Jack Bauer Rules!
If you liked the Chuck Norris facts, and you watch 24, you will love these. If you don't watch 24 you will still love these. Why? Because Jack Bauer said so.
PS- I do not write these myself. I don't have that kind of time. I think they are randomly generated "facts." However, if I do one day find out that a person wrote these, they will have my undying devotion. And quite possibly, my hand in marriage.
If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Nina twice.
If everyone on "24" followed Jack Bauer's instructions, it would be called "12".
Upon hearing that he was played by Kiefer Sutherland, Jack Bauer killed Sutherland. Jack Bauer gets played by no man.
Jack Bauers calender goes from March 31st to April 2nd. No one fools Jack Bauer.
If you wake up in the morning, it's because Jack Bauer spared your life.
All men are created equal. They are all vastly inferior to Jack Bauer.
Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.
Jack Bauer's house has an alarm system -- not to warn Jack of intruders, but to warn the intruders of Jack.
When Kim Bauer lost her virginity, Jack Bauer found it and put it back.
If it tastes like chicken, looks like chicken, and feels like chicken, but Jack Bauer says its beef. Then it's fucking beef.
Superman wears Jack Bauer pajamas.
When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. Jack Bauer fucking hates lemonade.
1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.
Tony was once shot in the neck, rushed to the hospital, underwent emergency surgery and was back on the job in just a few hours. Jack Bauer still can't believe that pussy went to the hospital first.
Lets get one thing straight, the only reason you are conscious right now is because Jack Bauer does not feel like carrying you.
Jack Bauer doesn't speak any foreign languages, but he can make any foreigner speak English in a matter of minutes.
Jack Bauer played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer.
Jack Bauer once won a game of Connect 4 in 3 moves.
It's no use crying over spilt milk... Unless that was Jack Bauer's milk. Oh you are so screwed.
Jack Bauer is the leading cause of death in Middle Eastern men.
Osama bin Laden's recent proposal for truce is a direct result of him finding out that Jack Bauer is, in fact, still alive.
Jack Bauer is the 'i' in team.
Jack Bauer doesn't miss. If he didn't hit you it's because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.
Nobody says 'hit me' when Jack Bauer deals Blackjack.
If Rosa Parks was in Jack Bauer's seat, she'd move to the back of the bus.
Killing Jack Bauer doesn't make him dead. It just makes him angry.
Every mathematical inequality officially ends with "< Jack Bauer".
When Google can't find something, it asks Jack Bauer for help.
Superman's only weakness is Kryptonite. Jack Bauer laughs at Superman for having a weakness.
If Jack Bauer misspells a word, your dictionary is wrong.
Simon Says should be renamed to Jack Bauer Says because if Jack Bauer says something then you better fucking do it.
Jack Bauer killed 93 people in just 4 days time. Wait, that is a real fact.
Jack Bauer's favorite color is severe terror alert red. His second favorite color is violet, but just because it sounds like violent.
Jack Bauer removed the "Escape" button from his keyboard. Jack Bauer never needs to escape.
Jack Bauer once double teamed a girl.. by himself.
On a high school math test, Jack Bauer put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because Jack Bauer solves all his problems with Violence.
When President Palmer quit to start doing Allstate commercials, it took him 43 takes before he could stop saying, "You're in good hands with Jack Bauer".
When you open a can of whoop-ass, Jack Bauer jumps out.
When Jack Bauer was a child, he made his mother finish his vegetables.
Jack Bauer's first job was as a waiter, he was fired soon after. Jack Bauer takes orders from no one.
In 96 hours, Jack Bauer has killed 93 people and saved the world 4 times. What the fuck have you done with your life?
Men are ok with their wives fantasizing about Jack Bauer during sex; because they are doing the same thing.
When the boogie man goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Jack Bauer.
Jesus died and rose from the dead in 3 days. It took Jack Bauer less than an hour. And he's done it twice.
In high school Jack Bauer was voted "Most Likely to Kill the Foreign Kid"... and "Best Eyes."
Jack Bauer doesn't play the game SORRY. Jack Bauer apologizes to no one.
Jack Bauer can get McDonald's breakfast after 10:30.
There are no such thing as lesbians, just women who never met Jack Bauer.
You can lead a horse to water. Jack Bauer can make him drink.
Jack Bauer knows Victoria's secret.
Jack Bauer got Hellen Keller to talk.
Sun Tzu once wrote, "If your enemy is weaker, conquer him. If he is stronger, join him. If he is Jack Bauer, you're fucking dead."
Guns dont kill people, Jack Bauer kills people.
There is the right way, the wrong way, and the Jack Bauer way. It's basically the right way but faster and more deaths.
If Jack Bauer was gay, his name would be Chuck Norris.
Finding Nemo would have been vastly more exciting had Jack Bauer been looking for him.
In kindergarten, Jack Bauer killed a terrorist for Show and Tell.
If you're holding a gun to Jack Bauer's head, don't count to three before you shoot. Count to 10. That way, you get to live 7 seconds longer.
What color is Jack Bauer's blood? Trick question. Jack Bauer does not bleed.
Monday, February 27, 2006
Sunday, February 26, 2006
I’ve Been a Bad, Bad Blogger
The above should be sung to the tune of “Criminal” by Fiona Apple. The first quarter of this year has really kicked my ass. Most specifically preparing for the housewares trade show in March. After March 14 I’m a free woman! I have never so looked forward to the end of a work project in my life! It’s truly hellish to prepare for this show! And getting back to being able to update this blog with some sort of regularity.
Billy Joel
I saw Billy Joel last night at Madison Square Garden and he rocked it out! I was so excited, in addition to being slightly tipsy, and so before long I was out of my chair, dancing and screaming the words. This morning, my voice was a little raspy meaning that my job as a concert-goer was well done. The highlight of the show was definitely him closing with Piano Man, which I once read he would never play in public again because he has sung it so many times he can’t do it with emotion. Sometimes, at concerts, I get so excited I actually begin to tear….it’s not something I’m proud of, but it’s what it is! I have to admit, I had to hold back the full-on sobbing of excitement to hear Billy Joel sing Piano Man in Madison Square Garden. It was almost too much joy for my little heart to bear.
Although I’m not an avid fan, next month I’m going to see Coldplay…which should be very cool.
Night
I’m onto book number four for the year, Night by Elie Wiesel. Since this is the only New Year’s resolution I am even remotely on track to keep, I’m just going to go with it.
The above should be sung to the tune of “Criminal” by Fiona Apple. The first quarter of this year has really kicked my ass. Most specifically preparing for the housewares trade show in March. After March 14 I’m a free woman! I have never so looked forward to the end of a work project in my life! It’s truly hellish to prepare for this show! And getting back to being able to update this blog with some sort of regularity.
Billy Joel
I saw Billy Joel last night at Madison Square Garden and he rocked it out! I was so excited, in addition to being slightly tipsy, and so before long I was out of my chair, dancing and screaming the words. This morning, my voice was a little raspy meaning that my job as a concert-goer was well done. The highlight of the show was definitely him closing with Piano Man, which I once read he would never play in public again because he has sung it so many times he can’t do it with emotion. Sometimes, at concerts, I get so excited I actually begin to tear….it’s not something I’m proud of, but it’s what it is! I have to admit, I had to hold back the full-on sobbing of excitement to hear Billy Joel sing Piano Man in Madison Square Garden. It was almost too much joy for my little heart to bear.
Although I’m not an avid fan, next month I’m going to see Coldplay…which should be very cool.
Night
I’m onto book number four for the year, Night by Elie Wiesel. Since this is the only New Year’s resolution I am even remotely on track to keep, I’m just going to go with it.
Wednesday, February 15, 2006
Valentine's Day
Everyone else blogged about it, so why not me? I’ll share my deep, deep Valentine’s Day thoughts.
As some of you know, and some of you don’t, my quasi-should-just-call-him-boyfriend-but-he’s-not-my-boyfriend male friend is here this week for a work training. I haven’t seen this male friend since Christmas where we had a great time getting back to center. Six weeks is a long time when you’re only quasi talking to someone, but as it turns out, time flies by, and with only a few bumps, he arrived to my apartment and we were ready for 10 days of fun. Fun for me, because I also have the added bonus of getting to sleep in a sweet-ass hotel room all week, where I can actually turn around in the bathroom, have two TV’s turned onto different channels and put my makeup on properly in front of a mirror, rather than on my bed into the mirror on my compact.
Anyways, because we are only quasi at this moment, romance, and all things related, including Valentine’s Day plans, can easily be relegated to the “don’t have to do it” side of the relationship. I don’t know why, I’m hardly someone who requires wining and dining, but for some reason, I do buy into Valentine’s Day. I don’t require roses, candy, jewelry or anything of the sort, but I do suppose I like something, and it could be the tiniest most insignificant thing ever, so long as it was meant to show me that someone cared.
I think I feel this way because I never had boyfriends growing up. I was such a super huge tomboy and really didn’t give a flying S*** that I missed all the cheesy balloon and roses crap of high school and even college. Maybe I'm making up for it now? The most fun Valentine’s Day I ever had was actually getting completely wasted and going out dancing with my friend. I threw up into a plastic banner announcing something or other on the UF Plaza of the Americas on my way home and then proceeded to cheer about that for like 10 minutes. So I was hardly one of those single girls who whined about being single and went to the ends of the Earth to find a date. I was exactly the opposite. Since I have been non-single, for the last four Valentine’s Day’s approximately, I guess it’s important to me to do a little something. One year it was a nice Sushi dinner. One year it was a weekend cruise, which ironically cost just over what last year’s raw food dinner cost. So this year, being technically single but in a quasi-relationship, I did wonder what would be appropriate.
On my way out of the subway, to the quasi-companion's hotel, I passed tons of financial types (hotel is across from the WTC site) holding roses and balloons, girls with candy, blue-collar types mulling over sidewalk vendor gifts…and I realized that I didn’t want those things. They’re nice and all, don’t get me wrong, but flowers die, balloons are a waste of space after about a minute and candy is fattening. But then when I realized that “dinner plans” involved the five other people that are doing the training with the quasi-companion, I must admit I was temporarily disappointed. We went to the gym, and once my endorphins were flowing I felt a tad better. A nice, hot shower made me feel a little bit better. But it was only one sentence that I really required – “Lia, you and I will go out to dinner on Saturday if that’s alright. I want to network with these people while we’re all together.” Perfect, I said! And as it turns out, it was. Over a bottle of wine, and lots of sushi and veggies, I listened to them all as they chatted about work, got to know each other and just laughed, drank and had a good time. When it was all over, we watched some Olympics and called it a night. And it was an extremely nice night.
So do I like Valentine’s Day? I’m ashamed to admit, that yes, I sort of do. But I only like the idea of taking out one minute of your day to show someone that you care. It doesn’t matter to me if that means going out with a single friend and getting blasted in the name of singledom, or telling someone the two of you will go out to dinner later in the week. In the end, to me, it’s one and the same.
Everyone else blogged about it, so why not me? I’ll share my deep, deep Valentine’s Day thoughts.
As some of you know, and some of you don’t, my quasi-should-just-call-him-boyfriend-but-he’s-not-my-boyfriend male friend is here this week for a work training. I haven’t seen this male friend since Christmas where we had a great time getting back to center. Six weeks is a long time when you’re only quasi talking to someone, but as it turns out, time flies by, and with only a few bumps, he arrived to my apartment and we were ready for 10 days of fun. Fun for me, because I also have the added bonus of getting to sleep in a sweet-ass hotel room all week, where I can actually turn around in the bathroom, have two TV’s turned onto different channels and put my makeup on properly in front of a mirror, rather than on my bed into the mirror on my compact.
Anyways, because we are only quasi at this moment, romance, and all things related, including Valentine’s Day plans, can easily be relegated to the “don’t have to do it” side of the relationship. I don’t know why, I’m hardly someone who requires wining and dining, but for some reason, I do buy into Valentine’s Day. I don’t require roses, candy, jewelry or anything of the sort, but I do suppose I like something, and it could be the tiniest most insignificant thing ever, so long as it was meant to show me that someone cared.
I think I feel this way because I never had boyfriends growing up. I was such a super huge tomboy and really didn’t give a flying S*** that I missed all the cheesy balloon and roses crap of high school and even college. Maybe I'm making up for it now? The most fun Valentine’s Day I ever had was actually getting completely wasted and going out dancing with my friend. I threw up into a plastic banner announcing something or other on the UF Plaza of the Americas on my way home and then proceeded to cheer about that for like 10 minutes. So I was hardly one of those single girls who whined about being single and went to the ends of the Earth to find a date. I was exactly the opposite. Since I have been non-single, for the last four Valentine’s Day’s approximately, I guess it’s important to me to do a little something. One year it was a nice Sushi dinner. One year it was a weekend cruise, which ironically cost just over what last year’s raw food dinner cost. So this year, being technically single but in a quasi-relationship, I did wonder what would be appropriate.
On my way out of the subway, to the quasi-companion's hotel, I passed tons of financial types (hotel is across from the WTC site) holding roses and balloons, girls with candy, blue-collar types mulling over sidewalk vendor gifts…and I realized that I didn’t want those things. They’re nice and all, don’t get me wrong, but flowers die, balloons are a waste of space after about a minute and candy is fattening. But then when I realized that “dinner plans” involved the five other people that are doing the training with the quasi-companion, I must admit I was temporarily disappointed. We went to the gym, and once my endorphins were flowing I felt a tad better. A nice, hot shower made me feel a little bit better. But it was only one sentence that I really required – “Lia, you and I will go out to dinner on Saturday if that’s alright. I want to network with these people while we’re all together.” Perfect, I said! And as it turns out, it was. Over a bottle of wine, and lots of sushi and veggies, I listened to them all as they chatted about work, got to know each other and just laughed, drank and had a good time. When it was all over, we watched some Olympics and called it a night. And it was an extremely nice night.
So do I like Valentine’s Day? I’m ashamed to admit, that yes, I sort of do. But I only like the idea of taking out one minute of your day to show someone that you care. It doesn’t matter to me if that means going out with a single friend and getting blasted in the name of singledom, or telling someone the two of you will go out to dinner later in the week. In the end, to me, it’s one and the same.
Tuesday, February 07, 2006
I've Been A Bad Blogger
It seems that in the last week, I have broken one of my new year's resolutions already, I have fallen off the blogging bandwagon. My own blogging bandwagon. Working 12 hour days for the man will do that to you though, so I hope that this doesn't really count as breaking the reso. Consider it, a temporary hiatus from the ability to blog....yes, that's it!
Anywho, I've been meaning to post them for about a month, but I did want to put my New Year's Resolutions in writing, not only to share with the world, but also in hopes that seeing them out in cyber space would mean I have to stick to them. My resolutions, and progress as of February are as follows.
- Read 52 books: On average, this would be one book a week. However, I am an exceptionally fast reader and so there may be a week where I can finish two books. So far, in 2006, I have read 2 1/2 books- A Million Little Pieces, Memoirs of a Geisha and half of Sense and Sensibility. On deck, Case Histories and Night. I think I am on track on this one and I put this reso in the "on track" pile. Last year, Stephen King read 80 books. I wanted to pare this down to a more manageable level.
- Write for 15 minutes every day: If work counts, then yes, I have accomplished this thus far. If it counts solely toward creative writing, then I broke this on January 2. I put this on the "get off your ass and get cracking" pile.
Learn Italian: Unfortunately, I have not yet opened the beautiful book and DVD set my sister got me. That doesn't mean I won't..but I now only have 10 months to get to an intermediate level of the language. This goes in the "you have aspired too high" pile.
Call My Friends/Family More Often: I started off well with this...the last few weeks have been tough b/c of work. This is also in the "get off your ass and get cracking" pile.
And finally, "Don't worry about things out of your control:" Haha FAILED. To possibly keep this resolution I need a complete personality overhaul. I'll put that on the list for 2007 along with the perennial favorites of go to the gym more often, worry less, laugh more and yada yada yada.
It seems that in the last week, I have broken one of my new year's resolutions already, I have fallen off the blogging bandwagon. My own blogging bandwagon. Working 12 hour days for the man will do that to you though, so I hope that this doesn't really count as breaking the reso. Consider it, a temporary hiatus from the ability to blog....yes, that's it!
Anywho, I've been meaning to post them for about a month, but I did want to put my New Year's Resolutions in writing, not only to share with the world, but also in hopes that seeing them out in cyber space would mean I have to stick to them. My resolutions, and progress as of February are as follows.
- Read 52 books: On average, this would be one book a week. However, I am an exceptionally fast reader and so there may be a week where I can finish two books. So far, in 2006, I have read 2 1/2 books- A Million Little Pieces, Memoirs of a Geisha and half of Sense and Sensibility. On deck, Case Histories and Night. I think I am on track on this one and I put this reso in the "on track" pile. Last year, Stephen King read 80 books. I wanted to pare this down to a more manageable level.
- Write for 15 minutes every day: If work counts, then yes, I have accomplished this thus far. If it counts solely toward creative writing, then I broke this on January 2. I put this on the "get off your ass and get cracking" pile.
Learn Italian: Unfortunately, I have not yet opened the beautiful book and DVD set my sister got me. That doesn't mean I won't..but I now only have 10 months to get to an intermediate level of the language. This goes in the "you have aspired too high" pile.
Call My Friends/Family More Often: I started off well with this...the last few weeks have been tough b/c of work. This is also in the "get off your ass and get cracking" pile.
And finally, "Don't worry about things out of your control:" Haha FAILED. To possibly keep this resolution I need a complete personality overhaul. I'll put that on the list for 2007 along with the perennial favorites of go to the gym more often, worry less, laugh more and yada yada yada.
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