Hello Abyss? What's up...It's Lia

Is my blog boring now that my gym boyfriend is out of the picture? I realized I struggle for daily thoughts to write about…although I start a million entries I post only a few. Sometimes, I like writing just to write, not to share. However, it dawned on me that I usually wound up sharing my gym boyfriend entries because I could actually finish them and post them without anyone thinking I had too much time on my hands. I started a whole rant the other day about the Dixie Chicks and how it’s totally unfair that they get black listed and death threats while men who make music bashing the President don’t get one millionth of the backlash. But I never finished it and didn’t post it…and then looking back on the last few months the only consistent thing I ever write about is Gym Boyfriend.

The funny thing is, even though we broke up, Gym Boyfriend lives on. I see him all of the time, and even my friends have taken to calling him Gym Boyfriend. He’s at the coffee shop and at the bank, and always, obviously, in the gym. I see him staring, though now I’m totally convinced he is not staring at me nor is he interested in any way. One year is MORE than enough time to work up the courage to talk to someone, if you were interested in doing so.

The reason for my rant today? I have finally taken the plunge. I gave notice at my job, setting the wheels in motion for my move back to Florida. My last official day is June 29. It feels very good to have finally ended the double life I’ve been leading the last few months as I contemplated my decision. It also means, that sadly, my New York life will come to an end in August. This is obviously very bittersweet for me. Coming here was a huge dream of mine, one that I filled all on my own. I carved out a pretty great life and in the thick of it, I’ve decided to leave. I miss my family and I have to know once and for all if my current quasi-boyfriend should/can be together. The only way to know this is to move home and see what happens. And if it doesn’t work out, I do have my family close by which is something I missed more than I ever though I would.

I think that my Gym Boyfriend stands for so much more than just a crush I had on someone I saw every day. It was a way to escape and pretend that maybe there was an iota of a chance that maybe I was meant to stay here forever. I don’t think I was meant to, but it represented the possibility. If for some reason, Gym Boyfriend, or any other Boyfriend had materialized, it would have added a layer to my existence here that could have persuaded me to reevaluate things. I’m not saying it would have made me stay – I don’t think any decision should be made over a man or a relationship – but it would have played a role.

On the other hand, maybe the fact that no such person materialized, though I’m sure it could have if I was really interested, is a sign that quasi-boyfriend IS going to work out. I’ve met a lot of people in my time here and I think that had I met someone interesting enough or someone who held my attention for more than 0.5 seconds, I would have done something about it. But I didn’t. And I have to believe that counts for something as well.

I think the toughest part about this decision is that you’ll never know, either way, what would have been best. It’s one of those decisions where you just have to accept that your brain and your heart may be sending you mixed messages, and you just have to toss logic and reason out the window for once. I feel a bit like I just parachuted into a black hole – with no bottom, with no sense of speed, just kind of floating in the abyss. And even though I have never done this before in my life, not have a plan, not have a clear-cut sense on if what I’m doing is right or smart or totally in my hands…it does feel okay. And in a way, very liberating.