Family Cruise - The Prequel

We haven't even gotten to the boat, the drinking and hilarity have already commenced.

I met my family in The Brew House of Newark Liberty International Airport where they were already at the bar, ordering round numero uno at 1 p.m. Chuckie, Al, Frankie, Dena, Aunt Shev and Bob wound up having two beers each before we got on the plane. Nancy had two glasses of wine. I had one beer. Tweety had a Diet Coke.

We get on the plane which only has 70 passengers and I immediately lay down across one whole aisle and fall asleep for the rest of the flight.

I awake upon descent to find Aunt Shev and Chuckie (for all those who don't know Shev is Chuckie's mom), speaking in pig latin to one another...from four rows away. The entire family is rip-roaring drunk, having commadeered the back of the plane to chug beers and do shots with one steward who found it all hilarious. He later gave me a dirty look for not being wasted. He slips Chuckie three mini-bottles for the road as we get off.

I should also mention that the sexagenerian crowd on the plane did not like us very much. Maybe it had to do with Chuckie yelling, "Everybody get your hands up!" as the plane began to point down and him and Al rode out the rest of the ride like they were on a roller coaster. He then yelled, "Yeah everybody, we're in Vegas!!!!" Our cruise leaves out of Ft. Lauderdale. No one besides 9 of us seemed to get the joke.

Following the plane ride of fun that I totally missed, we dropped everyone off at their hotels and places they were sleeping and I then made my parents high-tail it to Publix where I got the sub and potato salad I haven't been able to get my hands on for 9 months. I felt like a thirst that had lasted a thousand years had finally been quenched. Florida people will know what I'm talking about. All the rest of you need to learn.

Finally, we all end up talking around the kitchen table like we always do. My dad heads to bed, and then its me, my mom and tweety somehow on the topic of sex change operations. A friend of theirs from back in the day, who met his boyfriend when they were both cross-dressers, now wants a male to female sex change. Problem is the boyfriend had the operation a few years ago and wants him to remain the boy. Tweety and my mom were debating the getting the operation so late in life (the guy is 57), the health problems he'll probably have since he's sick anyways, etc. etc. when my mom says, "Yeah...plus, it must hurt to get your friggin' d*** cut off, too." I'm pretty sure, out of her innocent face, that's the quote to top for the rest of the trip.