New Britney...

So, we just listened to the new Britney song, "Gimme More," and the three of us here in the office agree...we LOVE it. I mean, I still hate her...but dammmit if that girl can't make some good-ass pop music!

Check out perez if you want to hear for yourself. We prefer the T.I. version!

I Plan to Be Pretentious

This Saturday, GC and I have plans to attend the US Open. Giancarlo will be wearing a seersucker suit, as this is the only time of year he can do so. I play to coordinate in a similarly Hamptons-like outfit, all white...natch.

I know it's not much, but these are the types of plans that make me happy on a Thursday afternoon, when the weekend is oh so close.

I think smooches would be an appropriate sign-off. Smooches!

Cha-Cha-Changes!

So..just as I brought the blog back from dead, it turns out some major life changes happened at the same time.

The very long story made very short, is that I’ve come to the decision to try living alone! I think it’s the right time in my life (thank you Lexapro!) and I’m really excited. When I was looking at my first two apartments earlier this week, I was mentally decorating in my head and picking out color schemes – and I realized that I was truly having fun. So that’s how I know it’s okay. Plus, I come from a family of five, I’ve never lived with fewer than 2 other people, and most of the time it has been 3 others…it will be an interesting experiment for myself to come home to a place that is all my own.

So right now I’m looking all over NYC, but also Astoria and the nicer parts of Brooklyn. I’ll definitely get more space and bang for my buck out in the boroughs…which is awesome, but it will be sad to not be a true city girl. It’s so the Sex and the City episode, when Miranda moves to Brooklyn and Carrie is horrified. I totally get it now. The mystique/allure of living in the city is a hard one to pull away from. But then you view an apartment for $1,450 a month that’s 250 square feet and you come right back down to Earth.

Stay tuned – I’m going to start posting the photos of the NYC crapholes that rent for thousands of dollars every month! It’s crazy!

Sad but True

So the official organization for my profession recently released a list of speakers and panel experts taking part in the upcoming annual convention.

Having been around the block a time or five now, I recognized many of the company presidents and vice presidents lined up to talk.

As I went down the list, my thought process went a little something like this:
- crazy
- ha! What is she doing there
- never sees her kids
- heard she’s a psycho
- I know him, he’s cool
- Yikes! Who would want to work for her
- I did work for her, she’s a nutcase!
- I heard he’s nice

Two things made me sad about that. One, was that it was all true. Second, was that out of the list, I found the men to be the only ones considered sane. I started to wonder why that was. Are new york women especially crazy (yes)…is it the pressure of this industry and the city that makes them that way (probably)…is it trying to balance the demands of a successful professional career with a fulfilling personal life as a female (definitely)…do men have it easier in both those areas (absolutely)…and so on.

I offer no answers. I have no solutions. In ten years time, given that I’m already on anxiety medication now (future post that I haven’t gotten around to yet), who knows what I will be like when there’s a possible kid or two at home. Maybe I’ll be there too. Maybe I won’t. Maybe I’ll live some kind of life in the middle. I don’t know what’s going to happen tomorrow, so I’m not going to bother with years down the line…but it was interesting and sad at the same time.

I'm a Video Game Nerd...Who Knew?!

So, if there is one thing I have learned from dating a video game expert, it’s that I missed the video games of my youth. I forgot just how much I loved Jaws and Tetris, Klax and Super Mario Brothers.

The good news is, I’m obsessed just like I was in second grade! Between Wii and Guitar Hero, it’s hard to keep myself focused sometimes.

But I’ve found a mini, pocket-sized obsession that helps curb the cravings – the Nintendo DS, a portable gaming system that includes a little IQ game I can’t get enough of called Brain Age.

The best part about Brain Age is that when you first take it (5 mini games that test your Memory, Analyze, Compute, Identify and Think skills) you see where you’re strengths lie – for me it was in memorization and computing – which is not surprising if you know me at all. Thinking and Analyzing – not really my thing!

But then you can practice to increase your skills in each category until you learn to be sharper and faster. I’m happy to report that about 3 weeks later, I’m not just about even in all areas – basically I’m an f*ng genius!

But seriously if you want to prevent Alzheimer’s and just get sick of Su Do Ku sometimes, pick up a Nintendo DS. And if you are really serious, get Guitar Hero, because it’s the best game ever made.

No big deal, but our band name is The Eyetalians, and our debut album “Ready…Set…Dago!” should be in stores once I master Free Bird on Medium.

R. Kelly and Transvestites! Not Together

R. Kelly Should Just Disappear

On my way to work this morning, I saw a number of R. Kelly “Trapped in the Closet” door hangers all over the ground. While I was grateful they were actually on the ground and being walked all over, I couldn’t help but wonder if anyone really cares about R. Kelly’s new video. Does anyone still like R. Kelly? Does anyone think this ridiculous “Trapped in the Closet” series is interesting or anything more than R. Kelly further diving into the deep end? I’m officially adding R. Kelly to my list of “people I don’t give a flying f*** about.”

Friday Night …Transvestites!

After another awesome Death by Roo Roo Show at the UCB, GC and I decided we wanted to play Guitar Hero…again. So we loaded up on some Sparks and beer, just like real rock stars would, at a bodega near the theater.

While inside, we both immediately noticed an attractive, older woman with amazing legs looking through the alcohol section. She was noticeable because she had gray hair and glasses, but was in a silver mini-dress that just screamed LOOK AT ME!

We had already drank two beers each, so we were feeling like we should say something, when her friend came over with a bottle of Voss water and remarked how it would make an excellent dildo. I think the surprise that registered on both our faces was blatant, because silver mini dress looked over at us and said to her friend something about how she had a number of ideas on how she could make that happen.

I don’t remember exactly how we got to talking to her, but we got to talking to Silver Mini Dress who turned out to be SO NICE. She was an in-transition transsexual, named Jasmine, in the process of becoming a woman. She was going to be part of a documentary called “There Are No Mistakes,” and was also working on getting her own talk show. We also discussed her tattoo idea, which would be to inject colored silicon under your skin so that you could push it into different shapes every day, and have a new tattoo whenever you wanted. All of this information came out in approximately 3-4 minutes.

And then we proceeded to play Guitar Hero until 6:30 a.m., me on bass, GC on lead. Improv Comedy, Transvestites and Video Games and a sunrise bed time – perfect Friday night!

The Ten...and McWigger!

The Ten

I didn’t hear much in the way of previews for this movie, which is a shame because it’s Nick-Cannon hilllllarious (am I right, Chappelle fans?) Before you go watch it in the movie theater, which you should, first check out the trailer at: http://www.apple.com/trailers/thinkfilm/theten/.

If you don’t think that’s funny, then don’t go see the movie. But if you are mildly amused, go see the movie.

But don’t go see the movie if you aren’t willing to do the following:

1.) Make fun of the bible
2.) Laugh at rape jokes
3.) Obsess over how funny Paul Rudd is

If you can do the above, go see the movie.

McWigger Run-In!

I don’t know how he does it…but he always manages to pop up when I’m by myself.

I had no cash this morning, so I had to stop at McWigger’s coffee shop because you can use your debit card there. Of course, the last five times I have gone, I’ve been with someone and he is no where to be found. The very first time I go alone, he’s sitting at the counter talking to Hockey Scout.

I noticed them at the counter, but I decided to pretend to be in a pre-coffee morning daze. However, when adding milk and sugar to my heroin substitute, I caught sight of a dog wearing a rain jacket. I had to look up and check it out further, and while doing so, I made eye contact with Hockey Scout. He waved and I said what’s up, which prompted McWigger to turn around. Deciding to be cordial, I said “What’s going on, long time, no see.” To which he replied, “How have you been?” I replied, “Oh you know, just working. Same old, same old.” And he replied, “Well, it could be worse.”

And then I screamed, “Go FUCK yourself!”

No, just kidding, I didn’t say that. I just said, “Yeah you’re right. See you all later.” And then I left.

All in all, a pleasant exchange. It seems so long ago that I was getting stabbed with my own pen while trying to do the Soduku puzzle in peace and getting change thrown at my head, and let’s not forget getting yelled at in the bank, but I guess it was only a year ago.

For all those who may not be familiar with the McWigger Chronicles, go to the homepage of my blog at www.lialand.blogspot.com, and go back in the archives to this time last year. You’ll be equally horrified and amused.

I'm Back...and Think Obama May Be Behind in the Polls

(Cue music. “Try Again” by Aaliyah and Timbaland.)

It’s been a long time, I shouldn’ta left you…(left you) … without a dope blog to read to. Read to …Read to Readto….and you get the point.

I’ve taken a long hiatus from blogging. I sit at a computer the better part of 9 hours Monday through Friday. I sent out roughly 75 – 100 professional emails every day (in addition to 10 or so personal, and Gmail chatting)…so you can imagine that the last thing I want to do at the end of every day is go home and type some more.

But…since I find myself writing blogs in my head all the time, I figured I should get back on the horse…whereas the horse is a keyboard…but I’m not physically on the keyboard or anything, but my fingers are. And I’m typing and not actually riding my computer, or anything like that. Just regular typing.

Anywho, the point is, I see and hear too many funny things to not be blogging. Really, I’m doing it for you people! And even though the book is still something I want to write, it’s kind of right now in a holding pattern that I’m hoping will spring to life if I’m blogging again. (I’m still counting on your financial backing, Kaplan.)

So to begin again, I think I’ll start with a story that combines good old New York City racism with the elderly population that lives in my community.

My story begins last Saturday. It was a warm and sunny 125 degrees, and GC and I were in the midst of freeing him from C.U.N.T. (Claudia’s UpperWestSide Neighborhood Territory. Get your minds out of the gutter!) Walking, ever so slowly and delicately in front of us, was a little old East Village woman.

For those of you who may need clarification, old East Village women tend to clothe themselves in house dresses, complete with mis-matched socks AND slippers, handkerchiefs firmly in places on their hair, Eastern European lineage firmly asserted via glaring looks and body posture.

Walking next to her was the typical East Village girl.

For those of you who need clarification on her, she’s about 5’9” and if her hair is brushed, it’s probably somewhat frizzy. Her sunglasses are large and she’s probably wearing the same (or a similar) house dress as the old East Village woman, but she bought hers at a “vintage” store and paid $300 for it. She also probably has on slouchy socks and ankle boots.


So..our cast of characters complete, GC and I walking and talking behind them…when out of nowhere, our characters interact.

The little old woman stops, spins and turns to the hipster, grabs her by the arm and asks, “ARE YOU GOING TO VOTE!?”

The hipster turns, broken out of her iPod/emo revelry says, “What?”

The old woman, looking annoyed, repeats, “I SAID…ARE YOU GOING TO VOTE?”

The hipster replys, “Um, yes I think so.”

The old woman yells, “GOOD! BUT DON’T VOTE FOR THE BLACK ONE!”

I thought GC’s head was going to snap off, the way he threw it back and laughed. It was totally absurd. I should also mention at this time, that the woman was very hunched over, and using a walker.

The hipster, annoyed to have been bothered with such trivial matters as our presidency, moves on without so much as batting an eye. GC, however, not so much.

Without missing a beat, he turns and asks the old woman, “Are you going to vote?”

And she looks at him completely blankly, like she didn’t just ask that question of someone else 10 seconds prior. She says, “Huh?”

And GC says. “Are you going to vote in the next presidential election?”

And her eyes get clear for one second and she exclaims, “Oh yes…!”

And he asks, “Who are you voting for?”

And she proclaims “Hilary Clinton!”

And he says, “Not the other Democrat?”

Her eyes got dark and she said, “No. We need a woman in the White House. The other one seems fresh.”

And then her eyes clouded over once more. And we turned to go. But, the little Eastern European woman is not voting for Barack Obama because he “seems fresh.” I wasn’t sure, but now I can firmly state, that racism is alive and well in the elderly, female Eastern European community of New York City.