Posh Spice and My Imaginary Gym Boyfriend

By popular demand, more on the chronicles of me and my imaginary gym boyfriend.

So today while going hard core on the elliptical I spied my imaginary gym boyfriend walking with his possible real-world girlfriend. Why did I spy him? I’m glad you ask. Because he was walking past the gym window looking directly at ME. That’s right, I’m not the only one who does some covert staring. The problem was he was with a rather tall, pretty girl and they were walking rather close. This was not the girlfriend I thought he may have. I once saw him with a short, less-attractive girlfriend one morning when I stopped at the bank on my way to work. The exchange I saw made me happy:

Gym Boyfriend: I don’t want to talk about it right now!
Possible Real World Girlfriend: Don’t say anything!!!!
Gym Boyfriend: ANYTHING!!!!!

I had to keep from screaming out loud, DUMP HER AND LOVE ME INSTEAD! But instead I just pretended like the Sean Paul song pounding in my iPod was the most interesting thing I’d ever heard and me and my boots walked right on by.

Only today on the elliptical, when we made eye contact through the window, the girl who was next to him was NOT this girl and my first impression of her was “Jesus Christ she looks just like Posh Spice from the side….except, a lower-class Staten Island version.”

This is bad for two reasons:
1.) If his taste is Staten Island Barbie doll…I’m afraid that he will not heart me. Now if you are from Staten Island please don’t take offense, you know who the less-classy of you are out there. And people who heart Staten Island Barbie's do not go for me. It's a fact of life, and I've made my peace with it. Quite frankly, I don't go for guys who like those girls, though for my gym boyfriend, I'd make an exception.
2.) It means his girlfriend, even by SI standards, is attractive. The girl who I saw was not particularly attractive, I did not get a close look. Anyways, my job as possible-girlfriend stealer gets increasingly harder the more attractive the girlfriend is. Ahh dilemmas.

Anyways, again, this is all something I have made up in my head, not real, imaginary. It just goes to show how much I have to do to get through my workouts. Insert sad face here.

American Inventor

This show is actually really good! I had all the episodes saved because I didn’t really feel like watching, but this Saturday, which I spent from the comfort of my bed, I decided to watch it (20 straight episodes of Forensic Files will do that to you) and I was pleasantly surprised that it was really, really good! Hooray! Another show to add to my ever-growing list of must watches.


Yo Momma

Another show that I was somewhat unsure about when I heard it what it was about. I was skeptical about Wilmer Valderamma and quite frankly, yo mama jokes are so 1992. However it is pretty funny I must say, as is Wilmer. My favorite joke so far:

“Yo mama is so skinny, she does pull-ups on a staple.”

Hahahahahaha.

Fourteen Hour Day Thoughts

Buh-Bye


In the name of Jesus, see you later Mandisa. Everyone in the New York office knows that I was not a fan, and in our American Idol pool each week, I correctly predicted she’d be voted off. Yes she can sing, but she’s not (insert affected English accent right here) “just not right for this competition.” Two reasons for this:

A.) As mentioned by Kate yesterday, Mandisa needs to add her last name to her stage name. She is not at one-name status yet.

B.) Let’s face it, she’ll go on and have a great career in gospel. And in six months to a year’s time she’ll be saying she’s happy she didn’t win because it opened up so many doors for her, blah blah blah.

Amen.

And I do just have to give a What! What! And a Hallelujah for TiVo, because even though I had a 14 hour day today, I came home and was able to speed through American Idol in 15 minutes and Unan1mous in 20.

And speaking of Unan1mous…

A HoButchCooKoo

I've said it before and I'll say it again, Unan1mous is one F*ed up show and I love it. So many twists and turn you can't keep up!

I also love it because I'm getting a bunch of great new sayings. For example:

A HobutchCooKoo

Translation: A Whole Bunch Cookoo. Translation: Real Damn Crazy. This is how Steve described Richard early in tonight's episode. I think I’m going to start applying this term to people I see on the street and crazy people I meet during the day.

Steve also used the term Crazy As a Craphouse Rat…which I think I could also potentially use in the very near future.

Another reason why I love this show is because Jonathan is incredibly hot. He wears wife beaters most of the time, and that makes me happy when he is onscreen. It also reminds me that I need to start dating real people, rather than figure out how I’m going to meet people on television and have their unborn children.

Which Leads Me To…

Famous People I Wouldn’t Mind Marrying and Procreating With…

- Chris Daughtry
- Josh Duhamel
- Jonathan from Unan1mous
- Orlando Bloom
- Ben Affleck
- My Gym Boyfriend (he owns the gym, I stare at him covertly when I work out and with whom I’ve yet to make actual eye contact with…Ok we have made eye contact but we’ve not yet had a “real” conversation…Ok we did have a real conversation once when I pretended to lose my keys in order to start a conversation and test the water, and during which he did not appear to take the bait. To be continued.)
- Craig David

I’m sure I’m missing quite a few but this was all I could think of for the time being.

Rough Day, Idol Night

K-Rodg

Dear Kenny Rogers,
Please stay away from Botox!!! Stay away! Only your mouth moves- this does not make you look younger, it makes you look weird. Go talk to Priscilla Presley, you’ll see what I mean.

Love,
Lia

I’ve never really liked Kenny Rogers, I think he is corny. The only songs I ever liked of his is Islands in the Stream, and that’s only because Dolly Parton is involved.

I do love Kenny Roger’s Roasters though. If Kenny Rogers just made cornbread and chicken, not music, then I’d like him a whole lot more.



I Quit Chicken Fingers

So last night the Gators won the NCAA Championship, but I lost my will to drink only Sprite during the game. Within minutes of getting my seat, I succumbed to peer pressure and ordered beer. Two pitchers later, the Gators were National Champions and I was a champion too… until I woke up this morning. Pretty rough. But worth it.

I remember most of the evening, especially that there was a rather unflattering photo of me eating a chicken finger, the second such photo in as many months. I think I’m quitting chicken fingers. Not the beer that makes me eat them like a maniac, just the chicken.

Crackhead Love

I should be cleaning my apartment, I should be putting together the paperwork for my taxes…instead I’m watching the E! True Hollywood Story on Bobby and Whitney. As I watch this ridiculous story, I just can’t believe we (and by “we” I mean “me”) continue to be fascinated by these two. And by “fascinated” I mean, “can’t turn away.” Part of me commends them for staying together for so long…in an age of divorce I suppose this is good. Another part of me, the larger part, just asks “Why?” I suppose it’s just as well. Crackhead love will always be interesting- especially when said crackheads are multimillionaires and public figures. LOVE IT!

On another note, why is poor Bobbi Christina so fugly? Poor little thing! Bobby and Whitney are not ugly crackheads…I’m confused as to how their offspring can be so unattractive. Hopefully she can sing…it would just be unfair otherwise.

The Gators Owe Me $40

The Gators are in the NCAA Finals, which means I stand to inherit the $105 from the CRT/tanaka Charlie Domalik Invitational. Everyone laughed at me when I had Florida in the finals – WHO’S LAUGHING NOW KIDS?? $105! It would be nice to win because I paid $40 to get into some bar last night, foolishly believing I could take advantage of the “All You Can Drink” open bar, until I realized that drinking all that I could would more than likely mean imminent death. Nicole and I had started our night at 5 p.m. in honor of the Final Four. We got to the open bar around 11:15…you can do the math. Despite the odds we took our best shot. Literally. I had two SoCo and Lime shots before I realized without some water, I’d be in deep trouble. So I made the switch. It was a wasted $40. So the Gators should win and let me recoup my losses. And give me something to flaunt in all my Gator-hating friends’ faces for the next couple of months.


So noTORIous

Can’t wait for this tonight! I must see what all the fuss is about!

Cha-cha-changes!

I've now added the handy title bar to my blog so that all of these can be named. In addition, I've added the ability for people to comment anonymously- you don't have to register with blogger. So comment away!

Shakira- My Girl Crush

Make fun of me if you will, my girl crush is Shakira. She has been my girl crush since somewhere around 2001 when I caught her on the Latin Grammy’s singing Ojos Asi. Mostly because, after years of unofficial “practice”, I still look like an a-hole trying to recreate her hip moves. Anyone who may know Shakira’s Spanish songs know she is an incredibly talented song writer, her English songs don’t show it as much, but trust me she is awesome. And that hair….so jealous. If I could trade places with anyone in the world, it would be her.

Bye Bye Lisa, Don’t Let the Door Hit you in the @$$ On the Way Out

My dislike of Lisa Tucker was not a secret. Her and her weird skinny jeans tonight…I’m not sorry to see her go. Is anyone else freaked out by her freak-like optimism? I mean she’s only 16 and she’s smiling as she gets kicked off. At 16, I was a raging lunatic in the emotions department. I would have lost it long ago if I knew that America hated me for three weeks in a row and I was dying a slow death in the entertainment business in front of tens of millions. I would have punched Paula Abdul in the face, and peaced out with the quickness somewhere in the middle of week two.

Unan1mous

God this show is so AWESOME!! It’s so weird and awesome at the same time I can hardly contain my excitement about it and it’s only week two. It’s gets freakier by the moment, outcasts have to wear special uniforms, everyone make freaky faces and gets unnaturally hostile toward one another in a matter of seconds. LOVE IT! Thank you to one DS who turned me onto this AMAZINGLY SICK show! If you’ve not watched it, stay up the extra half hour after Idol and allow yourself to get sucked in. You won’t regret it!

Bathing Suit Season- Earlier Than Expected

It’s a well-known fact; I struggle with the work/life balance. Something about the last few years has turned me into a slightly anal, slightly compulsive, semi-high strung worker bee. What’s worse is that I don’t like being that way, I just can’t help myself. And then you meet my dad, who works insane hours, brings the job home with him, picks up his phone on vacation, and you know why! Along with the ghetto booty, it’s apparently the ONE other thing I inherited. Why not the green eyes? WHYYY?

Anywho, that’s why I try to fill my weekends with as much fun as possible so that on Monday’s I know that something good awaits me.

This weekend was one of those! From Friday Night NCAA to Sunday night Sopranos with a little gym, Florida Gators, Connecticut and Coldplay mixed the middle, it was such an awesome weekend. And I have five straight action-packed weekends ahead, culminating in a May 3 trip to Aruba!

That’s right bitches, almost one year to the day when I was SUPPOSED to go to Aruba, now I am! That’s the good news. The bad news is that means I’m going to have to be in a bathing suit almost two months earlier than originally planned. Which means I need to detox and cut down on portion control…oh say by about 100%. Winter wreaks havoc on the waistline. Coffee for breakfast, smoothies for dinner and a small lunch in between is probably the only way I can be in fighting shape for a bathing suit in four weeks. I never thought I’d have to go on a crash diet, but desperate times call for desperate measures. And although I’m back in the gym, it’s going to take more than 30 minutes of cardio a day to get back those six-pack abs (the ones I lost around age nine.)

The Sopranos

I can’t say enough about this show! It appears my friend’s prediction was correct, at least in my eyes. Tony’s dream was his descent into the afterlife, presumably hell. The fire on the horizon, Tony B. waiting at the gates, his mom already inside…all the signs are there. But then Meadow’s voice calls him back. I just thought it was so masterfully done…the juxtaposition of the action and the power struggle next to this symbolic, hard-to-follow dream sequence. Loved it!!!! I saved it on my new TiVo so I can watch it again and again!

Getting Busy Again

The first quarter funk is over, and I couldn’t be happier. I didn’t travel, I didn’t go out, I basically had no fun whatsoever. F* that bitches. It’s a new quarter, it’s a new era.

From now until May I am traveling every weekend. On the lineup? Connecticut, Philadelphia, Boston and South Florida, once again. If Annette’s birthday party remains May 5, then I will stay in New York and be the high-scorer on the Ari Gold Bowling Team we are currently forming. (My T-shirt will feature the broccoli line I love so much.) If it does not, I’m jetting to Aruba with my colleague because she has a free hotel room. Chances are, Aruba will remain a pipe dream. I could have gotten there last year, had a couple not fell off our cruise ship forcing the boat to turn around. Looks like I’m foiled again. DAMN YOU ARUBA!

Then in July I’m spending two weeks in the Southwest. Supposedly it’s like the vortex of the universe out there, you get real calm and zen-like. By that time, that feeling will be much-needed, so I’m really looking forward to that.

Anyways, I’m breaking out. I’ve also been drinking inordinate amounts of coffee lately, perhaps that is why I’m so ready to take on the world.

Alcohol

This morning the first thing I thought of is I can’t wait to go out tonight and drink and have fun. I am pretty sure this is normal for my age, but lately, with the insane amounts of people I have learned are getting married and/or having children (seems to be one or the other right now) I’m wondering when exactly it’s going to be un-cool to think this way. Words cannot express how terrified I am that one day I turn around and all my friends are married with kids and I’m still like woo hoo when does the drinking and dancing begin!! And they’re all like Lia, we can’t do that anymore, and I’m the only single one, with no one to go out with, forced to try and find love on match.com and if I’m really serious, eHarmony.

Since “settling down” is not currently a term in my vocabulary I’m afraid this day is already starting to dawn. I see it already- co-workers my age getting engaged, getting married. If I leave New York, this will be even worse. New York is an adult playland, where there are no children and most people seem to be relatively single. If you leave this magical place, you must enter suburbia where the opposite is true. Since my countdown has started, and my “relationship” is weird at best at the moment, what the hell will I do if it doesn’t work out? Stuck in a world of married couples and perpetual summer? Ok perpetual summer is fine….but all my friends in relationships is not. Up here I have a network of single girls I call on each and every day. Down in Florida, not so. It’s like an effing nightmare waiting to unfold.

But back to my original point, which was alcohol, and now reading the above, isn’t it ever so obvious that I need a drink to calm the F* down? I can’t wait until 5:30.

Diane Sawyer and I- BFF

So…yesterday we received the always amazing news that our clients (not magically, through hard work and lots of hustling by our team) was chosen to appear on Good Morning America. I leapt at the opportunity to see how morning show segments are produced and put together, so I hauled my ass out of bed at 4 a.m. to get over to the Good Morning America studios in Times Square. I must admit, it felt pretty good to be inside the warm studio, sipping my coffee, watching the producers scurry around, while the mere civilians and spring break kids outside watched jealously,and coldly, on.

After a great placement for our client, my supervisor and I were hobnobbing with producers when DIANE SAWYER goes to get on the elevator. Now, Diane Sawyer is a freaking legend. She’s not my favorite news anchor (I heart you Ann Curry!) but she is my second favorite. Not only is she a brilliant journalist, but she’s SO cool! For Christsake’s her husband is Mike Nichols! I was totally awestruck. Picture me, in my thrift store (but totally awesome!) skirt, and Payless round-toe ballet flats, doing my best to play adult, while F-ING DIANE SAWYER in her impeccably tailored, perfectly white pantsuit stands beside me patiently waiting for the elevator.

I had to say something.

My mind searched and finally, I said, “I like your shoes.”

I LIKE YOUR SHOES? Not, “Hey Diane, thank you for advancing feminism.” “Thank you, Diane, for making it easier for women in the workplace.” Not, “Great coverage of the tsunami last December, Diane.” Not, “Your husband F*ing rocks!!” No, no. "I like your shoes," is what came out of my mouth.

However, she actually said, “Thank you, I appreciate that!”

And I was like, “Yes, well they are really cool.” Which was true. They were pretty cool.

And then my supervisor does what I’m supposed to do and asks if she would like to test our product at home…and she said yes, she thinks her husband will like it. And with that she got on the elevator, telling us her assistant’s name (which she could not remember) and the doors close.

I was so goddamn excited it was all I could do not to turn around and be like “DID YOU SEE THAT BITCHES? DID YOU SEE ME TALKING TO DIANE SAWYER?? HHAHAHAHAH!”

Although this job is 99% hard work, frustration, long hours and horrible pay, at least in the end that remaining 1% manages to be somewhat fun and glamorous. I can now put Diane on my list of “celebrities I have actually talked to” as entry #2 under Serena Altschul. It's not the best list ever, but it's certainly getting there.

I’ve Been Feeling Uninspired and Tired

Maybe it’s the 12-hour workdays I’ve had. Maybe it’s the fact I completely stopped going to the gym altogether. Maybe it’s because I haven’t had a fun night out with the girls in NYC since I don’t know when. Maybe it’s because I have a quasi-boyfriend who may or may not heart me. It’s no matter. When the inspiration leaves, it leaves. And there’s no telling when it will come back until one day, it just appears again.

So…that’s that. Now we’re back on track and ready to write. Ready to try and get the book in motion, ready to try and combat the fatigue that being burnt out at work brings on.

I popped down to Florida for the weekend for a bit of R&R. For all those that I didn’t call, I’m sorry. I only had a few days to see family and then it was back on the plane to cold NYC. I had a great time. St. Patrick’s Day was a blast, I had all-you-can-eat crab legs on another day, took a nice long drive down by the beach on another, and actually got to the beach on another. It was all the things I love about Florida – the sun, the cheap cost of drinking, my family, the sand. It went by way too quickly, but for three days it was enough.

The Sopranos

So I thought I’d share a really interesting theory that I heard about the second episode of the Sopranos. The theory is that Tony’s dream is actually his descent into hell. The flashes of light is heaven far away. I think that this theory requires some fleshing out, but some things about it do make sense. For example, the voices on the phone of Tony’s wife and kids – aren’t Carmella or Meadow. Now I’m not sure what that has to do with the fact that Tony’s descending into Hell now that I’ve actually written it down, but I just like the idea.

My idea was that Tony is actually dreaming what could have been if he didn’t go into the Mob. Carmella wouldn’t have married him, he’d be some type of salesman but he wouldn’t necessarily be a good person. He’d still do bad things (cheat on his wife, credit card fraud), but it wouldn’t be murder or racketeering or extortion, etc.

Either way, the Sopranos is the best show on television, and possibly the best show ever. It’s done in two episodes what most series can’t accomplish in ten years – spark conversation from the streets to the water cooler, make people think, make people question major issues around right versus wrong, good versus bad, all while making people laugh – “Hey Van Helsing – let’s go!”

Jack Bauer Rules!

If you liked the Chuck Norris facts, and you watch 24, you will love these. If you don't watch 24 you will still love these. Why? Because Jack Bauer said so.

PS- I do not write these myself. I don't have that kind of time. I think they are randomly generated "facts." However, if I do one day find out that a person wrote these, they will have my undying devotion. And quite possibly, my hand in marriage.


If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Nina twice.

If everyone on "24" followed Jack Bauer's instructions, it would be called "12".

Upon hearing that he was played by Kiefer Sutherland, Jack Bauer killed Sutherland. Jack Bauer gets played by no man.

Jack Bauers calender goes from March 31st to April 2nd. No one fools Jack Bauer.

If you wake up in the morning, it's because Jack Bauer spared your life.

All men are created equal. They are all vastly inferior to Jack Bauer.

Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.

Jack Bauer's house has an alarm system -- not to warn Jack of intruders, but to warn the intruders of Jack.

When Kim Bauer lost her virginity, Jack Bauer found it and put it back.

If it tastes like chicken, looks like chicken, and feels like chicken, but Jack Bauer says its beef. Then it's fucking beef.

Superman wears Jack Bauer pajamas.

When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. Jack Bauer fucking hates lemonade.

1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.

Tony was once shot in the neck, rushed to the hospital, underwent emergency surgery and was back on the job in just a few hours. Jack Bauer still can't believe that pussy went to the hospital first.
Lets get one thing straight, the only reason you are conscious right now is because Jack Bauer does not feel like carrying you.

Jack Bauer doesn't speak any foreign languages, but he can make any foreigner speak English in a matter of minutes.

Jack Bauer played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer.

Jack Bauer once won a game of Connect 4 in 3 moves.

It's no use crying over spilt milk... Unless that was Jack Bauer's milk. Oh you are so screwed.

Jack Bauer is the leading cause of death in Middle Eastern men.

Osama bin Laden's recent proposal for truce is a direct result of him finding out that Jack Bauer is, in fact, still alive.

Jack Bauer is the 'i' in team.

Jack Bauer doesn't miss. If he didn't hit you it's because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.

Nobody says 'hit me' when Jack Bauer deals Blackjack.

If Rosa Parks was in Jack Bauer's seat, she'd move to the back of the bus.

Killing Jack Bauer doesn't make him dead. It just makes him angry.

Every mathematical inequality officially ends with "< Jack Bauer".

When Google can't find something, it asks Jack Bauer for help.

Superman's only weakness is Kryptonite. Jack Bauer laughs at Superman for having a weakness.

If Jack Bauer misspells a word, your dictionary is wrong.
Simon Says should be renamed to Jack Bauer Says because if Jack Bauer says something then you better fucking do it.

Jack Bauer killed 93 people in just 4 days time. Wait, that is a real fact.

Jack Bauer's favorite color is severe terror alert red. His second favorite color is violet, but just because it sounds like violent.

Jack Bauer removed the "Escape" button from his keyboard. Jack Bauer never needs to escape.

Jack Bauer once double teamed a girl.. by himself.

On a high school math test, Jack Bauer put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because Jack Bauer solves all his problems with Violence.

When President Palmer quit to start doing Allstate commercials, it took him 43 takes before he could stop saying, "You're in good hands with Jack Bauer".

When you open a can of whoop-ass, Jack Bauer jumps out.

When Jack Bauer was a child, he made his mother finish his vegetables.

Jack Bauer's first job was as a waiter, he was fired soon after. Jack Bauer takes orders from no one.

In 96 hours, Jack Bauer has killed 93 people and saved the world 4 times. What the fuck have you done with your life?

Men are ok with their wives fantasizing about Jack Bauer during sex; because they are doing the same thing.

When the boogie man goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Jack Bauer.

Jesus died and rose from the dead in 3 days. It took Jack Bauer less than an hour. And he's done it twice.

In high school Jack Bauer was voted "Most Likely to Kill the Foreign Kid"... and "Best Eyes."

Jack Bauer doesn't play the game SORRY. Jack Bauer apologizes to no one.

Jack Bauer can get McDonald's breakfast after 10:30.

There are no such thing as lesbians, just women who never met Jack Bauer.

You can lead a horse to water. Jack Bauer can make him drink.

Jack Bauer knows Victoria's secret.

Jack Bauer got Hellen Keller to talk.

Sun Tzu once wrote, "If your enemy is weaker, conquer him. If he is stronger, join him. If he is Jack Bauer, you're fucking dead."

Guns dont kill people, Jack Bauer kills people.

There is the right way, the wrong way, and the Jack Bauer way. It's basically the right way but faster and more deaths.

If Jack Bauer was gay, his name would be Chuck Norris.

Finding Nemo would have been vastly more exciting had Jack Bauer been looking for him.

In kindergarten, Jack Bauer killed a terrorist for Show and Tell.

If you're holding a gun to Jack Bauer's head, don't count to three before you shoot. Count to 10. That way, you get to live 7 seconds longer.

What color is Jack Bauer's blood? Trick question. Jack Bauer does not bleed.

I’ve Been a Bad, Bad Blogger

The above should be sung to the tune of “Criminal” by Fiona Apple. The first quarter of this year has really kicked my ass. Most specifically preparing for the housewares trade show in March. After March 14 I’m a free woman! I have never so looked forward to the end of a work project in my life! It’s truly hellish to prepare for this show! And getting back to being able to update this blog with some sort of regularity.

Billy Joel
I saw Billy Joel last night at Madison Square Garden and he rocked it out! I was so excited, in addition to being slightly tipsy, and so before long I was out of my chair, dancing and screaming the words. This morning, my voice was a little raspy meaning that my job as a concert-goer was well done. The highlight of the show was definitely him closing with Piano Man, which I once read he would never play in public again because he has sung it so many times he can’t do it with emotion. Sometimes, at concerts, I get so excited I actually begin to tear….it’s not something I’m proud of, but it’s what it is! I have to admit, I had to hold back the full-on sobbing of excitement to hear Billy Joel sing Piano Man in Madison Square Garden. It was almost too much joy for my little heart to bear.

Although I’m not an avid fan, next month I’m going to see Coldplay…which should be very cool.

Night
I’m onto book number four for the year, Night by Elie Wiesel. Since this is the only New Year’s resolution I am even remotely on track to keep, I’m just going to go with it.

Valentine's Day

Everyone else blogged about it, so why not me? I’ll share my deep, deep Valentine’s Day thoughts.

As some of you know, and some of you don’t, my quasi-should-just-call-him-boyfriend-but-he’s-not-my-boyfriend male friend is here this week for a work training. I haven’t seen this male friend since Christmas where we had a great time getting back to center. Six weeks is a long time when you’re only quasi talking to someone, but as it turns out, time flies by, and with only a few bumps, he arrived to my apartment and we were ready for 10 days of fun. Fun for me, because I also have the added bonus of getting to sleep in a sweet-ass hotel room all week, where I can actually turn around in the bathroom, have two TV’s turned onto different channels and put my makeup on properly in front of a mirror, rather than on my bed into the mirror on my compact.

Anyways, because we are only quasi at this moment, romance, and all things related, including Valentine’s Day plans, can easily be relegated to the “don’t have to do it” side of the relationship. I don’t know why, I’m hardly someone who requires wining and dining, but for some reason, I do buy into Valentine’s Day. I don’t require roses, candy, jewelry or anything of the sort, but I do suppose I like something, and it could be the tiniest most insignificant thing ever, so long as it was meant to show me that someone cared.

I think I feel this way because I never had boyfriends growing up. I was such a super huge tomboy and really didn’t give a flying S*** that I missed all the cheesy balloon and roses crap of high school and even college. Maybe I'm making up for it now? The most fun Valentine’s Day I ever had was actually getting completely wasted and going out dancing with my friend. I threw up into a plastic banner announcing something or other on the UF Plaza of the Americas on my way home and then proceeded to cheer about that for like 10 minutes. So I was hardly one of those single girls who whined about being single and went to the ends of the Earth to find a date. I was exactly the opposite. Since I have been non-single, for the last four Valentine’s Day’s approximately, I guess it’s important to me to do a little something. One year it was a nice Sushi dinner. One year it was a weekend cruise, which ironically cost just over what last year’s raw food dinner cost. So this year, being technically single but in a quasi-relationship, I did wonder what would be appropriate.

On my way out of the subway, to the quasi-companion's hotel, I passed tons of financial types (hotel is across from the WTC site) holding roses and balloons, girls with candy, blue-collar types mulling over sidewalk vendor gifts…and I realized that I didn’t want those things. They’re nice and all, don’t get me wrong, but flowers die, balloons are a waste of space after about a minute and candy is fattening. But then when I realized that “dinner plans” involved the five other people that are doing the training with the quasi-companion, I must admit I was temporarily disappointed. We went to the gym, and once my endorphins were flowing I felt a tad better. A nice, hot shower made me feel a little bit better. But it was only one sentence that I really required – “Lia, you and I will go out to dinner on Saturday if that’s alright. I want to network with these people while we’re all together.” Perfect, I said! And as it turns out, it was. Over a bottle of wine, and lots of sushi and veggies, I listened to them all as they chatted about work, got to know each other and just laughed, drank and had a good time. When it was all over, we watched some Olympics and called it a night. And it was an extremely nice night.

So do I like Valentine’s Day? I’m ashamed to admit, that yes, I sort of do. But I only like the idea of taking out one minute of your day to show someone that you care. It doesn’t matter to me if that means going out with a single friend and getting blasted in the name of singledom, or telling someone the two of you will go out to dinner later in the week. In the end, to me, it’s one and the same.

I've Been A Bad Blogger

It seems that in the last week, I have broken one of my new year's resolutions already, I have fallen off the blogging bandwagon. My own blogging bandwagon. Working 12 hour days for the man will do that to you though, so I hope that this doesn't really count as breaking the reso. Consider it, a temporary hiatus from the ability to blog....yes, that's it!

Anywho, I've been meaning to post them for about a month, but I did want to put my New Year's Resolutions in writing, not only to share with the world, but also in hopes that seeing them out in cyber space would mean I have to stick to them. My resolutions, and progress as of February are as follows.

- Read 52 books: On average, this would be one book a week. However, I am an exceptionally fast reader and so there may be a week where I can finish two books. So far, in 2006, I have read 2 1/2 books- A Million Little Pieces, Memoirs of a Geisha and half of Sense and Sensibility. On deck, Case Histories and Night. I think I am on track on this one and I put this reso in the "on track" pile. Last year, Stephen King read 80 books. I wanted to pare this down to a more manageable level.

- Write for 15 minutes every day: If work counts, then yes, I have accomplished this thus far. If it counts solely toward creative writing, then I broke this on January 2. I put this on the "get off your ass and get cracking" pile.

Learn Italian: Unfortunately, I have not yet opened the beautiful book and DVD set my sister got me. That doesn't mean I won't..but I now only have 10 months to get to an intermediate level of the language. This goes in the "you have aspired too high" pile.

Call My Friends/Family More Often: I started off well with this...the last few weeks have been tough b/c of work. This is also in the "get off your ass and get cracking" pile.

And finally, "Don't worry about things out of your control:" Haha FAILED. To possibly keep this resolution I need a complete personality overhaul. I'll put that on the list for 2007 along with the perennial favorites of go to the gym more often, worry less, laugh more and yada yada yada.

The Book is Back!

Every once in a while I reference this fantastic novel I'm supposed to be writing, the problem is I've been suffering from writer's block for quite some time. I was having trouble coming up with a beginning and so I was just kind of writing a middle. The problem is the beginning of a book sets the direction, tone and plot for everything to follow and so without it, I felt like everything I wrote lacked coherency.

Well there's nothing like an empty stomach, a couple tablespoons of Robitussin and a shot of concentrated coffee to get the creative ideas flowing. I stopped off at the coffee shop to get some coffee and a muffin on my way to go into work for a bit since I haven't been there since Wednesday. Forgetting I was not in Starbucks, I ordered a macchiatto, which in Starbucks is caramel, milk and a little bit of coffee. However, in real life I guess it's supposed to be a shot of coffee. Which is EXACTLY what it was, a shot of caffeine that coursed through my veins in about .5 seconds and gave me the feeling like I was high. It was how I was when I first began drinking coffee and used to call my friends talking about 25 miles an hour. However, since my phone was dying there was no one to call and I wound up having an internal conversation instead. An internal conversation which resulted in the first three pages of my new book. And the good news I have a tone, a direction, a new title and a defined plot. Hooray! Publication for 2008 baby!

Viral Infection

So I currently have a viral infection that is preventing me from going to work or basically doing anything but get up off the couch except to go to the bathroom and eat. And even those two things are exhausting. I was told the virus has to "run its course" and I can't do anything. Which is fine. I am cool with that. However, I realized New York has made me a workaholic. I was obsessed with the fact that I had to go in for a conference call (which thankfully was cancelled). What is wrong with me? I'm hacking my brains out, and my brains feel like they're being smashed in...and I'm wondering about the conference call. It's a sad, sad state of affairs I tell you.

The good news is I get a nice four-day weekend. The bad news is that it only serves to show me how badly the five day week really sucks. I wonder if I've amassed enough experience to freelance....hmm....

Bloggers to Book Deals

I've been reading a lot lately about the transition many of the Web's favorite bloggers have outed themselves and gotten bookdeals. It's kind of depressing, b/c seriously...THATS THE LIFE I WANT TO LEAD!!!!! The thing is, I know that if I want a book deal, I actually have to sit and write a book. Which is much easier said than done. I'm glad to see there are many in the same boat, sad to see that many of them are actually doing it and I'm wasting my evenings and weekends watching pointless TV (I was home sick and watched Dr. 90210 for two hours) when I could be securing my future summer homes around the world. Why is following your dreams so damn hard? Can't I just buy some kind of genie pot, make three wishes and have the book write itself? Now that would be ideal. One of my New Year's resolutions was to write for at least 15 minutes every day, and I'm happy to say that this has more or less been true, however, I've only done so on this blog. Now maybe that's a start but in truth, it's not getting the book any farther along. I've been stalled on page 9 for so long that I feel like starting over. Can I just win the lottery and call it a day already?

Rice + Soy Sauce + Appletinis Does Not Equal Fun

In case anyone was ever wondering, these three things do not go well together. Last night, unaware, I mixed the three and then I paid for it dearly from 2 a.m.-4 a.m. And when I say “paid for it dearly” I mean I would rather have had both my legs broken rather than ever feel that way again.

I went to a professional social to drink, mingle and hang out for a little bit after work. It had been a rough Monday so I thought it would help loosen me up for the rest of the week.

Mr. Curly-Haired Bartender, age 21, was going heavy on the vodka, light on the Sour Apple Puckers for mixing the Appletinis. I had two and was sufficiently buzzed to feel good about going out on a rainy Monday.

I needed to make it home in time for “24,” so around 8:30 Pia, Annette and I jumped in the cab to travel the 12 blocks home. Yes we are lazy and no, I don’t care.

When we got home, I heated up a small amount of rice I had leftover from the night before, gave it a few shakes of soy sauce and ate it. Looking back, I maybe had like 6 forkfulls…but I’ve eaten way less than that after drinking on an empty stomach and never had a problem. Anywho, Kiefer rocked it on TV and then at 10:15 I got in bed ready for a good night’s sleep.

And all was well until I bolted upright at 2 a.m. and realized I was going to be totally sick. And I was repeatedly until 4, when I passed out again from sheer physical exertion. I couldn’t get warm under the covers, I had a piece of toast sitting on the pillow next to my head (I’ll deal with the crumbs tonight) and a Dr. Pepper open by the side of the bed. It was awful. I don’t know if I manually dehydrated myself by not eating right and pumping myself full of salt after drinking very strong drinks…or maybe it was just karma and I spoke too soon about having the best day ever. But in any case, let this be a lesson to all. Soy Sauce, Rice and Appletinis should never rendezvous in your body. You’ll be sorry if they do.

Best Day Ever

Every once in a while I have what I like to call, the Best Day Ever. Best Day’s Ever are those special days in your life, when the universe aligns in such a way, as to make you realize that not everything sucks. And that you kick ASS. Today is one of those days.

I pressed snooze an unprecedented four times this morning, waking up at 8:10. I made it work at 8:59. Right on time bitches! And I look cute. Take that.

Shortly thereafter I got a call from one of my best friends, telling me he’s engaged! Str8 outta the ABQ, Mr. J-Fo is the first of the Buttermilks to bite the dust. And I’m in the wedding…my first such invitation! The best day ever continues.

I sign on to MySpace, and find, via bulletin, that Dane Cook is playing in Boston in April. One quick flurry of emails later and not only am I going to see him (my future fiancée for all those wondering) but I have a free place to stay. What! What! Dane Cook in his hometown? That’s just f-ing ridiculous. Plus I love Boston.

At the rate things are going, Dave Chappelle is going to walk into my office and offer me a job just b/c he reads this blog and thinks I’m so damn funny and witty and smart and I just HAVE to be a part of his comedic writing team. Stay tuned as the BEST DAY EVER continues.

Just One Conversation

Over the course of the last few months, I’ve been very contemplative. Part of it is winter blues since the weather in the Northeast can’t seem to make up its damn mind and decide whether it’s going to be warm, cold, rainy, sunny, gloomy, cloudy, snowy or hailing on any given day. Each day I wake up wondering what to wear, if I need a hat, what's the meaning of life, I'm hungry and... can I wear my suede boots? Oh, life in LiaLand is very difficult indeed.

But seriously, I have been a little more introspective than I normally like to be, and I think it’s in no small part due to the fact that it’s become extremely obvious to me that small moments over the course of the last few months have seemed to shape the course of my life.

It just struck me as so funny that we, as human beings, do all these big, huge things to ensure we live the lives we think we want to lead. We go to college, we rack up thousands of dollars of debt for the sake of a piece of paper from a specific institution that lends us prestige, we get on planes and live thousands of miles from everything we know…just for the idea that we’re doing something big. Something bigger than ourselves. But although these things certainly shape who we are, and play their part in determining the success we find, it’s so often the teeny tiny moments that cause us to make our biggest decisions.

For me, that moment was nothing more than one glance across a crowded room that renewed a relationship I thought there was no chance of saving. After that moment, I went home and had a conversation that changed my course of thinking…and just the other day, I had a follow-up to that conversation that affirmed that what I am doing is right. Perhaps I’ll blog about the details later, right now, it’s just too new to discuss out loud, but I can’t help but be amazed that I’ve traveled this far in my life…done so much, just to have these three slivers of time, because all they are is slivers, determine the future I want to live.

It’s impossible not to note that perhaps the reason I recognized these moments for what they were is precisely because I’ve done all the things I have done. One could have not have existed without the other. It just strikes me weird that’s all. You would think that the things that shape our lives would be huge, earth-shattering events….not teeny fragments of time.

On another note, I am menstrual and therefore, feeling this way. The blogs about guidos, food, rude New Yorkers and excessive amounts of drinking will soon return. In the meantime, it's back to the fun stuff at work... a fact sheet about candle fountains! Yeah!!!!!!!

New BFF








So..this morning I made a new BFF. Serena Altschul, formerly of MTV News, currently of CBS News (I think...we're new BFF's, not old ones) called moi to get a cushion one of my clients manufactures. In case you do not know who Serena is, perhaps the photo will jog your memory. Before Gideon Gaygo, I mean Yago, there was Serena. Normally I only get the assistants to the stars, not the stars themselves. Today marks a new beginning in my degree of closeness to celebrity!

Perhaps this is negated by the fact that I have not called back the assistants to Marcia Cross and Alicia Keyes for weeks....however, Laurence Fishburne's assistant and I are likethis. Sweet.

That's about all I have time for today...don't be jealous, this job isn't that cool. Basically these celebs get S*** for free and I send it to them. It's not very glamorous...but it will greatly help the novel I'm trying to write. And getting no where with just yet. I mean, struggling to find the time to draft.....

Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

Chuck Norris can unscramble an egg.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

Chuck Norris' penis is so large that it actually warps the fabric of space-time. Indeed some physicists now theorise that the passage of time is mearly a byproduct of Norris' colossal erections. This is known as the "Chuck Norris' big cock theory of space-time".

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.
When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.

Chuck Norris scored a touchdown in hockey. The extra point was good.

Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.

As a teen Chuck Norris impregnated every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in professional football history.

To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.

Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.

If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the fuck down.

Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."

According to Einstein's theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday.

Achilles was supposedly the greatest warrior of all time, but he died because of his weak spot, the Achilles tendon. There is no Chuck Norris tendon.

Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.

At birth, Chuck Norris came out feet first so he could roundhouse kick the doctor in the face. Nobody delivers Chuck Norris but Chuck Norris.

Subway Adventures

As opposed to what most people might imagine, most of my commute on the subway each and every day is uneventful. However, it only takes one instance to remind you that we’re not in Kansas anymore.

Yesterday, my subway car was rather empty. The middle of the car was had no one standing there, all the poles were unoccupied…just the seats were all taken, as was a majority of the space against the door.

I walked into the car and went for my favorite spot, against the door…because there you can just lean back and you don’t have to touch anything. The lady behind me, I could tell wanted that spot…but too bad, you got on second and I got on first.

However, she decided not to take an empty space…but rather to stand right in front of me. I’m talking where my toe ended, her heel began. For those of you who don’t ride the subway, in this position , there is nothing to hold onto. There is a little seat handle that’s pretty low…in short, it makes no sense to stand there when the entire middle of the car is open.

I looked from left to right like Is this bitch crazy? She was so close I acutally couldn't even put my newspaper in front of me, I had to hold it to the side. I was flabbergasted...total invasion of my no-fly zone.

Sometimes, when something obviously weird to you happens on the subway, you can get the wink of understanding from a fellow normal passenger. However, everyone was buried in their newspapers/books/Ipods and I received no such wink. I suffered my fury in silence while everyone else just enjoyed their personal space.

Then when it was time to get off, the bitch didn’t even move. I shoved past her and knocking her off balance (just slightly, before everyone says, what’s wrong with you) gave me a great deal satisfaction. Maybe next time, she’ll realize if you want the door spot, you gotta beat me to it. But more than likely, that’s not going happen. If someday our paths cross again, bitch is going down.

The Buttermilk Unites Again....

As you graduate college, begin jobs and start working, it becomes harder and harder to see the friends you saw everyday for four years. For my group of friends, we’ve done an excellent job of keeping in touch via phone and e-mail, but unfortunately, haven’t had the whole group united since May 2003…to be exact...precisely since Ryan and I graduated and moved out of GVille.

But this past Christmas (and Hannukah for Gilad) the Buttermilks reunited in Orlando, Florida to celebrate Bmoney’s 25th Bday. An excellent time was had by all, especially by Brandon, who drank like a champ, ate pizza, managed to keep it all down and wake up first for breakfast the next day!

The following are some of the highlights from the trip, with the Milks and some special friends. Look for the 2nd annual Buttermilk reunion to take place in late ’06..hopefully at Florida/Georgia in Jacksonville....

Jeremy's Smile previews the night ahead.

Gilad and Amanda

Bird's eye view of Ryan "He's young, black and gorgeous!" Rawls

No idea what happened here, but I'm glad I caught this fantastic facial expression.

Str8 Gangsta.

New Friends. Posing. Only Hannah came out normal here.

Liawich! Score!

Jason and I take a moment to reflect...

...so Ryan did too.

Hannah and Jeremy Give "Blue Steel"

At some point during the evening, Joe acquired glasses.

The 25-year-olds...Brandon does not look amused by this.

Back in early December, we had a going away party for Aunt Patty to celebrate her move to Florida. I didn't add many of the pictures of people dancing, but if you use your imagination to see finger-pointing, disco-dancing and lots of singing shots- you're there.

Also, check out my discovery on the true relationship of Frosty and Santa- exposed!

The brown-eyed girls, right before Patty begins crying.

The cousins smile in the front, while Patty and Tweety scheme in the back...

I always suspected some underlying tension between Santa and Frosty...

...and I was right.

Even Peggy's cat got in on the fun.

Why is the Grass Greener?

Ever since the age of 18, I’ve been suffering from “grass is greener” syndrome. The idea in my head that no matter where I am, or no matter how well I’m doing, something else and somewhere else, would always have been better.

Seven years later, at the age of 25, I’ve discovered that I’m tired of playing this game and I just want to learn how to appreciate what I have, who I have, where I’m at. I thought the grass was greener in New York, and I learned that socially, yes you can’t beat it. But that’s not good enough. You have to live in New York in your space-economized apartments, work in New York with the most ambitious and career-oriented people you can possibly imagine, shop in New York for groceries where they may or may not carry your favorite brands, freshest fruits or best meats. Now don't get me wrong, I love it. I just don't love it enough. But I'm glad I did it. And now I want to go back to Florida where there is the 24/7 availability of the beach, bigger houses and the best grocery store of them all- Publix! But what’s my guarantee that when I get there, I won’t find myself longing for something else?

Perhaps you have to suffer through grass-is-greener syndrome in order to figure out what you want and where you want to be. If that’s the case, than I’ll be very happy in Florida. But the doubt still lingers in my mind and it drives me nuts. Or perhaps, age brings the realization that the grass is not indeed greener. That every place, every stage of life (every grocery store), has its pros and cons and you just have to learn to deal with them all. That no matter where you are there are going to be things you love, and you just have to make them outweigh the things you don’t.

The following are some of the highlights from my London and Dublin trip, entitled "Lia and Pia Go To Europe," back in mid-November. Although it's less than two months ago, it already feels like I went two years ago! I can't wait to go back and explore again.

Tomorrow- proof positive that my family is cooler than yours.

St. Patrick's Well, just behind St. Patrick's cathedral. Or as I like to call it, that big ass church in Dublin.

From left to right- Stephanie, Pia and Lia. Each holding our free Guiness. At only 125 calories per pint, it's just like SlimFast!!

The River Liffey in Dublin.

A good summary of nights in the hostel.

This was our tube stop. Mind the gap!

If you look very closely, you'll see a black and white hat in the rear window. That's the queen mothaf**kas!

New Year, New Blogs

I have been a horrible blogger the last month. Well really the last two months since I still haven’t put up my trip photos or anything. That ends with the New Year- new Year, new blogs!

I pushed myself a little too hard during our work’s winter break and I’m paying for it with a very sore throat, stuffy nose and overall discomfort today. I felt it coming on last night and sure enough, I barely slept and felt like crap this morning. Good thing it was fun, or I'd be pissed right now.

The good news is, I came up $200 short for my flexible spending medical account which means I get to go buy $200 worth of the good stuff tonight!!! Top-shelf medicine here I come!! Recovery surely to follow.

Coming soon are photos from my London/Dublin trip, trip to Orlando with the boys, Christmas, and others.

Happy New Year and Happy Reading to begin tomorrow!!

P.S. For all interested parties, tonight Tucker Max is celebrating his move to New York with the opening of his new club (not his, he's just an investor) Vapor. I would be going except for a.) the aforementioned going away party b.) they want like $35 even though its all you can drink but most importantly c.) I don't want to be like a total pro-ho (my term for girls who hang around professional athletes, famous people and whatnot) b/c that's just feeding his ego, which he needs no help feeding.

I will however, probably be making stops at this bar frequently in order to try and cop a sighting.

I am totally exhausted right now and cannot concentrate on one single thing. I’ve had a coffee, an iced tea and Coke and yet I could still fall asleep for like 12 hours straight. I can however, write this apparently, so maybe I should just call a spade, a spade and admit that I’m lazy. The good news is, I proved that I totally earned my promotion this week. I’ve been a wheelin, dealin, crazy busy PR girl…scoring hits, negotiating, coordinating, writing, I’ve been nuts. So I deserve to be tired on Friday.

By 11 a.m. I had already worked a full day. I had a fight with Dr. Widget via email, I worked my A$$ off to get info to a producer in New England who bumped my segment three minutes before it was going to start taping, I got an awards book out the door, continued being Ringleader for the committee coordinating the holiday party we have not yet booked and its next Friday…and a variety of other activities. It’s now 2 p.m. and I’m mentally dead - finito. I also had three beers last night at some dive bar with my co-workers which is not helping today. I got home at 10 a.m. all buzzed cause I hadn’t eaten, texted like a mad woman, ate some veggie salad and fell asleep. I woke up in the middle of the night dying of thirst…and as testament to how dehydrated I was (veggie salad was salty I guess…) I had drank three glasses of water in the middle of the night and never had to pee! That’s a first cause I normally go every 5 minutes.

Tonight I’m headed to NJ for the going away party of my aunt, uncle and cousin, provided my aunt actually is in NJ, b/c she was supposed to fly in this morning and this morning it was like winter wonderland outside. Otherwise, it’s a party for my uncle and cousin. My other cousin is supposed to pick me up at the ferry but she is currently missing in action. So I may very well be stranded at the ferry.

Of the high days and the low days that is my industry, today is definitely a low. Yesterday was a high when I kicked ass during a company-wide conference call. The weekend is not coming fast enough!!

Definitions

Yesterday was interesting in that I wound up discussing the idea of defining yourself with like three different people, all who brought the topic up to me. Perhaps it’s the impending holiday and New Year that’s making everyone so reflective, but it got me thinking on how I define myself…and why.

My friend M. and I didn’t actually “discuss” defining yourself, moreso than she blogged about it and I thought about it after I read it. Call that whatever you will, I’d like to think we telepathically discussed it. M.’s point focused on defining yourself by your husband, boyfriend or whatever, and how powerful women have men as accessories.

Which led to a discussion a shortwhile later among co-workers, including upper management, about defining yourself by your work. Many women in New York do define themselves by their jobs, just as equally as the men do. They are the heads of businesses, they have no children, they may or may not have a husband and for all intents and purposes their work is their life. They see their employees more than they see their sick moms, their young children, more than they see their husband who is working just as much. It’s an interesting way to live, looking at it from the outside, as I currently do.

And then I know many women who define themselves by their families. Who work to be able to give their children all the opportunities in the world, to take wonderful vacations, to chat with their friends each and every day.

And then P. and I discussed the possible blending of all three things. Is it possible to define yourself by your work, your spouse and your family? Will any of these three inevitably get short-changed? Even now, when women are more powerful than ever, are we still forced to make the choice between having a booming career and having a happy family? It’s hard to say.

In South Florida I knew one woman who thought she was doing a good job, but I thought she was failing miserably. When she was at work, she was on the phone with the nanny. When she was at home, she was calling into work. Whenever I asked how her kids were doing, she responded “Oh…driving me crazy!” And I always thought, how sad that she can never just say, “They are great, thank you for asking!” Rather, she turned the question on herself. She was going crazy, perhaps the kids were just fine.

And up here, where a woman with kids more than likely works for a woman without, I see the struggle within- staying late to finish that presentation or tucking the kids into bed. More often that not, I see the light on in the office.

A friend of mine, who is working his way up the ranks of managing a hedge fund, told me not so long ago that he was happy he had two female bosses. I asked him if it was because women were more understanding and nurturing as bosses, which has been my experience, and he told me no, because they leave the workplace after they have kids, which opens the door for him to go to right up the ranks. It struck me as so awful, because it was probably the truth! Even in my line of work, the number women who return to work after having babies is low and that bothers me tremendously. I have no idea what I will do when it comes time…but the trend, at least around the working professionals I hang around with, seems pretty clear.

So I ask again, how do we define ourselves among these choices? Internally, at this stage in my life, I define myself by my family and my work, and I hope I project both of those equally. My question is…will I always and at what cost?

First Christmas Tree
So last night, I bought my first Christmas tree, it’s so cute. Just 3 1/2 feet tall and fits perfectly in the corner of my living room. Before I bought it, I got prepared and bought Christmas ornaments and lights. Then I picked up the tree and headed home. It was so light, I could carry it in my hand. And the way home, some little man, there was something wrong with him, but he was so cute, he looked the tree up and down and then said, “Nice Tree.” So cute! I was like “Thanks!!!

I got the tree home and up all five flights of stairs with not a needle lost. I get in the stand and get it standing up. I was so proud I took a picture, which is coming soon. I then decided I’d get to work on the lights.

Paying no attention whatsoever, I took the lights out of the box and started to unwind them. An hour later I had a huge knot, but I just figured I had messed up somewhere and that I had to get through the worst to get to the better. Two hours later, I’m watching Inside the Mind of a Serial Killer and I’m not quite aware I’m still untangling. Three hours later, I’m watching Law & Order and although I’m not quite sure why I’m still untangling I continue to do so. Four hours later, and I’m just beginning CSI when Annette comes home. I inform her I’ve been untangling for four hours and she sits down to help. About 25 minutes later, she picks up the box to see how the hell these things are supposed to be. She then informs me I’m a moron and that the lights are mesh. They’re supposed to be this net. I vaguely remember that when I took them out of the box, they were shaped in concentric circles. As it turns out, you’re supposed to put the top of the tree through the center and the lights drape down, so it looks like you strung lights through the branches, but in fact, you did not. FUUUUUUUCK. I untangled for FOUR HOURS. At least I thought I was untangling. I was in fact, destroying the lights. Which were beyond repair and instead of spending their first lighting on the tree, spent them in the trash. Luckily they were only $3.99 which may also be why those bitches didn’t come with DIRECTIONS. THANK YOU VERY MUCH RITE AID!!!

Alex Trebek
No one person on Earth inspires such hatred in me as Alex Trebek, though I continue to watch Jeopardy, but only to test my own knowledge. If he had a massive heart attack and died right during a Daily Double, I’d stand up and cheer. I hate the way he has to pretend like he knows all the accents when the answer involved another language b/c A.) He does not know all the accents and B.) He sucks at accents. I also hate the way he pretends like he knew the answer when someone answers incorrectly. He’s so condescending, like “Nooooo Mary, I’m sorry. The correct answer is, “What is Mount Kilomanjaro?” Then he always repeats with a useless fact, just to “impress” us, like “Mount Kilomanjaro, located in the Iberian Peninsula, lovely place.” FUCK YOU ALEX!! Like everyone at home doesn’t know you have the f*ing answer on a computer screen in front of you! And no one cares what you think of the Iberian Peninsula. God I hate him!

Anyways, last night, the first round opens and Alex actually says, “Get ‘er done.” I was like what the fuck??? Did Alex just say Get ‘er done??? Now we’re supposed to think he’s hip AND smart??? Can’t you just die already Alex? Die!

Whatever Happened to My Tolerance?

Ever since I began working, my social life Sunday-Thursday totally disappeared. At first, this was very traumatic to me, as during college, I very much had a drinking and dancing schedule that absolutely required me to be in various bars and clubs every night of the week except Sunday, motivated by the fear of missing the best night ever. That was back when I was young and spry and could still take notes after getting home at 4 a.m. and waking up at 7:30 a.m. One time, I actually did not even go to sleep and studied for a test I had at 8. I got an A. Jesus H. Christ are those days looong gone.

Or are they? Lately I have been trying to figure out why it’s so damn difficult to not have a fuzzy head when you go out during the week. I was never warned that there would come a day where I could not concentrate if I had a few drinks the night before. Didn’t I deserve some kind of ticker counting down the days until I was officially old? Doesn’t everyone? Did I just lose the amazing tolerance and mental capacity I obviously possessed ages 18-22? I was fed up. So I have attempted to turn back time the last two months or so with the implementation of “Thursday is the New Friday” happy hour at work, which has been a resounding success, if I don’t say so myself. We defy convention and go out on Thursdays, not only because Friday sucks, but because it helps prove you can go out during the week and not want to kill yourself the next day.

Last night, I decided to one up myself and went out drinking on a Wednesday. I have been humbled. Spaced out over a four-hour period, I had two beers and two glasses of wine. I ate dinner. I drank water. Goddamit I did everything right!!! Why, then, oh why, do I feel like I could die right in my chair right this second? I am so tired, my eyes could very literally fall right out of my head and roll out across my desk. This sucks and I hate it. I actually had to lay down for 15 minutes at lunch time to rest my eyes. WHAT THE HELL.

I am going to cowboy up though and go out for happy hour tonight, and my mission is to last at least one drink. Stay tuned for my impending death by exhaustion.

Back in the Daily Grind

So…I’m back at work and surprisingly not as bitter about it as I expected. There were a few things that slipped off the radar before I left, and yes, I got called out about it, but what can you do. It sucks but this time it has rolled off my back much faster than it has in the past. There is only one of me and I only have so much time.

Anyways, I was in my first new business presentation this morning where I actually had a speaking role. I only had to present one slide and by the amount I practiced, you would think I was giving the whole damn presentation. But it went off without a hitch and I was told I did extremely well. So big pat on the back for me for my first time actually speaking at a presentation! It’s like being a doctor and performing surgery alone for the first time. In a way. Kind of. Okay, it’s not really the same, but it’s the same difference! I had to totally psych myself out by saying things like "Is this like giving the Presidential address? No. If you did give the Presidential address would you kick ass? Yes." and..."If you mess up, will anyone blow up, die or be injured in any way? No." And I guess that worked.

Tonight is the Christmas Tree lighting at Rockefeller Center and once again, I doubt I’ll be able to make it. I’ve slowly come to learn that to do anything fun in New York, it’s probably better not to live here. You have to come on vacation. Work is holding me back from all the good times, with the exception of 6th street Indian Food and beer! Oh the irony!

The next few weeks promise to be very busy, with multiple Christmas parties, including my own for work. I love Christmas parties. It’s the only time of year I get to play a little game I like to call, “Whose Going to Make a Complete Asshole Out of Themselves This Year.” I make internal bets and then see if I won. Best. Game. Ever.

Back and in Full Effect

After a two week hiatus (my fingers get tired you know) LiaLia is back, rested and in full effect!

Normally, I don’t like to get introspective on here. I like to make it seem as if my life is nothing but fun and games, getting annoyed during work, shameless self-absorption, drinking alcohol and non-stop good times. And most of the time, that’s pretty true. However, the last two weeks have been among the most interesting of my life- from my first trip to Europe to a re-examination of all those close to me. My week in Europe was filled with adventure, fun, introspection, nervousness, sadness, excitement and intrigue. My week in sunny Boca Raton was filled with all that and more. Go fucking figure!! I learned more about my family and friends this particular week than I thought I ever could. More on that to come b/c let’s face it, my realizations about life are not why people read this. However, I’m excited for the upcoming holidays and new year. By all appearances, if I thought 2005 was busy, 2006 should be off the chain!

Back on the Clock - goddamit

I’m back to work tomorrow for the first time in like 16 days and I’m somewhat excited about it. I’m sure that by tomorrow afternoon, roughly around this time, I’ll be f*ing stressed out and pissed off, but right here, at this moment, I am looking forward to getting back into the daily grind. Although, the ideal life would be going to brunch, the beach, Starbucks and to bars like I have been doing the last few days. Gotta keep cracking on my book to make that dream a reality! Yay for a college education and feminine advancement! This is what my new aspirations consist of.

Anyways, I’m off to the scrapbooking store to load up on crap for the scrapbook I have not yet started, even though I bought it like two years ago.

Peace out til tomorrow when I’m back up in the NY to tha C.

It's E-Day!

This is my version of D-Day, where instead of D for Doom or whatever it was meant for, I change it to E for Europe. The day has arrived and if I don't say so myself, I have been the model in efficiency of planning and emergency preparedness! I have a towel, blowdryer, snacks, nightclub clothes, bar clothes, sightseeing clothes, makeup, jewelry, scarves and toiletries to handle any whim that we may have.

Now, if I can just sleep on the plane, I'll be good to go!

New Years, Part Two

Gil is now included in my Happy New Year's festivities. Gil, welcome aboard! Ya'll this boy can dance, which we heart. And, he is fun. He uses curse words with regularity and can drink better than anyone. The perfect addition!

E-mail Blasts
If you'd like to be included on the e-mail blasts my co-workers demanded, leave a comment saying so. It's like blogs on the go. I need your e-mail address though. If you think I'm Carrie Bradshaw here in New York, lawd you know nothing yet.

Ok so much work to get done so until next week when I can recount my trip in its entirety, I bid you cheerio.

Dr. Widget

So I work with this vendor from time to time, we'll call him Dr. Widget, who goes on television shows and discusses our clients. I don't really work with him directly, my supervisor does more of the wheeling and dealing, but ever since we've begun work with him, something has bothered me tremendously.

Dr. Widget is his stage name. In real life, he has a regular name, let's just say its Tom Smith. When he calls, do you know what he introduces himself as? Dr. Widget. Signs his emails as Dr. Widget. Asks his mail to be addressed to Dr. Widget. I only take issue with one tiny thing - Dr. Widget is NOT A DOCTOR.

I refuse to address him as Dr. anything. When he calls I say Hello, Tom. When I email its Dear Tom. And when I send packages its to Mr. Tom Smith.

But he refuses to call himself otherwise. I am not sure if he knows we are locked in a battle that neither one of us refuses to back down from. Perhaps in real life, his neighbors and local grocery store clerk call him Dr. Widget and I'm the only one who takes extreme offense. NOT ON MY WATCH PAL!!!

If I began to choke on a piece of fruit in front of Dr. Widget, would he be able to do the Heimlich Maneuver and save my life?

If I was to require an emergency trachaeotomy because my windpipe had been crushed, could Dr. Widget perform this medical surgery?

If I broke my leg in a horrific cycling accident, would Dr. Widget know the first thing to do?

NO HE WOULDN'T BECAUSE HE'S NOT A DOCTOR.

How starved are you for attention and how big of a DORK must you be, that you actually have to tout yourself as a doctor, when you're not??

Hey, I have an idea...everyone just start calling me Officer Lia because you know what? I'd like to be a police officer. I just don't want to go to the Police Academy for training. Or wear a uniform, carry a gun and be responsible for the protection and well-being of my fellow citizens. I just think people would think more highly of me as Officer Lia.

Or better yet, call me Professor Lia. Only I don't teach anything, work in academia or publish in journals. I just like the way it sounds.

I hope one day he does get in the situation where he can't help anyone because he has no medical training. And they say, but aren't you Dr. Widget? And he has to say, No! I'm just Tom Smith! Maybe then he'll stop.

Days Until Europe- 2

So last night I bought the most beautiful Jansport BackPack as a symbol of all the world traveling yet to come. Compliments of Mom and Dad for my birthday.

Tonight's mission is to finalize my packing list and prepare for my final load of laundry. Can't wait for tomorrow, when its T-minus-One and counting.

* Note, I meant to post this yesterday, but forgot to press publish!

Mexican Food

I've come to terms with the fact that most of this blog deals with food and my obsession with it. Every once in a while, I throw in a story about this or that, but somewhere or another, I usually wind up discussing my various gastronomic adventures. But I'm cool with that and so it shall remain. In ten years I may very well be blogging about my adventures with Jenny Craig and the Weight Watchers crew, but for now, while I'm young, carefree and in complete disregard of my everlasting health. I work out- and I'd like to think that for every bite that goes into my mouth, I negate it on the treadmill. I'll never have a six pack, but I'll never have a gut. And that's fine by me.

Last night, because I knew I was in for the long-haul at work, I ordered myself guacamole and a chicken enchilada. And they were delicious. But not as delicious as they are today because Mexican food is always better the second day. Why is that? No other food, in my experience, is better the second time around. Chinese is kind of...but it's a very distant second to Mexican. It's possibly one of the great mysteries of the world.

Days Until L & P's European Adventure- Four

On today's to-do list is confirm why my hostel has not yet confirmed my reservation. I know they are working on it, because if they are not, I'll die.

Buy a backpack- to symbolize the beginning of all the world traveling I'm going to do!

New Years

Just found out Maria and JC will be in New York for New Year's!!! New Year's is normally my very LEAST favorite holiday, I've never had a fun one. I had one once that was almost fun, until I got belligerently drunk and challenged a ginormous girl to a fight. Which she accepted and then I ran away. So that means now Olivia, Maria, JC, Annette and I, possibly Nick will all be together which is a recipe for success! More than likely Annette and I will wind up having to kiss one another (haha, hand-over-mouth-Hollywood-style of course) but hey, that's okay as long as its all in the name of a good time!

Big Thanks

A big huge thank you to everyone who showed up for LiaPalooza 2005, my semi-surprise birthday party. It meant a lot to me that you took the time out to show up and celebrate my birth! Love to all.

Countdown to Lia's Third Trip Out of the United States, not on a Cruise Ship

It's hard to believe that in almost, nearly 25 years on Planet Earth, I have not yet seen the pyramids of Egypt, the Great Wall of China or the Dead Sea...or any other of the seven wonders of the world. I did make a Life's To-Do list when I was seven because I read everyone should do so in Reader's Digest. Oh what I wouldn't give to know where that list is today. Besides those big dreams, it probably included stuff like owning a Power Wheel and meeting Rainbow Brite (oh wait, I did do that in the San Diego Zoo- hahahahaha, I was so nerdy and cool!)

Anyways, I move one step closer to having personal knowledge of international things THIS FRIDAY!!! I've waited my whole life to go to Europe and NOW I AM GOING!!!! I wasn't excited up until this point, only because I felt it was so far away and I hadn't planned anything yet. But the majority of my weekend was spent booking hostels and planning itineraries- and now it's real. My first times out of the US were on cruise ships...and that so doesn't count because you don't even need your passport to get off the boat. Que boring. My second, official trip out of the US was to Caracas, Venezuela earlier this year. And that was SUPER awesome. But my dream has always been to go to Europe and isn't the third time the charm? London is destination numero uno. And land of my ancestors (and explanation for my love of corned beef and beer)- Dublin- is destination numero dos.

More on this later, as I can't actually go on vacation if I don't do any work today. Lates!

If I Had To Be Anyone Other Than Myself

I’ve often wondered…if I had to choose to be someone else on Earth for just one day…who would I be?

Would I be an anonymous rich person and just go blow a bunch of cash and have the best day ever? Starting in a hot air balloon over Greek islands and ending with dinner on top of the Eiffel tower?

Would I be a celebrity so that just for one day I could experience everyone in the world knowing my name?

Would I be a famous person from history so that I could live out something that changed the world? Like my homie Abe Lincoln giving the Emancipation Proclamation or something like that?

Maybe one of the above, maybe none of the above. How could you choose? I never knew if I could..until…my coworker sent me to a Web site.

www.tuckermax.com. It changed my life.

Tucker Max is from Boca (like me). His family owns Max’s Grille, my FAVORITE happy hour spot in South Florida. I spent many a middle school night outside the Max’s Grille in Mizner Park waiting to be old enough to go inside. Some of you may have even been there with me, pulling stunts to pass the time.

Tucker Max is a man whore- and although I wouldn’t want to be a whore in this life or anyone else’s life….if you are going to be a whore you might as well be funny about it. And he is beyond funny- he’s hilarious.

I think, as a wannabe writer, it’s super hard to be funny in the printed word. TUCKER MAX IS A GENIUS. If I have one-tenth of the adventure he has (and you all know I’m working on it) I’ll be a happy camper.

Anyway- check it out- the one person I would be if I could be anyone else. www.tuckermax.com.

Speaking of adventure, be looking forward to the post-weekend blog and I’m sure you all know why.

Peace!

Worst Two Days Ever

Only those of you out there who are in the same line of work as me will truly understand my distress about the following. Yesterday I had it all planned out to leave by 6 (wayyyy early for me), go to the gym, eat dinner and get in bed by 10 with my new book- The Alchemist. Even though I bought the ENTIRE works of Jane Austen, for some reason I’m not as excited to read them as I was when I was feeling high-minded on BarnesandNoble.com.

Anyway, at almost 5 p.m. on the dot, our client calls to tell us she’ll be in town tomorrow and wants to meet at 9:30! AM!!! Not only did I have to finish a release that had been sitting at my desk to be finished, but I had to update our activity grid, create the folders for the meeting, rush to find the assistant to set up breakfast. Que horrific!!

On the way home, we jump into a taxi who has NO idea how to get cross town through the Halloween parade (and if you think NY has freaks on a normal day, you’ve obviously never been propositioned by a 300-pound Fanta “Girl” in NYC on Halloween). We jump out one half hour and one block later, and we weren’t going to pay but then the guilt got the best of me and I threw him $4. It’s not his fault he’s AN IDIOT. Anyways, then I had to walk THROUGH the parade crowds to get to the subway. Horrible. Such WIERDOS! I still made it to the gym, but it was 8:30. Not only that but my iPod wouldn’t turn on –HORROR OF ALL HORRORS IT’S BRAND NEW, I was starving and my timetable was totally thrown off.

Instead of being in bed at 10, I was in bed at midnight, but not before I had totally wasted my time playing Snood instead of cooking a real dinner, instead I had a bag of edamame…again. I forgot I had taped Grey’s Anatomy and totally wasted my time watching something I don’t remember. Ugh! How could I forget?? Dr. Alex- I heart you! Then, P. came home with her brother looking to watch Chapelle’s show and it’s like Red Balls to me…Shazaam! I just have to watch. She also brought home ice cream. Peanut Butter. I couldn’t resist splitting it with her. And I just realized A. left me a Princess Leia (haha, get it?) cupcake which I ate too. Thank God I went to the gym to negate everything I did after I left!

Anyways, I hate it when I have my night planned and then it totally goes wrong! I did everything right!!!

I then woke up on Tuesday, super early, because of aforementioned client meeting. Got to work, started the meeting and everything was going a-okay until I realized I was going to be totally sick. So I ran to the bathroom, puked up my breakfast, grabbed a breath mint and went back to the meeting. Ten minutes later, same thing. I saw it through to the end and then got sent home. Of course, traffic was horrible and I was stuck in the cab for like 45 minutes trying not to get sick all over the place. I finally made it home, c crashed on my couch watching the E! True Hollywood Story of Goldie Hawn and Kate Hudson- and I got totally depressed b/c their lives are so freaking awesome.

Anyways, I finally gathered the strength to eat something (guacamole, natch) and then I passed out again. I woke up and went to the gym to get my blood flowing. My gym boyfriend was there- hooray! I then went home, attempted to watch Grey’s Anatomy except, due to the oldness of our TV, when we put the show on mute so we could go to sleep- the TAPE MUTED TOO. DOES ANYONE OUT THERE HAVE THIS TAPED???? PLEASE SEND IT TO APARTMENT 5C WE ARE DYING!!!!!!!

Then P. and A. had to do something para mi cumpleanos, entonces, I went to my room to read the Alchemist- which is awesome thus far! As a matter of fact, I made it three quarters of the way through the book in an hour. It’s not very long. I attempted to go to sleep around 10 but didn’t fall asleep until like 11:30 b/c the temperature in my room was neither hot nor cold and I couldn’t get comfortable. Not even one leg out of the blanket worked- my usual trick! Instead, I was half wrapped in my comforter, half not. It was horrible.

Then, in the middle of the night I woke up and my throat was on fire. Worst night’s sleep ever!!!!

Today, needless to say, I am slightly cranky. :(