials

The Yoplait friends are back...and I hate them still. "This is like zen, wrapped in karma, dipped in chocolate good." You know what? That doesn't even make sense.

Those commercials are "bad, wrapped in stupid, topped with ultra-gay awful."

Randomness and K-List Celeb Sightings

Last night, I wasted no time in getting back into the swing of New York life. I had an invitation to attend a party compliments of my old job, with free food and free wine and fashion people, which equals, eat for free, drink for free and watch the freak parade.

It did not disappoint. I got there around 7 when the party was in full swing. The food was not as prevalent as one would hope…but the wine was, and I was proud of myself for checking out after 2 glasses. The first K-list celeb sighting was Angie Everhart, who was the “host” of the party. You know what really sucks? To be an older, white, former supermodel. White people just do not age as gracefully as other races, and this is never more evident than in the supermodel. Angie is still really pretty, her plastic surgeon has taken care of that, but it just so happens that I was watching TV the other day and something about Iman and David Bowie came on, and I was thinking to myself, oh to be Ethiopian and look beautiful forever…and sure enough, just a few days later Angie proves me right. I guess the good lesson to gleam from seeing her is that being a supermodel may be awesome in your teens and 20s, but after that, you’re just like the rest of us. Some may call that poetic justice. I just call it awesome.

Anyways, then Am. came and we left to go meet up with some new friends on the UWS. It was kind of random because we had met a few people at a bar two weeks ago, and thought they were cool, and then one of the kids texted Am. to come meet up with him and his other friends last night. So we said, why not? And sure enough, it was really fun. I had my second K-list celeb sighting, the actress Michael Michelle having dinner with some young, gay-looking, guy. She is stunning, which just also further proves my theory above, even though Michael Michelle was not a model, it’s the same difference.

Anyways, I had a cucumber martini that deserved a standing ovation for deliciousness…and then got into a really fun conversation with a kid who knew Miami Beach, Boca and the J-Shore as much as I do…so our conversation including everything from the career hooker at the Fontainebleau Hotel that I met once (who may or may not have been his 90-year-old grandmother, at least that’s the theory I threw out there), the best Jewish delis in Boca, and guidos at the J-Shore. Good times. I then met a girl who is a forensic pathologist, and promptly engaged her in a conversation about CSI techniques, doing autopsies, how good of a Medical Examiner I would make, and other forensic items of interest. I thought I had died and gone to heaven when she told me a story on how she had ripped out a man’s balls from the inside of his body, after he was dead. Not because I want any man’s balls ripped out from the inside (only maybe a couple of guys I know deserve this), but because I need a hero.