Dane Cook Vs. Imaginary Gym Boyfriend
This past weekend I went to Boston to watch my first choice of imaginary boyfriend, Dane Cook (google him) perform his HBO comedy special. I’ve been watching Dane Cook for several years, ever since some girl on my first job (who later turned out to be a traitor bitch but that’s another story for another day) made me listen to his CD in her car during our lunch hour. And I’ve been in love ever since when I saw what he looked like. He is seriously the funniest person ever, plus he’s hot, which equals instant love on my part, pretty much. I have a sneaking feeling my gym boyfriend is not as funny. Equally hot though.
I also realized the other day that there is a very excellent possibility, that through the power of the internet, my gym boyfriend could read this blog, and therefore, know these thoughts each and every time I walk in and out of the facility. That won’t keep me from writing about it, but I just thought I’d throw that out there.
8th and Ocean
Love it! Check it out.
Real Time Thoughts on American Idol
Because I had such a great time doing it last week, here are my realtime thoughts on American Idol:
Pre-Show:
- Rod Stewart’s hair is pretty cool, but does anyone else see the irony in having a British guy coach the American Idols on the great American songbook?
- Rod Stewart’s baby is damn cute.
- Can Kimberly Stewart possibly be Rod’s adopted daughter? She is so unclassy. He seems cool. Old guy. Young wife. Young baby. Sweet.
- How corny that they are all singing upon his entrance. Gag.
Show:
- Chris: Chris’s practice totally confirms what I knew last week – that he was sooooo wearing eyeliner (bottom lids!! Yikes!!) during his performance last week. I love how Rod Stewart gives everyone a hug.
Chris’ outfit is hot. So is his lack of makeup…I prefer him very au natural (Thank you Ryan for pointing that out!)- do you hear that Fox stylists??? I think his performance was totally awesome. He is definitely the best one on this show. Whoa, hello Paula Abdul’s cleavage. Put it away!!
- Paris: I think I would like extensions like Paris’ extensions – totally. I think this is totally Paris’ type of song- this is the best she’s ever sounded. I also like her fake eyelashes and fear I might have to try that out myself. I really liked Paris tonight, for the first time in a while.
- Taylor: I think Taylor really needs to knock it out of the park tonight if he wants to stay in it- those are two tough acts to follow. Oooh Taylor, tres smooth! What an ending!!! Yay Taylor!!!!!!!!! What did the Idols do this weekend? Let’s bring back Rod Stewart every week!! God Paula’s boobs are like ON THE TABLE. Thank you camera for cutting away. Wow Simon is totally on drugs tonight! Love it!
(something I just thought of- Ace is going to suck it up dude….)
- Elliot: Ahh my favorite contestant! So excited to see what he might do. Ahh he drops the bomb that his mom was a singer back in the day- now things make sense! OH WOW! LOVE THE OUTFIT!!!! Elliot is smiling more, and snapping a lot...which I love but think America will hate. I’m afraid I must agree with Simon’s assessment, despite the protests of others.
- Kellie: She looks cute, but I think I finally figured out what bothers me about her delivery- she doesn’t move her arms at all! They’ve stayed by her side the whole time and I think if you look back at other weeks, it’s the same thing, except when she does the whole point-and-drop-to-her-knees move. Ehh, I think Kellie could have done something awesome at the end there, but she didn’t. Weird…..At least she handled it with humor and grace.
(oh and here we go)….
- Ace: Whoa, hair slicked back, did I see? Ace’s eyes are two different sizes. Hmmm, hair don’t know…don’t know. I’m thinking NO. Not bad, but I think I just fell asleep for a second. Ok he pulled out of the weird stare which was good, I was scared for a second. Ace has no idea what he wants to be, and this is going to be a problem. It’s already a problem for me.
- Katherine: Oh I like her hair! Maybe I should grow mine long again so I can do something like that. I’ve done my makeup like that before too, which is probably only awesome to me, but worth noting. She has the eyelashes on too, which totally confirms I must get them. That was really good….the song, as well as the hair and makeup.
Hmm I have no idea who I’m going to vote for to be in the bottom three, this is going to be hard…very, very hard.
Tuesday, April 18, 2006
Tuesday, April 11, 2006
Celebrity Spotting with Lia
Colin Farrell
The first rule of celebrity spotting- if you think that person looks just like (insert celebrity here) take a second look. I happen to be a CHAMPION celebrity spotter. I have seen Angelina Jolie, Gwen Stefani, Julia Styles, Michael Keaton and several others simply because I say hey that looks just like so and so! And lo and behold it is.
Today I add Colin Farrell to this list. I was walking toward my apartment and he was walking away. I said to myself, I actually said it to the person I was on the phone with, “Hey, that looks like Colin Farrell!” and then I looked again and it was. He looked at me too! Yay! This brings the number of celebrities I have made eye contact with to four:
Colin Farrell, Andre 3000 of Outkast, Spliff Star of of the Flip Mode Squad…and my beloved Craig David.
Immediate things I noticed:
- Jean jacket with jeans – big no, no.
- Really big eyes.
- Not very tall.
- Gray hair. Dyed for a part? Product of rough living? To be debated.
Never the less, very exciting.
Bill and Melinda Gates
One of the things I like most about the Gates is that they really seem to care. The Gates Foundation supports, oh I don’t know, one million different charities, and yet they keep such a low profile that you would never know. Oprah is a good philanthropist as well, but she talks about her good works so damn much. That’s not to say that if Bill Gates had his own show he wouldn’t talk about himself…but I digress.
On today’s Oprah, I watched America’s Silent Epidemic…and blah blah. Long story short, Bill and Melinda Gates rule!
Sisqo
Just a question…whatever happened to Sisqo?
Real Time Thoughts on American Idol
Bucky – Hmm. Okay not bad.
Ace- Were you seriously trying to tell Queen how to arrange We Will Rock You? Seriously?? ….Seriously?
Kelly Pickler – Okay Kelly..Okay, I finally liked you tonight!
Chris – A little heavy on the make-up tonight, were you wearing eyeliner? No matter. Not sure about the song, but I will still have your children if you asked me to. Love the tight T-shirt…LOVE it.
Kathryn McPhee – Definitely the best voice in the competition. Great choice of song. Think Simon got it just right.
Elliott – Love him. E-Double-L? Heart it! Okay I take back what I said about Kathryn. Elliott has the best voice. Can the back up singers quiet down a bit? I got goosebumps at the end! Love Elliott! Will Simon call this a moment?
Taylor – Good choice of song! This is Queen’s song? Weird. I love the dance moves but wish Paula would just sit down. Old Taylor is back –I Love It!
Paris – Damn, Paris you look good tonight! You should always wear extensions. I don’t get how that voice comes out of that body sometimes. I wish you wouldn’t do that ridiculous head-banging thing...kind of ruined it. Overall, started stronger then you finished, but I liked it.
The first rule of celebrity spotting- if you think that person looks just like (insert celebrity here) take a second look. I happen to be a CHAMPION celebrity spotter. I have seen Angelina Jolie, Gwen Stefani, Julia Styles, Michael Keaton and several others simply because I say hey that looks just like so and so! And lo and behold it is.
Today I add Colin Farrell to this list. I was walking toward my apartment and he was walking away. I said to myself, I actually said it to the person I was on the phone with, “Hey, that looks like Colin Farrell!” and then I looked again and it was. He looked at me too! Yay! This brings the number of celebrities I have made eye contact with to four:
Colin Farrell, Andre 3000 of Outkast, Spliff Star of of the Flip Mode Squad…and my beloved Craig David.
Immediate things I noticed:
- Jean jacket with jeans – big no, no.
- Really big eyes.
- Not very tall.
- Gray hair. Dyed for a part? Product of rough living? To be debated.
Never the less, very exciting.
Bill and Melinda Gates
One of the things I like most about the Gates is that they really seem to care. The Gates Foundation supports, oh I don’t know, one million different charities, and yet they keep such a low profile that you would never know. Oprah is a good philanthropist as well, but she talks about her good works so damn much. That’s not to say that if Bill Gates had his own show he wouldn’t talk about himself…but I digress.
On today’s Oprah, I watched America’s Silent Epidemic…and blah blah. Long story short, Bill and Melinda Gates rule!
Sisqo
Just a question…whatever happened to Sisqo?
Real Time Thoughts on American Idol
Bucky – Hmm. Okay not bad.
Ace- Were you seriously trying to tell Queen how to arrange We Will Rock You? Seriously?? ….Seriously?
Kelly Pickler – Okay Kelly..Okay, I finally liked you tonight!
Chris – A little heavy on the make-up tonight, were you wearing eyeliner? No matter. Not sure about the song, but I will still have your children if you asked me to. Love the tight T-shirt…LOVE it.
Kathryn McPhee – Definitely the best voice in the competition. Great choice of song. Think Simon got it just right.
Elliott – Love him. E-Double-L? Heart it! Okay I take back what I said about Kathryn. Elliott has the best voice. Can the back up singers quiet down a bit? I got goosebumps at the end! Love Elliott! Will Simon call this a moment?
Taylor – Good choice of song! This is Queen’s song? Weird. I love the dance moves but wish Paula would just sit down. Old Taylor is back –I Love It!
Paris – Damn, Paris you look good tonight! You should always wear extensions. I don’t get how that voice comes out of that body sometimes. I wish you wouldn’t do that ridiculous head-banging thing...kind of ruined it. Overall, started stronger then you finished, but I liked it.
Sunday, April 09, 2006
Posh Spice and My Imaginary Gym Boyfriend
By popular demand, more on the chronicles of me and my imaginary gym boyfriend.
So today while going hard core on the elliptical I spied my imaginary gym boyfriend walking with his possible real-world girlfriend. Why did I spy him? I’m glad you ask. Because he was walking past the gym window looking directly at ME. That’s right, I’m not the only one who does some covert staring. The problem was he was with a rather tall, pretty girl and they were walking rather close. This was not the girlfriend I thought he may have. I once saw him with a short, less-attractive girlfriend one morning when I stopped at the bank on my way to work. The exchange I saw made me happy:
Gym Boyfriend: I don’t want to talk about it right now!
Possible Real World Girlfriend: Don’t say anything!!!!
Gym Boyfriend: ANYTHING!!!!!
I had to keep from screaming out loud, DUMP HER AND LOVE ME INSTEAD! But instead I just pretended like the Sean Paul song pounding in my iPod was the most interesting thing I’d ever heard and me and my boots walked right on by.
Only today on the elliptical, when we made eye contact through the window, the girl who was next to him was NOT this girl and my first impression of her was “Jesus Christ she looks just like Posh Spice from the side….except, a lower-class Staten Island version.”
This is bad for two reasons:
1.) If his taste is Staten Island Barbie doll…I’m afraid that he will not heart me. Now if you are from Staten Island please don’t take offense, you know who the less-classy of you are out there. And people who heart Staten Island Barbie's do not go for me. It's a fact of life, and I've made my peace with it. Quite frankly, I don't go for guys who like those girls, though for my gym boyfriend, I'd make an exception.
2.) It means his girlfriend, even by SI standards, is attractive. The girl who I saw was not particularly attractive, I did not get a close look. Anyways, my job as possible-girlfriend stealer gets increasingly harder the more attractive the girlfriend is. Ahh dilemmas.
Anyways, again, this is all something I have made up in my head, not real, imaginary. It just goes to show how much I have to do to get through my workouts. Insert sad face here.
American Inventor
This show is actually really good! I had all the episodes saved because I didn’t really feel like watching, but this Saturday, which I spent from the comfort of my bed, I decided to watch it (20 straight episodes of Forensic Files will do that to you) and I was pleasantly surprised that it was really, really good! Hooray! Another show to add to my ever-growing list of must watches.
Yo Momma
Another show that I was somewhat unsure about when I heard it what it was about. I was skeptical about Wilmer Valderamma and quite frankly, yo mama jokes are so 1992. However it is pretty funny I must say, as is Wilmer. My favorite joke so far:
“Yo mama is so skinny, she does pull-ups on a staple.”
Hahahahahaha.
So today while going hard core on the elliptical I spied my imaginary gym boyfriend walking with his possible real-world girlfriend. Why did I spy him? I’m glad you ask. Because he was walking past the gym window looking directly at ME. That’s right, I’m not the only one who does some covert staring. The problem was he was with a rather tall, pretty girl and they were walking rather close. This was not the girlfriend I thought he may have. I once saw him with a short, less-attractive girlfriend one morning when I stopped at the bank on my way to work. The exchange I saw made me happy:
Gym Boyfriend: I don’t want to talk about it right now!
Possible Real World Girlfriend: Don’t say anything!!!!
Gym Boyfriend: ANYTHING!!!!!
I had to keep from screaming out loud, DUMP HER AND LOVE ME INSTEAD! But instead I just pretended like the Sean Paul song pounding in my iPod was the most interesting thing I’d ever heard and me and my boots walked right on by.
Only today on the elliptical, when we made eye contact through the window, the girl who was next to him was NOT this girl and my first impression of her was “Jesus Christ she looks just like Posh Spice from the side….except, a lower-class Staten Island version.”
This is bad for two reasons:
1.) If his taste is Staten Island Barbie doll…I’m afraid that he will not heart me. Now if you are from Staten Island please don’t take offense, you know who the less-classy of you are out there. And people who heart Staten Island Barbie's do not go for me. It's a fact of life, and I've made my peace with it. Quite frankly, I don't go for guys who like those girls, though for my gym boyfriend, I'd make an exception.
2.) It means his girlfriend, even by SI standards, is attractive. The girl who I saw was not particularly attractive, I did not get a close look. Anyways, my job as possible-girlfriend stealer gets increasingly harder the more attractive the girlfriend is. Ahh dilemmas.
Anyways, again, this is all something I have made up in my head, not real, imaginary. It just goes to show how much I have to do to get through my workouts. Insert sad face here.
American Inventor
This show is actually really good! I had all the episodes saved because I didn’t really feel like watching, but this Saturday, which I spent from the comfort of my bed, I decided to watch it (20 straight episodes of Forensic Files will do that to you) and I was pleasantly surprised that it was really, really good! Hooray! Another show to add to my ever-growing list of must watches.
Yo Momma
Another show that I was somewhat unsure about when I heard it what it was about. I was skeptical about Wilmer Valderamma and quite frankly, yo mama jokes are so 1992. However it is pretty funny I must say, as is Wilmer. My favorite joke so far:
“Yo mama is so skinny, she does pull-ups on a staple.”
Hahahahahaha.
Wednesday, April 05, 2006
Fourteen Hour Day Thoughts
Buh-Bye
In the name of Jesus, see you later Mandisa. Everyone in the New York office knows that I was not a fan, and in our American Idol pool each week, I correctly predicted she’d be voted off. Yes she can sing, but she’s not (insert affected English accent right here) “just not right for this competition.” Two reasons for this:
A.) As mentioned by Kate yesterday, Mandisa needs to add her last name to her stage name. She is not at one-name status yet.
B.) Let’s face it, she’ll go on and have a great career in gospel. And in six months to a year’s time she’ll be saying she’s happy she didn’t win because it opened up so many doors for her, blah blah blah.
Amen.
And I do just have to give a What! What! And a Hallelujah for TiVo, because even though I had a 14 hour day today, I came home and was able to speed through American Idol in 15 minutes and Unan1mous in 20.
And speaking of Unan1mous…
A HoButchCooKoo
I've said it before and I'll say it again, Unan1mous is one F*ed up show and I love it. So many twists and turn you can't keep up!
I also love it because I'm getting a bunch of great new sayings. For example:
A HobutchCooKoo
Translation: A Whole Bunch Cookoo. Translation: Real Damn Crazy. This is how Steve described Richard early in tonight's episode. I think I’m going to start applying this term to people I see on the street and crazy people I meet during the day.
Steve also used the term Crazy As a Craphouse Rat…which I think I could also potentially use in the very near future.
Another reason why I love this show is because Jonathan is incredibly hot. He wears wife beaters most of the time, and that makes me happy when he is onscreen. It also reminds me that I need to start dating real people, rather than figure out how I’m going to meet people on television and have their unborn children.
Which Leads Me To…
Famous People I Wouldn’t Mind Marrying and Procreating With…
- Chris Daughtry
- Josh Duhamel
- Jonathan from Unan1mous
- Orlando Bloom
- Ben Affleck
- My Gym Boyfriend (he owns the gym, I stare at him covertly when I work out and with whom I’ve yet to make actual eye contact with…Ok we have made eye contact but we’ve not yet had a “real” conversation…Ok we did have a real conversation once when I pretended to lose my keys in order to start a conversation and test the water, and during which he did not appear to take the bait. To be continued.)
- Craig David
I’m sure I’m missing quite a few but this was all I could think of for the time being.
In the name of Jesus, see you later Mandisa. Everyone in the New York office knows that I was not a fan, and in our American Idol pool each week, I correctly predicted she’d be voted off. Yes she can sing, but she’s not (insert affected English accent right here) “just not right for this competition.” Two reasons for this:
A.) As mentioned by Kate yesterday, Mandisa needs to add her last name to her stage name. She is not at one-name status yet.
B.) Let’s face it, she’ll go on and have a great career in gospel. And in six months to a year’s time she’ll be saying she’s happy she didn’t win because it opened up so many doors for her, blah blah blah.
Amen.
And I do just have to give a What! What! And a Hallelujah for TiVo, because even though I had a 14 hour day today, I came home and was able to speed through American Idol in 15 minutes and Unan1mous in 20.
And speaking of Unan1mous…
A HoButchCooKoo
I've said it before and I'll say it again, Unan1mous is one F*ed up show and I love it. So many twists and turn you can't keep up!
I also love it because I'm getting a bunch of great new sayings. For example:
A HobutchCooKoo
Translation: A Whole Bunch Cookoo. Translation: Real Damn Crazy. This is how Steve described Richard early in tonight's episode. I think I’m going to start applying this term to people I see on the street and crazy people I meet during the day.
Steve also used the term Crazy As a Craphouse Rat…which I think I could also potentially use in the very near future.
Another reason why I love this show is because Jonathan is incredibly hot. He wears wife beaters most of the time, and that makes me happy when he is onscreen. It also reminds me that I need to start dating real people, rather than figure out how I’m going to meet people on television and have their unborn children.
Which Leads Me To…
Famous People I Wouldn’t Mind Marrying and Procreating With…
- Chris Daughtry
- Josh Duhamel
- Jonathan from Unan1mous
- Orlando Bloom
- Ben Affleck
- My Gym Boyfriend (he owns the gym, I stare at him covertly when I work out and with whom I’ve yet to make actual eye contact with…Ok we have made eye contact but we’ve not yet had a “real” conversation…Ok we did have a real conversation once when I pretended to lose my keys in order to start a conversation and test the water, and during which he did not appear to take the bait. To be continued.)
- Craig David
I’m sure I’m missing quite a few but this was all I could think of for the time being.
Tuesday, April 04, 2006
Rough Day, Idol Night
K-Rodg
Dear Kenny Rogers,
Please stay away from Botox!!! Stay away! Only your mouth moves- this does not make you look younger, it makes you look weird. Go talk to Priscilla Presley, you’ll see what I mean.
Love,
Lia
I’ve never really liked Kenny Rogers, I think he is corny. The only songs I ever liked of his is Islands in the Stream, and that’s only because Dolly Parton is involved.
I do love Kenny Roger’s Roasters though. If Kenny Rogers just made cornbread and chicken, not music, then I’d like him a whole lot more.
I Quit Chicken Fingers
So last night the Gators won the NCAA Championship, but I lost my will to drink only Sprite during the game. Within minutes of getting my seat, I succumbed to peer pressure and ordered beer. Two pitchers later, the Gators were National Champions and I was a champion too… until I woke up this morning. Pretty rough. But worth it.
I remember most of the evening, especially that there was a rather unflattering photo of me eating a chicken finger, the second such photo in as many months. I think I’m quitting chicken fingers. Not the beer that makes me eat them like a maniac, just the chicken.
Dear Kenny Rogers,
Please stay away from Botox!!! Stay away! Only your mouth moves- this does not make you look younger, it makes you look weird. Go talk to Priscilla Presley, you’ll see what I mean.
Love,
Lia
I’ve never really liked Kenny Rogers, I think he is corny. The only songs I ever liked of his is Islands in the Stream, and that’s only because Dolly Parton is involved.
I do love Kenny Roger’s Roasters though. If Kenny Rogers just made cornbread and chicken, not music, then I’d like him a whole lot more.
I Quit Chicken Fingers
So last night the Gators won the NCAA Championship, but I lost my will to drink only Sprite during the game. Within minutes of getting my seat, I succumbed to peer pressure and ordered beer. Two pitchers later, the Gators were National Champions and I was a champion too… until I woke up this morning. Pretty rough. But worth it.
I remember most of the evening, especially that there was a rather unflattering photo of me eating a chicken finger, the second such photo in as many months. I think I’m quitting chicken fingers. Not the beer that makes me eat them like a maniac, just the chicken.
Sunday, April 02, 2006
Crackhead Love
I should be cleaning my apartment, I should be putting together the paperwork for my taxes…instead I’m watching the E! True Hollywood Story on Bobby and Whitney. As I watch this ridiculous story, I just can’t believe we (and by “we” I mean “me”) continue to be fascinated by these two. And by “fascinated” I mean, “can’t turn away.” Part of me commends them for staying together for so long…in an age of divorce I suppose this is good. Another part of me, the larger part, just asks “Why?” I suppose it’s just as well. Crackhead love will always be interesting- especially when said crackheads are multimillionaires and public figures. LOVE IT!
On another note, why is poor Bobbi Christina so fugly? Poor little thing! Bobby and Whitney are not ugly crackheads…I’m confused as to how their offspring can be so unattractive. Hopefully she can sing…it would just be unfair otherwise.
The Gators Owe Me $40
The Gators are in the NCAA Finals, which means I stand to inherit the $105 from the CRT/tanaka Charlie Domalik Invitational. Everyone laughed at me when I had Florida in the finals – WHO’S LAUGHING NOW KIDS?? $105! It would be nice to win because I paid $40 to get into some bar last night, foolishly believing I could take advantage of the “All You Can Drink” open bar, until I realized that drinking all that I could would more than likely mean imminent death. Nicole and I had started our night at 5 p.m. in honor of the Final Four. We got to the open bar around 11:15…you can do the math. Despite the odds we took our best shot. Literally. I had two SoCo and Lime shots before I realized without some water, I’d be in deep trouble. So I made the switch. It was a wasted $40. So the Gators should win and let me recoup my losses. And give me something to flaunt in all my Gator-hating friends’ faces for the next couple of months.
So noTORIous
Can’t wait for this tonight! I must see what all the fuss is about!
On another note, why is poor Bobbi Christina so fugly? Poor little thing! Bobby and Whitney are not ugly crackheads…I’m confused as to how their offspring can be so unattractive. Hopefully she can sing…it would just be unfair otherwise.
The Gators Owe Me $40
The Gators are in the NCAA Finals, which means I stand to inherit the $105 from the CRT/tanaka Charlie Domalik Invitational. Everyone laughed at me when I had Florida in the finals – WHO’S LAUGHING NOW KIDS?? $105! It would be nice to win because I paid $40 to get into some bar last night, foolishly believing I could take advantage of the “All You Can Drink” open bar, until I realized that drinking all that I could would more than likely mean imminent death. Nicole and I had started our night at 5 p.m. in honor of the Final Four. We got to the open bar around 11:15…you can do the math. Despite the odds we took our best shot. Literally. I had two SoCo and Lime shots before I realized without some water, I’d be in deep trouble. So I made the switch. It was a wasted $40. So the Gators should win and let me recoup my losses. And give me something to flaunt in all my Gator-hating friends’ faces for the next couple of months.
So noTORIous
Can’t wait for this tonight! I must see what all the fuss is about!
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