Jack Bauer Rules!

If you liked the Chuck Norris facts, and you watch 24, you will love these. If you don't watch 24 you will still love these. Why? Because Jack Bauer said so.

PS- I do not write these myself. I don't have that kind of time. I think they are randomly generated "facts." However, if I do one day find out that a person wrote these, they will have my undying devotion. And quite possibly, my hand in marriage.


If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Nina twice.

If everyone on "24" followed Jack Bauer's instructions, it would be called "12".

Upon hearing that he was played by Kiefer Sutherland, Jack Bauer killed Sutherland. Jack Bauer gets played by no man.

Jack Bauers calender goes from March 31st to April 2nd. No one fools Jack Bauer.

If you wake up in the morning, it's because Jack Bauer spared your life.

All men are created equal. They are all vastly inferior to Jack Bauer.

Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.

Jack Bauer's house has an alarm system -- not to warn Jack of intruders, but to warn the intruders of Jack.

When Kim Bauer lost her virginity, Jack Bauer found it and put it back.

If it tastes like chicken, looks like chicken, and feels like chicken, but Jack Bauer says its beef. Then it's fucking beef.

Superman wears Jack Bauer pajamas.

When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. Jack Bauer fucking hates lemonade.

1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.

Tony was once shot in the neck, rushed to the hospital, underwent emergency surgery and was back on the job in just a few hours. Jack Bauer still can't believe that pussy went to the hospital first.
Lets get one thing straight, the only reason you are conscious right now is because Jack Bauer does not feel like carrying you.

Jack Bauer doesn't speak any foreign languages, but he can make any foreigner speak English in a matter of minutes.

Jack Bauer played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer.

Jack Bauer once won a game of Connect 4 in 3 moves.

It's no use crying over spilt milk... Unless that was Jack Bauer's milk. Oh you are so screwed.

Jack Bauer is the leading cause of death in Middle Eastern men.

Osama bin Laden's recent proposal for truce is a direct result of him finding out that Jack Bauer is, in fact, still alive.

Jack Bauer is the 'i' in team.

Jack Bauer doesn't miss. If he didn't hit you it's because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.

Nobody says 'hit me' when Jack Bauer deals Blackjack.

If Rosa Parks was in Jack Bauer's seat, she'd move to the back of the bus.

Killing Jack Bauer doesn't make him dead. It just makes him angry.

Every mathematical inequality officially ends with "< Jack Bauer".

When Google can't find something, it asks Jack Bauer for help.

Superman's only weakness is Kryptonite. Jack Bauer laughs at Superman for having a weakness.

If Jack Bauer misspells a word, your dictionary is wrong.
Simon Says should be renamed to Jack Bauer Says because if Jack Bauer says something then you better fucking do it.

Jack Bauer killed 93 people in just 4 days time. Wait, that is a real fact.

Jack Bauer's favorite color is severe terror alert red. His second favorite color is violet, but just because it sounds like violent.

Jack Bauer removed the "Escape" button from his keyboard. Jack Bauer never needs to escape.

Jack Bauer once double teamed a girl.. by himself.

On a high school math test, Jack Bauer put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because Jack Bauer solves all his problems with Violence.

When President Palmer quit to start doing Allstate commercials, it took him 43 takes before he could stop saying, "You're in good hands with Jack Bauer".

When you open a can of whoop-ass, Jack Bauer jumps out.

When Jack Bauer was a child, he made his mother finish his vegetables.

Jack Bauer's first job was as a waiter, he was fired soon after. Jack Bauer takes orders from no one.

In 96 hours, Jack Bauer has killed 93 people and saved the world 4 times. What the fuck have you done with your life?

Men are ok with their wives fantasizing about Jack Bauer during sex; because they are doing the same thing.

When the boogie man goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Jack Bauer.

Jesus died and rose from the dead in 3 days. It took Jack Bauer less than an hour. And he's done it twice.

In high school Jack Bauer was voted "Most Likely to Kill the Foreign Kid"... and "Best Eyes."

Jack Bauer doesn't play the game SORRY. Jack Bauer apologizes to no one.

Jack Bauer can get McDonald's breakfast after 10:30.

There are no such thing as lesbians, just women who never met Jack Bauer.

You can lead a horse to water. Jack Bauer can make him drink.

Jack Bauer knows Victoria's secret.

Jack Bauer got Hellen Keller to talk.

Sun Tzu once wrote, "If your enemy is weaker, conquer him. If he is stronger, join him. If he is Jack Bauer, you're fucking dead."

Guns dont kill people, Jack Bauer kills people.

There is the right way, the wrong way, and the Jack Bauer way. It's basically the right way but faster and more deaths.

If Jack Bauer was gay, his name would be Chuck Norris.

Finding Nemo would have been vastly more exciting had Jack Bauer been looking for him.

In kindergarten, Jack Bauer killed a terrorist for Show and Tell.

If you're holding a gun to Jack Bauer's head, don't count to three before you shoot. Count to 10. That way, you get to live 7 seconds longer.

What color is Jack Bauer's blood? Trick question. Jack Bauer does not bleed.