My First Article!

So...after two weeks of scouring Manhattan strip clubs, talking to bouncers, finding general managers, asking permission to speak to dancers, waiting at the bar, hanging out in the locker rooms...my first article is published at last:

http://radaronline.com/features/2008/02/diablo_cody_strippers_with_artistic_aspirations_01.php

Pulitzer Prize soon, ya'll!

Published Next Thursday!

My very first story will be published on RadarOnline.com next Thursday! Look for it biotches! Yeah!

AI: Results, Week 1

First of all, thank God for DVR so I can fast-forward through all of the boring and super-corny song-and-dance routine they make everyone do.

With that said, I think the best part of the whole show was when Garrett was cut and you saw Jason mouth "just like that, huh?" Yes, just like that. If only we could have it be a half hour.

Poor Kristy Lee Cook - deemed safe - was also unfortunately outfitted in pleather and white hooker boots. Poor thing. To drag her in front of America looking like that - and then subject us to her and another possible, unfortunate outfit choice again. Actually, I absolutely hated the way all the girls were dressed tonight, they all looked horrible.

I think the right people went home and I think the girls are much better than the boys.

I found it a tad ironic that American Idol would air Paula and Randy's new song, since Paula is clearly singing through a synthesizer and old girl looked mad stiff in her dance moves. But I liked the song a lot. I'll be jamming out to it fo' sho'.

And goodness that little Danny Noriega is so pretty. I love him!

But by far, the best moment of the night was Simon telling just-cut Colton that he'd never make it music and to get a good job. HAHAHAHAHA.

American Idol: Season 7

So as much as I can, I'll try to do the real time thoughts on American Idol. Note for first time readers, I have absolutely no entertainment background, I just like to be thoroughly entertained...at all times.

Here goes! Week 1, Boys:

David Hernandez - Nice voice, little stiff. I would NEVER want to go first during the live performances, so you kind of have to feel for the kid. Then again, you think about so many of the people that have come before him who just knock it out of the park on the first time out, and he defintely didn't do that. I think he's forgettable. Sorry David.

Chikieze - First of all, I am automatically slightly wary of anyone who chooses to go by one name right off the bat. Mandisa, anyone? However, I think he did well. He took a well-known song and made it a bit different. I still don't kind of get how people thing that after 7 years starting slow and building to something is going to be an audience clincher, rather than just trying to knock our socks off from the beginning. He looks a little lounge singer-ish for my taste. I don't agree with Simon completely, but I also dont think "Jacuzzi" should have talked back either. Take your criticism at this stage - doesn't anyone watch and strategize? God!

David Cook - I loved him in the auditions and I think that he didn't get enough camera time following. So I'm excited to see what he does right now...(3 minutes later). Not loving the song choice. Appreciate it. Don't love it. I think he missed his major notes? Sometimes it's hard to tell on TV. Overall, ehhhhhhhhhh. I'm surprised the judges liked this. At least he seems nice. And he's cute so I'm guessing the rocker chicks will dig it.

Jason Yaeger - I can't wait until the stylists get rid of those blonde tips. Those must go. Like...now. Sigh - he chooses Moon River. And he's like real corny with his smiles and points. I kind of want to ask, do you hear Moon River playing on ANYTHING else besides an adult contemporary station that runs the Delilah show? That was kind of the song you dedicate to your loved one across the country who "you're missing tonight." Picture that, in the Delilah voice.

Robby Carrico - I think he was in that boy/girl group that covered ABBA songs. Right? I'm almost positive. But I can't remember who they are. And I think he's got the right idea - even though it's 60s, it doesn't have to sound dated. You can tell he's comfortable on the stage. And if I liked rocker guys - then he's TOTALLY hot. But I don't. I liked him a lot. I agree with Simon - this was the only performance thus far that could be considered current.

David Archuleta - First of all, I love this kid. I want to adopt him as my son and raise him to adulthood. I want him to do good. I think he gets it - he chooses a snappy song, something that let's him have a little fun. I think he's better than some of the guys that are more than a decade older than him with children just younger than he is, even if he did look a little nervous. But he's like 17! He'll be through and I will live to possibly adopt him another day. Omg he's so cute, I just want to eat him with a spoon.

Danny Noriega - He's got such a masculine voice for someone so effiminate and if he dated Christian from Project Runway and had a fierce-ness off, I'm not sure Christian would win. And Christian is super fierce. I liked him. I think you have to give it up to everyone who comes out tonight and is just themself and has a good time with it. I liked it. It was fun and I didn't find myself bored with it like I did with other peeps. And he sassed Simon in a good way, while being humble. Plus, he's real pretty.

(aside - Paula and Simon arguing. Ughhhh! I hate these arguments. Sooo annoying and its why I love DVR.)

Luke Menard - Hey, it's Orlando Bloom/Luke Perry on American Idol! Yeah! He looks like the lovechild of both. If he came here to win American Idol, then he picked a song that was mad boring. I'm already playing Scramble. Omg, I think that was the single most boring thing I have ever heard. And his wife's chin just jabbed me in the eye from the TV. And I am sitting back like 10 feet from the TV.

(PS- can you tell my bloody mary just kicked in? Also, why is Paula's voice so shaky? She sounds like she's on the verge of tears.)

Colton Berry - Numero uno - you do not look like Ellen DeGeneres from ANY angle. Sorry. I really like his choice of song but I don't think he's doing anything especially fun with it, and he could. He's not completely boring though. He's wearing bright blue pants as well, I am not sure how I feel about that. Um, he was okay.

(I'm waiting for someone to come out and really just do something awesome here. David has been the best by far. I als dont feel like listening to the judges argue anymore, so I'm fast forwarding once Simon finishes his initial thought.)

Garrett Haley - For the first verse, I was like okay Neil Sedaka, yeah! This will get really rolling in a second. But....he never quite got there. There are so many amazing things you could have done with this song, and he didn't. Ugh. Where are the power notes? The big finishes? Ugh. And Randy just totally said everything I just wrote. I could totally be a judge on AI.

Jason Castro - Here's another one who hasn't gotten a ton of facetime, so I'm curious what he's going to do. He's obviously got a unique look, he's also real pretty. First, props for bringing out the guitar. Great choice of song as well. He may have lost it a bit at the end, but for someone who has only sang in public a few times, I think it was okay. And he looks really humble and surprised at his talent...and I like that.

Michael Johns - Good choice for his voice. And he's fun to watch. I love how the stylists gave him a scarf instead of a tie. So very Australian of him. It's amazing that his 2 minutes went so fast and some others creep by endlessly. He was really good and obviously a semi-professional. Hearts all around!!!

That's it. This is exhausting. Looking forward to the girls tomorrow.

BlackBerry Glitch Results in 100,000,000 Heart Attacks

Black(Berry) Monday

Last Monday’s BlackBerry outage was blamed for more then 100,000,000 heart attacks – of which 99,999,999 million were workaholics in desperate need of a life outside of work.

The remaining victim was an old woman who suffered a heart attack when a Wall Street investment banker yelled in her face on Chambers Street because he had not been able to check the Dow Jones Stock index for 30 seconds.

Dr. Ken Burns of the American Heart Foundation, released the following statement regarding the fragile state of American heart health when workers had to go more then several hours without checking their e-mail and sports scores. “I think the world would have been better without these douches, but c’est la vie.”

The BlackBerry outage was blamed on a system upgrade that parent company, Research in Motion, said resulted in a system-wide glitch.

Research in Motion spokeswoman Tanya Smith said, “We will now conduct all system upgrades between the hours of 1 a.m. and 2 a.m., which, according to our research, is when our primary user base is doing bumps of cocaine to reach their required number of billable hours. This should help rectify the situation in the future.”

My First Time

I just submitted my first rough draft for a story to an editor. I am really happy with how it's coming out so far and am looking forward to feedback! I'm also continuing with interviews for it throughout tonight before embarking on a well-deserved party weekend.

Oh yeah, my story is about strippers! Yes! Hooray for me!

Jessica Biel

Was named one of Vanity Fair's fresh faces for its latest "Hollywood" issue. Am I missing something here? She's been in several films, none of which did very well (with the exception, I believe, of The Illusionist, but whose weight was carried by her co-stars Hugh Jackman and Christian Bale).

If someone can explain her to me, I'd be really happy to listen. Cause I really don't get it.

Tonight!

Don't forget to tune into tonight's State of the Union address, or as I like to call it, "Bullsh** Fest 2008!"

Among the many topics of discussion, I would go ahead and venture that it will entail a positive, optimistic spin on the war going nowhere, the possible recession, the sub prime mortgage mess, the weakened dollar and too many other horrible things our country is currently dealing with thanks to good old W!! Yay!

My Paranormal Experience with Paranormal State

If you haven't checked out the super-creepy TV show Paranormal State on A&E, get to a DVR/Tivo near you immediately and get on it! It's a fun show, full of all types of interesting ghost stories, demon sightings, EVP experiences, etc. If you love hearing about supernatural experiences, so long they are not your own, like I do, then you'll enjoy this show.

A few weeks ago, around 11 p.m., I was in the middle of an especially scary episode, where the team was just about to go into a room where a motion detector was going off despite the fact that THERE WAS NO ONE IN THE ROOM - when my phone rang. I hit pause because I needed to devote my full energies into viewing the show and proceeded to chat away for the next hour.

During the chat, as I'm prone to do, I forgot that I was in the middle of something before I answered the phone, looked at the clock, realized it was past midnight and decided I'd go to sleep. So I prepared for bed, ending by getting out my book and reading for about 45 minutes to wind down. I realized it was getting really late and I closed the light. Then, and I don't normally do this, but for some reason I started thinking about the show as I drifted off and got a little nervous. I woke up, read for like 30 more minutes to clear my mind, and about 1:30 or 1:45 a.m. I was calmed down enough to go to sleep for real.

Just as I am about to go out, I was jolted awake by a god awful beeping/blaring noise. Within a second, I realized that the noise was coming from inside my house and I became instantly paralyzed with fear. All I could do was lay on my side, in the darkness, eyes wide open, not breathing, listening to this horrific sound that took me 3 more seconds to peg as coming from the direct center of my living room.

It all happened so fast, but around the 10 second mark, the noise clicked in my brain. It was the test from the Emergency Broadcast System. I had left the TV on pause, I never turned it off, and they must be doing whatever test that they do.

I was 99 % sure this was the noise now, but I still had to get up out of bed and make sure. I turned on the light and turned on the hallway light and noting the fact that there seemed to be no demonic spirits flying about my living room, dashed out in front of the TV to confirm.

It was indeed the Emergency Broadcast System doing whatever they do, checking whatever they check.

I'm not quite sure what I would have done had I looked at the TV and there was no test going on, but hopefully, I'll never have to think about that.

In any case, now I was wide awake, jittery and had to turn off all the lights in my apartment. And the TV. Again.

So I flicked everything off and made a dash for the bed, jumped in and pulled the covers up. I grabbed my book and began to read. It took me about another half-hour to come down, and I gathered my courage to turn off the light for Take Two of "Lia Goes to Sleep."

This time, was able to drift off and stay asleep, without incident.

At Least Someone Had a Brain

I read a great story on CNN today about how a flight instructor at the Minnesota flight school where Zacarias Moussaoui was training for 9/11, received $5 million from the state department for his tip that Moussaoui was suspicious. Based on his tip, Moussaoui was put in jail on the grounds of his expired French passport and could not participate in the attacks as the 20th highjacker. To this date, he is the only 9/11 co-conspirator charged with a crime. The fact that this man had the foresight to be suspicious in a pre 9/11 world is pretty fantastic. It's money very well-deserved and I hope he enjoys it.

Among the things the instructor found suspicious, that his superiors chose to ignore:

- Moussaoui payed the $6,800 for his training in $100 bills, a fact that at first, his bosses did not question.

- Moussaoui was learning how to operate a 747 with only 50 hours of flight training behind him. Normally, the school taught pilots with 500-600 hours of flying time behind them, mostly of whom were commercial pilots training so they could be paid more at their airline jobs.

- Wanting to learn more about Moussaoui before teaching him further, the instructor asked him if he was Muslim, to which Moussaoui yelled, "I am nothing!" Note, that in this post-9/11 world this seems much more menacing that it would at the time, so to note the strangeness of this answer in a pre-9/11 world makes this man all the more a hero.

- To keep Moussaoui engaged in his lessons while his bosses finally consented to bring in the FBI, the instructor let him sit on other students' flight simulations but did not allow him to do his own.

The man noted in Moussaoui's trial that while he thought Moussaoui strange, he did just want to make sure that he wasn't training a hijacker. Obviously, he could not have known what kind of hijacker Moussauoi was training to be, but by simply listening to his gut, only God knows how many additional lives this man saved. It is believed Moussaoui planned to highjack a JFK-bound plane from Heathrow airport.

The Onion: Bill Clinton Running for President!

The Onion - which prints fake news - ran this hilarious "article" today on Bill Clinton's "announcement" that he is running for President. If only! I'm currently reading Volume 1 "The Early Years," of his autobiography, "My Life," and it's pretty astounding. He accomplished such ridiculous amounts by the time he was my age, half the time that I am reading it, I feel like the stupidest person in the world. The other half I feel like I should just slit my wrists, cause clearly I'm not contributing to society in any meaningful way, nor will I probably ever. (Unless I live up to my 2008 New Year's resolution in a post to follow later today.)

Anyways, check it out here. It's hysterical. http://www.theonion.com/content/news/bill_clinton_screw_it_im_running

2008: Don't Settle

Some of you noticed that I took down my super-mushy post about 2007. Or at least, I deemed it mushy and took it down. It matters not, because 2007 is now firmly behind me and I've taken the necessary steps to live up to my 2008 New Year's resolution, which is solely, "Don't Settle."

In the past I have made lists upon lists of things I would do in a given year - learn Italian, read 50 books, read 80 books, travel, call people more often, yada yada yada.

The only thing that ever got me was a June reality check that I had six months left to do everything I said I would do, which at that point, was impossible.

So starting in November of 2007, I started to think about what a good main goal would be for 2008 and I settled on the idea of not settling at all. For anything. Too often in 2007, I felt that I was letting too many good things pass me by. I realized that I had sometimes given up my own sanity and well-being for causes that weren't worthy. I wasn't doing anything creatively that could fulfill my need to have a better work/life balance. I didn't say what I felt, when I felt it. So many other things I could mention but I think you get the point.

That's not to say the year wasn't without it's highlights - I fulfilled a lifelong dream of going to Greece. I met and fell for an amazing guy that has become my best friend and continues to be the highlight of every day. I moved into an apartment solo, fulfilling a promise to myself to try this before life carried me in another direction. It was definitely a year of change. But that change didn't come without some serious emotional and psychological consequences. Maybe it's something I had to live through to come out better on the other side. In any case, it's not something I care to repeat.

So...with that said, I'm happy to announce that the first action I took in 2008 was to take the first steps in testing the waters of a new career - writing.

Starting in February, I will be cutting back on my current job to part-time and starting to write for a magazine's Web site 2 days a week. As more information on this can be told, I will tell it. But I feel like I'm sticking my toes in water - will it be hot or will it be cold? I'll find out and maybe, just maybe, I can start to create the opportunities that will allow me to have the life I've wanted to lead for so long.

I think life is too short to wake up and wish the day was done. I'm tired of living for 6 p.m. And this is the first step to not doing that anymore.

Yeahhhh, Police Talk

Finally, police talk that sounds like what police talk should sound like! Responding to a quadruple-murder that needs solving, the sheriff of Indianapolis says to the suspects via the news media:


"There's a special place in hell for you, and we're going to see that you get there," Anderson said. "I've been working with the mayor and everyone else. We'll work together. We've got a team and we're going to find you. We're going to put you in the dog cage that you belong."

I feel like you just don't hear this kind of talk anymore. I wouldn't want to be on this guy's bad side! The only thing that would have made these sentences any better is the word, "motherfu**er," but alas, he was on TV.

Coincidence?

Ahead of Steve Jobs' highly-anticipated keynote speech today at the MacWorld Expo, I just got an email from Netflix saying as part of my subscription, I can now enjoy unlimited movie rentals on my PC. There has been speculation that Jobs is expected to announce a movie rental plan through iTunes.

Coincidence?

Sidenote: How f*ing nerdy am I to know this? Or worse, piece it together?

My dearest CNN

I can't believe even CNN is covering Britney's trial today. Is this news really that big? Does anyone really believe this girl SHOULD show up to court? In not showing up, she relinquishes her rights to custody of her children until at least April. Does anyone believe that she should have custody before then? The girl has serious issues that need to be straightened out before any child, hers or otherwise, is entrusted in her care.

Regardless, I'm just am kinda boggled that CNN is there. I mean, CNN???

Did I Predict Alex Trebek's Heart Attack?

Remember a few months ago when Alex Trebek had a heart attack? I kept my joy at this fortunate turn of events secret. I was just looking back at former posts and found this gem from October 2006. Turns out, I put it into the universe that I wanted Alex Trebek to up and die. I almost got my wish!

Alex Trebek
No one person on Earth inspires such hatred in me as Alex Trebek, though I continue to watch Jeopardy, but only to test my own knowledge. If he had a massive heart attack and died right during a Daily Double, I’d stand up and cheer. I hate the way he has to pretend like he knows all the accents when the answer involved another language b/c A.) He does not know all the accents and B.) He sucks at accents. I also hate the way he pretends like he knew the answer when someone answers incorrectly. He’s so condescending, like “Nooooo Mary, I’m sorry. The correct answer is, “What is Mount Kilomanjaro?” Then he always repeats with a useless fact, just to “impress” us, like “Mount Kilomanjaro, located in the Iberian Peninsula, lovely place.” F*** YOU ALEX!! Like everyone at home doesn’t know you have the f*ing answer on a computer screen in front of you! And no one cares what you think of the Iberian Peninsula. God I hate him!

Anyways, last night, the first round opens and Alex actually says, “Get ‘er done.” I was like what the f***??? Did Alex just say Get ‘er done??? Now we’re supposed to think he’s hip AND smart??? Can’t you just die already Alex? Die!

Hooray!

Hillary Clinton came away victorious in yesterday's New Hampshire primary putting her one step closer to the WH! I must be honest, though my love of Hillary Clinton knows no bounds, I would be just as happy with Barack Obama. We MUST have a democratic president elected in 2008.

But can you imagine - Madame President?! My mom reminded me that roughly 22 years ago I promised her I would be first female president of the United States, though I was also simultaneously promising to be first female major leaguer, but in any case...yes! Am I right, ladies?

Sarcastic Voice: New Yorkers are So Wacky!

The fact that he works for The Colbert Report only makes sense. New Yorkers are so crazy, right? What the story doesn't explain is where he sleeps after the store closes at midnight or where he goes on Sundays...which, to me, means that if he is not sleeping overnight at the store, then he is technically not living there. Unless I'm missing something...

In any case, check out the hilarious hijinks below!

PS - I'm feeling real sarcastic today!

Comedian is living in an Ikea store

PARAMUS, New Jersey (AP) -- When Mark Malkoff thought about where he could stay while his New York City apartment was being fumigated for cockroaches, he quickly ruled out friends' places (too small) and hotels (too expensive).

Mark Malkoff sits on a display bed in a showroom at the Ikea store in Paramus, New Jersey.

Instead, the comedian and filmmaker decided to move into an Ikea store in suburban New Jersey, where on Monday he unloaded two suitcases into a spacious bedroom at the store.

At night when the store is closed, he says he'll play laser tag with security guards and even plans to host a housewarming party.

"The fact that Ikea is letting me do this is mind-boggling," said Malkoff, lounging on a bed in his new room. "There's no way I'm going back. I love this way too much." Video Comedian gives tour of his new digs »

Malkoff, who works for Comedy Central's "The Colbert Report" as a ticket handler, is allowed to stay until Ikea closes at about midnight on Saturday; the store, famous for its low-cost do-it-yourself furniture, is closed on Sundays.

Malkoff, 31, is known for his 2007 video "171 Starbucks" which documents his visits to all of the coffee chain's Manhattan stores in a single day.

Deputy store manager Julie Mott said Malkoff contacted the store about three weeks ago and presented a proposal to move in.

"We thought it would be a lot of fun and interesting," Mott said. "We're not really sure what this week holds."

He is being followed by a camera crew documenting his stay for a video, which will be shown on his Web site.

But despite the hospitality, Malkoff did find a few problems: The sinks don't work, and neither does the toilet, refrigerator, flat-screen television or the washer and dryer.

"Is anything real in this place?" he asked.

He must shower in the staff locker room and will have access to the staff cafeteria to cook his own meals, if he chooses, Mott said.

However, the Ikea display does offer more spacious living than his two-bedroom Queens apartment.

"I feel like I'm on the set of 'Friends,"' he said, adding that he has met a few new faux friends -- customers who wandered into his new apartment.
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His wife of 2 1/2 years, Christine, isn't as thrilled with his new digs and has instead opted to stay with relatives in upstate New York.

"For some reason," he said, "she doesn't want to live in a store."

Back!

Happy 2008! I'm back...and hoping to post more than I got to in 07.

First things first, Trainwreck Spears in the hospital under suicide watch. I feel very sorry for Britney because there is clearly no one in her life that cares about her. Her mother's response - "just say prayers."

I am so sick of people hiding behind religious statements like these. If one daughter is in the hospital under suicide watch and the other is knocked up at 16, I'm going to go ahead and guess that prayer is no longer working for you. Or as GC mentioned, God stopped helping the Spears family some time ago. Maybe you should stop living off your kids' money and actually parent them. Stupid a-holes are what's making me mad in 2008.

Jamie-Lynn Spears Pregnant

...and somewhere Dina Lohan slept well last night.

The dramz...I love it!