The Idea of Fate.

* “We make our own fortunes and we call them fate.” – Benjamin Disreali.

* “Whatever happened to anyone else could happen to you and to me. And the end of my youth was the possible truth that it all happens randomly.” - The Indigo Girls.

* “Be still, sad heart, and cease repining; Behind the clouds the sun is shining; Thy fate is the common fate of all, Into each life some rain must fall, Some days must be dark and dreary.” – Henry Wadsworth Longfellow.

* “It (destiny) is what you have always wanted to accomplish. Everyone, when they are young, knows what their destiny is. At that point in their lives, everything is clear and everything is possible. They are not afraid to dream, and to yearn for everything they would like to see happen to them in their lives. But, as time passes, a mysterious force begins to convince them that it will be impossible for them to realize their destiny.” – Paulo Coehlo.

With my birthday looming before me, I’ve begun to think a lot about the idea of fate. I say looming because I feel like my birthday is actually a giant shadowy figure, coming out of the horizon to eat me alive. I have no idea why I feel this way…my birthday should actually be really fun, but I am totally struggling with this one, as I mentioned a few weeks ago.

Anyways, as I get older, as life just continues to get more and more complicated, I’ve begun to really ponder the idea of fate and destiny. As the quotes above show, fate is something everyone thinks may exist, but opinions of it couldn’t differ more. How many things are we really in control of? How many things happen for a reason? Is anything pre-ordained or do we all, in some way, through small decisions everyday, make the bigger things happen ourselves?

My question, specifically, is- does this apply to people? When it comes to trying to find the right person for you – how much is up to pure fate and how much is actually up to you? Fate would be if I turn down this street corner instead of that one - will I miss my soulmate or run into him? Being in control would mean, if I had the opportunity to speak up, but just didn’t – did I miss my chance forever?

However, I don’t want to place the blame squarely on myself either. What if this mystery person didn’t turn down the street corner that I was headed down and missed ME? What if they had an opportunity to say something and clammed up instead? Are these tiny decisions really what leads us off our collision course with one person and puts us squarely in the path of another?

Part of me tends to think yes…and if that is indeed the case, then there is absolutely nothing we can do in the way of worrying about things. If my life’s happiness can actually boil down to what streets I decide to take to get to the subway, then I’ll f*ing throw a party for myself right now because there will never be anything to get depressed about ever again.

But the tiny part of me that holds out for no, the part that says one half of the equation is fate and the other half is what you decide to do with what’s placed before you, is what screws me up. How are you supposed to know if you messed up? How are you supposed to know what you could have said that would have made the difference? How are you just supposed to accept that you can only do your best and that the rest will take care of itself? That’s what I used to assume. Lately, I’m not so sure.

Which brings me back to my original point of those tiny decisions. Are those tiny decisions, although technically made by us, really just part of fate’s bigger plan? These are huge questions with no clear answers. No one can predict the future. No one knows what someone else is thinking. The best we can do is go on with our lives, hope we are doing the best thing and just continue on with the day…but really, is that all there is? Because you know what? That really f*ing blows.

And on a totally different tangent, as I’m writing this, is it a coincidence that my freaking iPod is randomly selecting the most depressing love songs that I have on here? Ninety-eight percent of my iPod is filled with hip-hop, yet the last five songs have been by Maroon Five, Selena and similarly themed artists. I find that to be quite non-coincidental.

Anyways, winter is coming and these are the thoughts on my mind. I do have to do some work now, I’m sure I’ll have more thoughts on this soon.