The Best Story Ever is Developing

The Day I Get to Go to the Colbert Report in a Bald Eagle Costume

In what might be the best developing story of my life...tomorrow I'm going to be making a visit to the Colbert Report...handing out nutritional bars...in a bald eagle costume. I'm getting paid to do this. I'm getting paid a lot. I'm not saying anymore until I have photos and a story to go with it. But obviously, this is going to be one of the best stories ever.

Old Men Wearing Suits

Is there anything cuter than a little old man wearing a three piece suit in the city? Whenever I see one, I get all happy inside and have to resist the urge to run over and give them a hug. If one day, a Model T happens to roll by as I'm watching an old man in a three-pieced suit walk past me, and then a milkman strolls by and says "good morning," I think I'll just die of happiness. Whenever I see one, I wish that NYC was still full of men wearing three-piece suits, top hats and pocket watches...until I realize that would mean women would probably be wearing corsets and pinafores. It may be worth it.

The thought of that reminds me of a situation I found myself in six weeks ago at the Painted Desert National Park. I found myself in a bathroom full of Amish woman adjusting their bonnets. I was wearing jeans, a wife beater and a zip-up hoodie that took that moment to decide and fall off my shoulder...giving me a disheveled look. All I could think to myself was, "Oh my god they must think you are such a slut in this outfit" even though:

a.) I totally was not and
b.) They were wearing bonnets for Christsakes

But of more importance to me at that moment was one thought - "how the f*&% did they get here in the first place??" I didn't recall seeing any horses and buggies in the parking lot, so I finished my business and left the bathroom to investigate. When I walked out, my three friends were staring in shock/wonder/amazement at the Amish man asking somewhat stupid questions of the nerdy Painted Desert employee. It was just so out of place. The Amish girls gave me another good looking-over when they realized a girl was traveling in a pack of three boys. At this point though I had bigger fish to fry - first of all, there was one man and like eight girls - no one looked old enough to be the wife and he didn't look old enough to be their father, which begged the question - are the Amish polygamists? No one knew. I also had to fight the strongest urge to yell out Ebenezer! Sarah! Rachel! Just to see if anyone would turn around.

My friends and I then cased the parking lot for any clue as to how the Amish may have arrived in ARIZONA and upon seeing nothing out of the ordinary, concluded that they must have rollerbladed there. From Pennsylvania.

Snakes on a Plane

Is anyone else totally pumped about seeing this? I am so there.

42 Hits

Yesterday was my biggest day ever for hits - 42 in all! Since pimping myself out in bald eagle costumes is not exactly the life work I had in mind, feel free to pass this link to anyone you see fit. Particularly friends who may work in publishing. That way I can get a book deal, or a Candace Bushnell-like column in the Post, and you can say you knew me when. :)