Conversations and Ruminations

I had a very nice conversation today with someone, somewhat out of nowhere. It’s funny to me how this happens sometimes. You start talking to someone about one thing, but then wind up on a completely different topic, and you wind up thinking on that all day.

What started as a joke, turned into a conversation about life and how to enjoy it. How to make sure that you get out what you put in. How to make sure that you aren’t ruminating too much on things that bring you down, or make you feel bad and keeping negativity out of your life. And I realized, that the last few years, I’ve been allowing too much of this to creep into my daily existence.

One of the things I liked most about my younger self is that I never let anything get to me. Most things rolled off my back and I can’t remember ever staying up at night or worrying about anything.

Somewhere during college that started to shift. I started worrying about money when I saw my student loan debt growing, started worrying about finding a job, worrying about tests, etc. Then I graduated and that got worse. I wasn’t living where I wanted or doing what I wanted. I found myself getting obsessed by people I didn’t like and what’s worse, I didn’t balance that with people I did like or the things I liked doing.

Then I moved to NYC and I’ve found myself once again not as involved in my own life as I’d like to be. When I moved, I promised myself I’d take dance classes, that I’d go to the park every weekend, go to Broadway shows, that I’d learn Italian, that I’d read more. Instead, each night I come home too exhausted to do much but watch TV and talk to my roommates for a little while. I've done pretty good on weekends, but not as good as I could have and I'm not sure why. Each day is just like the next, even in the biggest and most dynamic city in the world.

So…now that I’ve got the chance to start over yet again, and believe me I am very happy for yet another chance to do so, I am going to do it better. I’d like to start participating in my life a bit more. I don’t want to work to death, as a matter of fact, work, while important, is no longer my life’s goal. I now see work as a means to end, the end being the things I want to do. Which include learning new things and doing the things I enjoy. At 25, I’d like to start being 25…not 55, like I sometimes feel.

So thank you to my friend who confirmed that I’m not crazy, that this is something everyone realizes (or chooses to realize) and validated to me that what I’m doing, what I’m embarking on, is right. The journey starts next Friday, when I leave for my two week vacation and return with nothing before me but time to get back to center. I have bought a ton of books and I have zero plans. And I can’t…freaking…wait.