L. and P. Star in: There’s a Mouse in the House

The Date: October 18, 2006.
The Place: New York, New York
Starring: Lia, as herself. P., as herself.
Narrated by: Lia.

Yesterday, after a quick happy hour with former co-workers, I was on my way home when I received a call from my roommate that bordered on hysteria.

Before I go into what the call was about, I should first recount what happened to me that morning. I was half-asleep making my morning coffee and I went to take down the sugar from the kitchen shelf where it resides. Somehow, no idea, I had no glasses on or contacts in, so I was flying blind…literally…I missed. The sugar container, and the crouton container beneath it, went flying. Sugar and croutons spilled everywhere. I’m talking all over the counter beneath the shelf, all over the floor, all over me and into the living room. I was already running late, the LAST thing I felt like dealing with was cleaning up sugar from everywhere…but because the thought of ants and bugs having a party in the sugar made me sick, I started to clean up. Three vacuum and sweeping sessions later, I believed I had gotten it all. “Thank you Dyson,” I said, and I left the house.

Fast-forward about eight hours, and my roommate P. is calling me. I’m just starting the walk home. The conversation sounded something like this.

Me: What do you want? I hate you. (This is our typical hello.)

P: Ohmygod, helphelphelp.

Me: (Very concerned.) P, slow down, what’s wrong? Are you hurt? Are you ok?

P: I saw, I saw….

(My phone cuts off! Because my phone sucks!) (Phone rings again)

Me: P, are you ok? Are you hurt? What’s the matter?

P: A mouse! A mouse just ran across the kitchen! I’m standing on the couch! I don’t know what to do! Get cleaning supplies!

Me: Oh my god, oh my god, I spilled sugar everywhere this morning. I can’t believe it. Oh my god, I just threw up in my mouth, that is so gross.

P: (Calms down considerably.) You spilled sugar this morning?

Me: Yes, everywhere. That’s probably why the mouse is there.

P: Mice eat sugar?

Me: I have no idea.

P: I wonder if mice eat sugar.

Me: Hmm, I don’t know. Good question.

P: You better not tell A.

Me: I know.

P: Actually she doesn’t even use the sugar.

Me: But she uses the croutons that I spilled underneath it.

P: True.

Me: We’re off-topic. Where is the mouse now?

P: (Hysterical again). I don’t know! It ran toward the refrigerator! And then went underneath! Get something to kill it with!

Me: Hold on! I’m by Duane Reade. Give me 20 minutes and I’ll be home!

P: Hurry! (click.)

I ran through Duane Reade like a madwoman, grabbing papertowels and toilet paper…(we needed both anyways) and then of course, I stopped in the beauty aisle to grab two new shades of nail polish that I wanted. This is hardly what one should buy when you need to kill a mouse. I don’t know what I was thinking. That I would kill the mouse by rolling it up in Bounty? That maybe, once I caught the mouse, I could paint it’s nails a cute new shade of plum for fall? But in my rush, this is what I brought home.

I then speedwalked home to find P. on the couch staring at the kitchen.

Me: Where is it?

P: Still in there somewhere, I don’t know.

Me: (out of breath and sweating up a storm): Ok, I’m going to get changed and I’m going to get him.

P: You are a badass.

So I put my hair up, put my PJ pants and T-shirt on, put on flip-flops and hit the kitchen cabinets. Inside, I hear a vile, vile, scratching sound coming from deep inside. I should also note, that in the two-year duration that we’ve lived in this apartment, we have never so much as seen a mouse (except twice, on the bottom floor) nevermind have one in our house. We get the occasional cockroach, which normally involves someone yelling, someone grabbing a shoe, smashing the cockroach, doing a heebie-jeebie dance, yelling for someone else to grab the body, throwing in the trash and then a yelling/jumping combination again from being grossed out. Bugs we have down pat. Mice? No idea.

Me: Mice don’t have spines, how do you kill one?

P: Mice don’t have spines?

Me: No!

P: How the f*** are we going to get it?

Me: I think you can scare mice to death.

P: Haha, just stick your face in there then.

(laughter)

Me: (Grabbing the mop). I know, I’ll just beat him to death.

P: What if you miss?

Me: I don’t know. Dammit, I should have bought a mousetrap!

P: Do you think Joseph has mousetraps? (Joseph is our 60-something-years-old super who always tries to grab or brush up against P’s chest.)

Me: Probably. You go down there, he’s your boyfriend.

P: No! Gross! He’ll give me a mousetrap and then grab my boobs!

Me: Do you want to kill the mouse then?

P: Be right back.

So P. runs out and I’m staring at the kitchen cabinets. I hit them again. I hear the mouse inside. I take a deep breath and say out loud, “I’m going to kick your ass!”

I open the cabinet a peep, and start taking things out one by one, and then slamming the door shut in between. I figured one of two things. I’ll trap it in there. And I’ll remove every object it can use for cover.

P. comes back in, sans mousetrap.

P: Ugh, Joseph answered the door in a silk robe.

Me: A silk robe?

P: Yes, it was disgusting.

Me: Who does he think he is? Hugh fucking Hefner? Did he have a mousetrap?

P: No, he said he’d send the exterminator up tomorrow.

We both roll our eyes because that won’t happen. We haven’t seen the exterminator in months.

P. notices the stuff outside of the cabinets.

P: What are you doing?

Me: I don’t know! I don’t know how to kill a mouse!

P: You kick ass. Good luck with that.

So, I’m taking things out one by one, but after a while, I don’t hear the mouse anymore. So I turn to P. and say, “I don’t hear the mouse anymore.”

P: Is it in my room? I’ll kill you!

Me: Did you see it run past me and run into your room?

P: Hmmm…no, but I was watching Two-a-Days.

Me: I think we would have noticed.

P: Haha, it’s in your room.

Me: I hate you.

So anyways, long story short, I Swiffered the kitchen twice to remove any sugar that may have gotten on the floor. The mouse disappeared and I put the kitchen back together. Now I’m home alone, peeking to the right every so often to see if the mouse has decided to pop back in. I have no idea what to do if it does. But I have some nailpolish if he/she wants a makeover.

The Best Birthday Invitation I Have Ever Received

Everyone I know – including myself – is going to be hard-pressed to beat this one. I thought I was so clever calling my next birthday “The 5th Anniversary of My 21st Birthday.” Apparently, I’m not as clever as I thought.

Good Day Friends & Enemies,
Don't be alarmed, this e-mail is a cause for celebration. Well, to be more specific, a cause for celebration for anything connected by an ampersand. History has proven that many things, are in fact, destined to be linked together forever. Like Jews & Suffering. Wait. Okay, maybe that's a bad example. But in my defense though, the persecution has made us stronger as a people throughout five thousand some-odd years. What I'm tryin' to say though, is that some of man's best achievements are better remembered as a duo. We've got: PB & J, Internet & Porn, Law & Order: Special Victims Unit, Balki & Cousin Larry, Spring Break & GHB, Tanqueray & Chronic, which in most cases, will eventually lead to last and certainly not least, Chicken & Waffles (you thought I was gonna say Blood & Semen, didn't you???)

Taking all of this into account, we ask that you grace us with your presence to celebrate the two birthdays of another duo: Mike & Cory. To be completely honest, I (Mike) don't really consider us a duo. I hardly like Cory. Unless of course he's got a player on his fantasy football roster that I want. We are only in this together because roughly 26 years ago, by mere coincidence mind you, our respective parents either planned to conceive OR purchased faulty contraceptives. I guess we really aren't linked by fate or friendship or any of that other nonsense, but rather the ultimate duo of Penis & Vagina. Regardless though, I'd still have to say it’s only due to an & and only an &. But I digress, here are the details:

What: The 26 year, 9 month Anniversary of the Conceptions of Mike B. & Cory F.

Where: Sweet & Vicious
5 Spring Street (Between Bowery & Elizabeth)
New York, NY 10012

When: Saturday October 21st, 2006, 10:00 pm

Hope to see everyone there!

Mike (& Cory)

Please forward to anyone you feel necessary.

P.S. - I do realize that January was (and still is) a busy month for bonin' so some of you might have other prior obligations and birthdays (even your own!). Try to stop by if you can, but we won't hold it against you if you can't.

P.S.S. If anybody has a problem with the short notice, you can F off. You're just a dweeb anyways.


Genius.