The McWigger Chronicles: Chapter 3

For those of you who thought the McWigger saga had come to an end (and that included me), it did not. For better or for worse, a Chapter 3 and 4 were recently added to the apparently never-ending cat-and-mouse game I will be forced to play with McWigger until a.) I move out of the East Village or b.) McWigger falls off the face of the earth, preferably as a result of fiery car crash. I don’t wish him dead, that’s pretty mean. Maybe just horribly disfigured as a result of his burns and injuries.

Anyways, after the in-store incident in which things were thrown at me, I realized that I hadn’t adequately stood up for myself to McWigger, but more or less, I was fine with this. A few days after the in-store run-in, I was telling one of my best guy friends the story and as it so happened, he was coming up two weeks later for a visit. We got to talking and thought it would be funny if him and I went into the store to fuck with McWigger a little bit. I knew that McWigg would think it disrespectful (or whatever) if I were to go in the store with another guy, and I knew it would effectively prove a point (at least that’s what I was hoping). I told my friend that if it worked out in our schedule to do that, that we should but that it was no big deal if we didn’t.

Well, as it turned out we did get the opportunity. On the Friday morning that my friend arrived, he didn’t feel like sightseeing or doing anything in particular, so I suggested that we go to the gym and then find a plan for the day. Once in the gym we realized that we could go pay McWigger a visit right after, so my friend, sweetheart that he is, worked out his arms for a solid hour. My friend is a pretty big guy, his muscles are pretty ridiculous, so by the time we finished, he was f*ing huge. We spent a few minutes perfecting our plan, which basically consisted of “go in and see what happens,” and then headed out to the shop.

So we walk in and McWigger is no where to be found. I was confident that he was either in his office or out on an errand and that if we waited long enough he would appear. So my friend and I grab a strategically placed table and wait. We didn’t get up to buy anything, we weren’t even talking. We just sat there. We came with no money - just hoodies, water bottles and towels from the gym. We meant business. My friend takes off his hoodie and is sitting there in a wifebeater. It was like 45 degrees out that day….so it was pretty obvious we weren’t there to grab coffee and catch up on old times.

So, we sit there in silence until finally McWigger comes up from his office. He looks at me, looks at my friend, (and I can see the look in his eye change) and goes behind the counter. I let my friend know that our target has arrived and I get up to excuse myself to go to the bathroom to give them some alone time.

This is why my friend kicks his awesomeness into high fucking gear. While I am in the bathroom, he and McWigger engage in a stare down, during which my friend drinks from his water bottle while simultaneously flexing his arm. Some girl was sweeping behind the counter as the stare down was happening and my friend said he realllllly had to resist the urge to call out, “Hey…umm…do you like porn??” Even though that would have been hysterical, I’m pretty sure McWigger would have fought him so it’s probably better that he didn’t’ call this out, but that would have been the funniest thing the world has ever seen.

So I come up to the bathroom and my friend informs me that him and McWigger have been eye-fucking (haha) for five minutes. I say perfect, the last thing to do then is just acknowledge him while I am here with you and then the job will be done.

Well sure enough, no big surprise, McWigger does the work for me. He walks past me and my friend, arranges something on the wall that I am facing, turns back around, brushes me on the arm with something between a tap and a sweeping motion and goes, in a very trying-hard-to-sound-cool-but-clearly-not-cool voice, “Whats up?” and keeps walking.

So I look at him dead in the eye, pivot as he turns and go, in a very-sarcastic-trying-hard-not-to-laugh-but-wish-I-could-punch-you-in-the-face voice, “Whats up.” Eyebrow raised for added sassiness.

He doesn’t respond. Happy with this outcome, I nod my head at my friend and we know we are finished. We get up and leave, McWigger’s eyes burning a goddamn hole in my back and once we’re a safe distance away I jump up and down with delight, pretty sure that McWigger got the point and that he now knows not to fuck with me anymore.

I wasn’t quite sure if that meant I was allowed to go into the store again but I was happy with the situation for the time being and thought that if I let enough time pass maybe the next time I went in there I would be left alone.

However, I learned just a few days later that it was not to be.

Stay tuned for the exciting conclusion of the McWigger Chronicles!