Definitions

Yesterday was interesting in that I wound up discussing the idea of defining yourself with like three different people, all who brought the topic up to me. Perhaps it’s the impending holiday and New Year that’s making everyone so reflective, but it got me thinking on how I define myself…and why.

My friend M. and I didn’t actually “discuss” defining yourself, moreso than she blogged about it and I thought about it after I read it. Call that whatever you will, I’d like to think we telepathically discussed it. M.’s point focused on defining yourself by your husband, boyfriend or whatever, and how powerful women have men as accessories.

Which led to a discussion a shortwhile later among co-workers, including upper management, about defining yourself by your work. Many women in New York do define themselves by their jobs, just as equally as the men do. They are the heads of businesses, they have no children, they may or may not have a husband and for all intents and purposes their work is their life. They see their employees more than they see their sick moms, their young children, more than they see their husband who is working just as much. It’s an interesting way to live, looking at it from the outside, as I currently do.

And then I know many women who define themselves by their families. Who work to be able to give their children all the opportunities in the world, to take wonderful vacations, to chat with their friends each and every day.

And then P. and I discussed the possible blending of all three things. Is it possible to define yourself by your work, your spouse and your family? Will any of these three inevitably get short-changed? Even now, when women are more powerful than ever, are we still forced to make the choice between having a booming career and having a happy family? It’s hard to say.

In South Florida I knew one woman who thought she was doing a good job, but I thought she was failing miserably. When she was at work, she was on the phone with the nanny. When she was at home, she was calling into work. Whenever I asked how her kids were doing, she responded “Oh…driving me crazy!” And I always thought, how sad that she can never just say, “They are great, thank you for asking!” Rather, she turned the question on herself. She was going crazy, perhaps the kids were just fine.

And up here, where a woman with kids more than likely works for a woman without, I see the struggle within- staying late to finish that presentation or tucking the kids into bed. More often that not, I see the light on in the office.

A friend of mine, who is working his way up the ranks of managing a hedge fund, told me not so long ago that he was happy he had two female bosses. I asked him if it was because women were more understanding and nurturing as bosses, which has been my experience, and he told me no, because they leave the workplace after they have kids, which opens the door for him to go to right up the ranks. It struck me as so awful, because it was probably the truth! Even in my line of work, the number women who return to work after having babies is low and that bothers me tremendously. I have no idea what I will do when it comes time…but the trend, at least around the working professionals I hang around with, seems pretty clear.

So I ask again, how do we define ourselves among these choices? Internally, at this stage in my life, I define myself by my family and my work, and I hope I project both of those equally. My question is…will I always and at what cost?