McWigger Strikes Again

On Grey's Anatomy, there is McDreamy. And a McSteamy. On the new TV show, Lia's Anatomy, there is McWigger.

Lately, I’ve been avoiding the coffee shop to stay away from McWigger. McWigger is the guy who asked me if I liked porn in the middle of our “date” and he manages the coffee shop that I like, which is how I came to meet him. I thought he owned it…and not that I’m one of those girls…but I’m one of those girls…and he actually manages it. This and other horrifying facts came out on our “date” and long story, short, I’ve been avoiding the coffee shop ever since.

McWigger is not very mature and I knew that he would not handle himself as a 31-year-old properly should, had I continued to frequent the store as I was. However, quite frankly, I’m tired of trekking all over town trying to find a place that was just as close and just as cheap. It’s not fair. So I took the bull by the horns and brought the paper there on Friday.

I’ve done this a few times and thankfully have not run into him, but I knew my luck would run out. As it were, Friday was the day luck was taking a vacation. I heard him before I saw him, because McWigger is the loudest f*ing person on the face of planet Earth (time has not been kind to McWigger in my mind. I'm a Scorpio. Once I decide I don't like you, I hate you. I have officially crossed over to the I-Hate-McWigger side of the Force). I knew it would only be a matter of time until he came over to bother me and I was mentally prepared. Sure enough, I’m reading the Post, pretending to be entirely and utterly engrossed in whatever it was I was reading when the chair opposite me gets kicked and comes crashing into the table. This was a McWigger version of hello. I was ready for it though and I totally pretended like I didn’t even notice. A normal person might take this as a hint – but, then again, a normal person wouldn’t have kicked the f*ing chair to begin with. Predictably, the chair gets kicked again, this time much harder. I look up with an untterly non-amused expression on my face to find McWigger staring down.

Me: Oh hey, what’s going on?

McWigger: How are you?

Me: Pretty good, how are you?

McW: You tell me.

Me: Tell you what?

McW: How I’m doing.

Me: I don’t get it.

McW: Tell me how I’m doing.

Me: What?

McW: You tell me how I’m doing.

Me: Ummm…alright. You’re doing …fine?

McW: Yes I’m doing fine.

Me: Okay. Great. Good for you.

At this point, I was hoping the conversation was over, but McWigger then whipped out his new cell phone to show it off to me. As it happens, it’s a Samsung and I was just in the Samsung store in the TimeWarner Center, looking at this very phone, which is the slimmest in the world. At the store, they told me it was only available in Korea, so I inquired about how he was able to get it. “I paid $500 for it,” was the response. “Of course you did” was mine. He then proceeded to tell me it had a camera on it that could take pictures in very rapid succession. “Cool,” I said. “Yes, it’s great for porn,” was his response. No lie. I had enough. I don't know what his stupid porn kick is about, but it's disrespectful and I was taking a stand. I was like, “What the fuck does that mean?” His answer, “Um, I don’t know.” I replied, “Well, I’m going to get back to the paper now.”

I tried to go back to the paper but McWigger refused to let the conversation die and we spent a few more minutes talking about crap. By crap, I mean McWigger was threatening to call this guy who also visits the coffee shop regularly named Eric. Eric is a cool guy, and I knew he developed a small crush on me, but I was not interested. Eric has bad teeth and is in need of a good haircut, and probably a good shower as well. However, Eric can talk about many things including art and history and politics and he’s traveled. McWigger’s conversation points consist of porn references (see above and original entry) and how much money he spends on absolute crap. I was like go ahead and call Eric then, so he starts to dial, realizes I don’t give a shit and hangs up. He finally goes back to work. I was hoping this was the end of it.

However, several minutes later he’s back by the table cleaning up some papers that were under it. The last paper he throws on top of what I’m reading. Without looking up, I take the paper, fold it, and place in somewhere deep in the back of the newspaper. I continue reading.

Several seconds later, and I cannot make this up, a fucking dime nails me in the throat. McWigger had whipped a dime at me and hit me in the fucking neck. I wanted to stand up and yell “WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU? GROW. THE. FUCK. UP!!!!” But I didn’t. I couldn’t give him the satisfaction. So, I took the dime, which had bounced off me and onto the table, and put it in my purse. It was about 2:40 p.m. I told myself I’d leave at 3 p.m. And find a new coffee shop. Forever.

But McWigger wasn’t done. Minutes later, he is hovering over me again. Now I’m seriously furious. A.) Get a fucking clue. B.) Grow up. C) Leave me the hell alone. All of these things I wanted to scream while kicking him repeatedly in the balls, but I restrained and just ignored him. I was doing the SuDoKu puzzle and just wanted to be left in peace to finish it because I was making record time.

No such luck. McWigger circles again and stands over my table. I am seriously filled with rage, but I keep my head down and ignore him. This is when McWigger grabs the pen out of my hand. I look up. He looks at me, looks at the puzzle and then the douchebag starts filling in numbers. I grab the pen. I’m like "What the hell are you doing?" He’s like "Revenge is a bitch." I’m like "Revenge for WHAT?" He goes to write in the puzzle again. I put my hand over it and say, "Stop it. Now." He goes to write on my hand but winds up cutting it with the pen instead. I go, "You just cut my hand you fucking asshole, STOP IT." He lets go…thinking that I was joking. I give him the dirtiest look the world has ever seen, call him a douchebag under my breath and go back to the puzzle. It’s now 2:57 and I decide I’ve had more than enough.

I pick up the paper and walk out of the shop. He watches me go and I give him a peace sign over my shoulder. As in PEACE BITCH.

I fucking hate McWigger.