A New McWigger Story

..after a story about grocery store freaks.

Veggie-Tales

Although I’m not technically making it a New Year’s resolution, one of the things I’d like to do in 2007 is cook at home more. Despite the fact that I always thought I was a really bad cook, I am, in fact, a pretty decent one, and would like to do practice. So last night, I opened up the Rachel Ray cookbook my sister bought me last Christmas (and up until yesterday had not been opened) and found a soup recipe that looked good.

I wrote down the ingredients and headed off to the grocery store to buy everything and upon arriving promptly had my eyes rest on the cucumbers and remembered an dirty joke my mom told me on Christmas Eve. I was peeling cucumbers for the salad and remarked how really obscene looking cucumbers were. I’m not quite sure why I wondered that out loud, and in front of my mom, but then my mom said well you know what they say, if cucumbers could take out the garbage, what would we need men for? I guess the apple doesn’t fall too far after all.

Anyways, so I see the cucumbers, and have to work really hard not to laugh out loud and set off to find everything. I had everything together before I noticed that you needed rosemary. The grocery store did not have the various spices labeled and between the dill, thyme, mint, cilantro, parsley, basil, etc. I had NO idea which one rosemary was. I stared for a few minutes trying to figure it out and then I did the next best thing – I started picking each one up and sniffing it. About five sniffs later, they all smelled the same, so I turned to the lady next to me and said:

“This is going to sound really dumb, but do you know which one rosemary is?”

I got a blank stare. And then she gave this really creepy and maniacal laugh. I was a bit confused to say the least, so I tried again. I thought maybe she did not speak English and could have been a bit confused.

So, I pointed to the spices and go – “rosemary?”

Blank stare. No laugh.

So, I went back to English and said “Umm I don’t cook a whole lot…do you know which one is rosemary?”

And then she just goes No. Like I was the crazy one. I mean, I guess it is possible she caught me sniffing all the spices like I was trying to get high from them. I don’t know.
But I just turned around, cause clearly this lady is a freak regardless of what she thinks of me, and I spy a little pre-packaged clump of rosemary, which I bought and the soup came out delicious.

McWigger
It was bound to happen I guess. So, after the grocery store adventure, I went home and put all the groceries away, changed and headed out to the gym. I wasn’t feeling too hot, but my iPod came back to life, so I did my 2 miles on the treadmill even though I felt like lead and went downstairs to stretch it out.

I’m right in the middle of stretching when I see McWigger coming down the stairs with his friend Hockey Scout (one of the coffee shop crew of guys was this guy who is a scout for the Devils. He’s nice, but he’s friends with McWigger, therefore, he’s a douche-by-association in my book). Anyways, I have no idea what they are doing there since McWigger went on and on and on during our “date” about his workout routine in the morning (and this was about 6 p.m. at night) at New York Sports Clubs. He gave me the entire rundown of his fitness routine and made it very clear that although he was really good friends with Original Gym Boyfriend (also the gym’s owner) that the gym didn’t have everything to fit his needs, even though he could go for NOTHING! Which didn’t surprise me because McWigger enjoyed spending money, he told the price of everything he had bought the entire month before our “date” as well as the price of his outfit! That detail may not be known to some of you.

Anyways, so here they are in MY gym coming down the stairs! I’m like Jesus H. Christ don’t tell me they are going to start working out here now. So McWigger spies me and gives me like a finger point and I just kind of moved my mouth to the corner in a half smile/grimace and then looked down and kept stretching.

I move onto situps, which weren’t easy because a.) I haven’t worked out in two weeks and b.) I have a cold … so I’m taking a number of breaks. McWigger and his friend were using the bench press right in front of me so it was really difficult not to look their way if I had my head up at all. At one point, I do catch his eye and he gives me like a hurry up signal and I respond with a very exaggerated hacking cough that I’m sure was super attractive. And then I just go I’m sick and put my head back down. But for the most part, McWigger was not looking at me at all and was ignoring me too! Thank God! Maybe he has gotten the hint!

I needed a weight to finish the last part of my situps and on my way to get it, McWigger pretends to go and trip me as I walk by. I step right over him and get the weight, go the long way back to my mat. By now, McWigger and his friend have moved on to another part of the gym and I’m free to look wherever I please. I finish my workout and leave without further incident.

The good news is, I’d actually rather be on these semi-acknowledgement and then ignore terms with McWigger than having to avoid him all together since clearly we’re going to run into one another from time to time. So long as he’s not yelling to embarrass me – and actually just embarrassing himself – I think we’ll be fine. Like I’ve said before, he’s totally emotionally-stunted and an assclown, but he’s not dangerous or anything. The bad news is, I do NOT want to see McWigger in the gym with anything resembling regularity. His laugh goes right under my skin and he’s one of those annoying guys who is like always laughing at his own jokes and at everything everyone says.

I guess the test will be if they are in the gym today or if this was a one-time incident. Please pray for me.