To start, a summary of my life, to this point.
I was born, went to college and graduated. Got my first job, at age 23, in South Florida. Hated the job, hated the people, left job when bosses found out I was looking for new jobs - decided to move to New York.
Moved to New York. Turned 24. Got new job. At first, loved the job, loved the people. Over time, hated the job. Stayed 2 years, decided to move back to Florida.
Age 25. Decided not to move back to Florida. Did not work for 6 months. Spent $9,000. Turned 26. (Lest you judge, only a portion of this went to alcohol. A good amount went to coffee. The rest went to regular bills.) Did some freelancing, but decided I needed to go back to work to pay off my credit card debt. Instantly hated job.
Today - now 27, horrifically in debt from a combination of student loans and credit card bills. A rough estimate is somewhere in the neighborhood of $32,000. I intern for a magazine - which I love and today, quit a job that I hate.
The problem? I now need to temp and work part-time and pray that it's enough to pay my rent, eat, pay my bills and get this debt down. I want to write a book. I want to write full time for a magazine.
The problem? I'm now 27 years old! Everyone around me is getting engaged or married or buying houses. Taking vacations to locales I only dream about. Making six figures. And not that I need those things, yet, but I'm completely confused on how everyone seems to be doing all this. Is it at the cost of their day to day happiness? Is this is what life is outside of New York? How do I get my slice of the pie? How do I do without losing my sanity? My work/life balance? My sense of self?
Over the past five years, I've had bosses who've tried to "break me," to insult me into thinking I wasn't good enough to leave, who have asked "Isn't that retarded?" in response to a strategy I've proposed, who have told me the way I scratch my nose "is disgusting." (The consensus is that the way I scratch my nose, is indeed, "cute." I don't want to work for people anymore. I've been so beat down and abused by the crazy bosses I've had, that I feel like I am done. How then, do I make my place in the world without sacrificing myself? I don't want to have to walk into a workplace every day and feel the need to defend myself, if need be. To be on alert for the possible insult sent my way and be ready with a snappy response to put someone in their place. I'm not capable of it - because I don't want to be.
So, in two weeks, I am once again jobless, after suffering yet another debilitating go in an industry that I am now completely finished with. I just can't take it anymore. But the question is - where do I go from here? With magazines cutting staff faster than ever, can I make my way in this new world? I'm going to try - but what if I fail? What then? I feel like, before I know it, I'll be 30, in a debt I will be paying until I'm 60, with nothing to show for all the time, effort and sleepless nights I've spent.
Maybe this is some thing everyone deals with and suffers with silently. Does it have to be? Have I done something wrong in winding up in these professional situations? Maybe, maybe not. Either way, I'm not sure I care. If every choice you make leads you to where you're supposed to be - my question is, where the hell am I going?
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To be Ordinary or Unique: That is the question.
Lia,
Your story reminds me of my own life journey: Fantastic achievements, accomplished despite remittent periods of abject poverty. Passionate relationships abandoned because they failed to meet expectations of fidelity and true partnership. Watching friends and colleagues mark their milestones of marriage, home ownership, and childbirth from the sidelines. Observing people climb the corporate ladder while I scurry up the fire escape, looking in the window to see how it's done and mimicking their progress in my career as an independent consultant operating on my own terms.
It's a difficult path you've chosen. I know that because I've chosen it too. It takes inordinate strength and perseverance, and often it seems that you're an observer, living in a parallel but unequal universe. You feel you may be missing out on life, because you're life is not the same. You feel "different" and it takes courage to remain true to your principles.
And it's true: You are different! Can't settle for an ordinary job because you can't endure the ordinary strain of working for "the man" and sacrificing little bits of your soul on a regular basis. Can't settle for an ordinary man because you can't endure the ordinary pain of his resistance to monogamy or expectation of dominance in the relationship. Can't sacrifice your ideals and ambitions for the sake of accumulating designer labels and expensive real estate because those things are not as important to you as pursuing your goals.
You just can't do it, and neither can I. Does that mean we're not normal? Or it is simply normal for some to walk a different path through life?
You're 27. I'm 59. I've been pondering these same issues a full three decades longer, and I've come to the conclusion that it really doesn't matter whether it's normal or not -- I really never had a choice. Any time I tried to follow the advice of friends and family to "get over it" and "settle" and "deal with it" and "stop being so idealistic", I nearly died. Not literally, of course, but in some very meaningful way. I lost my drive, my personality, my energy, my vision.
I've always known exactly what I should be doing, where I should be heading, and what I really want to do. And I must have been right about it all because miraculously, I've been able to achieve my goals one after another--no matter how lofty and no matter how much longer it took that I'd hoped. I've learned nine languages, travelled the world, lived and worked abroad, earned a PhD from Harvard based on medieval manuscript research, contributed to international development, and recently, dashed up the corporate fire escape to land a six figure job that I find creative and meaningful and in which I experience only the barest minimum of disrespect from time to time. I still haven't found my life partner, but I've had wonderful relationships with fascinating men I'd never accept on a long term basis. Not what I'd planned, but more than I expected.
Your frustration touched me, and resonated within me. I just thought I'd share my own thoughts and experiences, not so much to commiserate as to encourage you to embrace your unique path, and to dance along it! I believe it's a blessing to know who you are and how you feel and what you're supposed to be doing. You can't be BOTH ordinary and unique. I don't even think we get to choose, but it sounds like you're still trying to make up your mind which way to go. If it's any consolation to you I am too, but I don't regret the zig-zag path I've taken to date because it's brought me inordinate satisfaction and extraordinary joy. I wish you the same!
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